Tuesday, December 21, 2004

She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.

You are gone now. I never really thought things would end like this. I knew that I always had a fear of you falling to sleep and not waking up. That fear came to life as your own life slipped away. My heart aches like never before. Even as I felt like I hated you I always loved you. I wanted you to continue on with your life and find peace. Now I am missing the idea of the life you could have had. I am missing you.

This picture entitled Ophelia speaks volumes to me

Monday, December 20, 2004


It's been hard. I finally realized that this is truly going to be a day by day process. Some days I am ok and I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Some days I feel as though I can barely breath. On those days I hold back the tears from staining my cheeks red. I write and I write. My journal is full of everything that's been going on inside me over the past month and a half. I have always kept a journal but it wasn't until now that I actually used it like I have been. A private place to heal.

Tyler's family has been so, so great to me. I am blown away by the love and support they have shown me. Some days Judy and I will just sit and talk for hours. Tyler's little brother, Kyle, looks EXACTLY like Tyler did when we met. He's the same age as Tyler was when we met. It's strange to be around him. I try not to look at Kyle to often because I find myself staring going back to the early days of Tyler and my relationship. And I don't want to weird him out with my dreamy eyed stares.

This experience has shown me who my real friends are. I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. That's the part that hurts the worst. But then again as least I know. I do know that a real friend is NEVER too busy to care. The few friends that I have take the time out to call me up and just say hi. It truly means the world to me.

I need a lifestyle change. This has become so very obvious to me. Just look at all that I have lost in my current lifestyle. My reckless, careless, drug and alcohol induced sorry excuse for a life. I lost two kids, my marriage, my husband, friends, my health, my sanity, my self-worth and self-respect. That is too much. It hasn't been worth it. I do know that I cannot change the past but I CAN learn from this. What a waste it would be if I didn't learn from this experience. My eyes are wide open now.

I wrote this the other day, one of my really hard days:

She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.

I felt that it was a gift from Tyler. I just started writing without even thinking and that was what I saw on the paper.

I'm going to Arizona for Christmas weekend. I need a little bit of a break. I'll be ok it is just going to take time.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Ignore my last two posts. I am just in a really messed up place. I don't know. Everything I feel is so extreme. I have been flipping out on everyone lately. I guess this is grief.


I just want to die. I just want to die. I just want to die.

I hate myself and you and I want to die!

I just don't care anymore. I am so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me things get better and to have a positive attitude. I am sick and tired of people telling me they know how I feel when in reality they have no clue. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can save me from this grief. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can share their past grief with me and that somehow that makes me feel less alone. I am just fucking sick of it all.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! You have no idea how I feel or what I am going through. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am choosing to be self-destructive. I am doing this my way. Maybe it's not healthy but I just don't care enough anymore. You don't know the details of my life. You really don't know anything about me. And the pieces that you have seen in me are nothing. I am not the person you think I am. My life has been an endless storm of tragedies and sorrows. Sometimes I wish I could just put it all out there for you to see but I don't know you and I simply don't care to share those secrets anyway. Those of you that TRULY know me don't have to ask or question or judge. It's so easy for you to tell me things get better but it never really does, does it?! It's all a lie. One blow after the other. There is only so much a person can take before they throw up their hands and say FUCK IT! I've reached that point.

I just want to fucking die. Goodbye and fuck you.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Who the hell do I trust now? Everyone I know lies to my face.

This is the rage!

I really despise Melissa now. I have found out some truly fucked up things about her. Things that make me want to kill her. She is a liar. A fake. A desperate whore. A sad little person trying to take away from what Tyler and I had and make it her own. She makes me sick! She pretends to be my friend. Pretends to understand where I am coming from. She tells me all I want to hear so that I will tell her all I feel and all my memories. Then she twists it all up and makes it her own and spreads it like wild fire across this little valley.

Now it is believed that Tyler had a shrine of my poems, letters and pictures as well as poems he had written to her in that bathroom with him when he overdosed. Now it is believed that he didn't overdose on accident but intentionally. Because of something I told that bitch. Something personal I found the night I stayed in Tyler's room. I have found out that she cheated on Tyler every chance she got with his friends. She was actually screwing one of Tyler's best friend's when he overdosed. They wouldn't answer their phones and he knew what was going on. She played it off as though her and Tyler talked all day and blah, blah. She lied in her statement to the police about Tyler beating the crap out of her. She use to get drunk and beat the shit out of him. She gave him two black eyes. His mom confirmed all of this to me today.

I am so upset. I know I shouldn't be because we were seperated but come on. I loved him! And all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. She led me to believe that they were so perfect together. That they were happy. Tyler told me they were happy but in finding things out I now know he was just trying to keep me from worrying about him. He knew that I would. I love him still. I feel him with me all the time.. comforting and protecting me. He was my best friend. Someone I could always turn to. Someone that knew me better than anyone else in this world.

Pisses me off to know that she hurt him like that. Pisses me off to know that she has lied to my face. I want to hurt her. FUCK!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

So you wanna know how I am? The answer is simple... not good.

It's really starting to hit me that he is gone. There are memory triggers everywhere. I can't stop crying. I have had two dreams with him in them. One, he was warning and protecting me against false friends. I still don't know who those friends are. The one last night he was reassuring me that he did love me and that I meant a lot to him, even in the end. I woke up happy and then I got really, really depressed. He is still gone.

I am moving out of my apartment tonight and into my mom's. I think about going to work and then I flip out.

I am a mess.

I love him so, so much.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Extra long and boring post

Thanksgiving was nice. I spent the first part of the day with The Grays. They were so wonderful to me. Tyler's little brother Kyle looked exactly like Tyler when we first started dating. I had to do a double take every time I looked at him. God, I love his family.

I spent the latter part of the day with my family. We had a good Thanksgiving this year. It was how I always pictured it to be. We all helped in making dinner. Then we watched Harry Potter. It was a good night. I just barely escaped the "This is what I am thankful for" portion of both dinners. I am sure I would have lost it or made a fool out of myself. Also, my sisters and I watched The Sixth Sense that night and I balled my eyes out. Yeah... that aside things were bareable.

It snowed today. The snow makes me think of Tyler. He was so close to the first snowfall of the year. He would have loved it. It was simply beautiful and peaceful to watch it fall this morning. GOD! I have my good moments and my bad moments. And then I have my moments when I am totally numb. I hung out with my little sister last night. I felt bad for feeling good. If that makes any sense. Sometimes I forget he is gone and I hate myself for that. I did feel him with me last night. I was standing alone looking up at the moon and I felt him give me a big hug. It was so nice yet it made me miss him even more. I want to go to his grave again but I am afraid.

I don't know what to say to people anymore. I feel fake. My body aches all the time. I hardly ever dream anymore. My days blur together. Time doesn't seem to matter. I feel empty.. hollow. I feel alone. Everyone wants to talk to me about this but I just can't.. not yet.

Something to pass the time...

-first grade teacher's name: I don't remember
-last word you said: bye
-last song you sang: Pieces of You by Jewel
-last thing you laughed at: My sister last night
-last time you cried: All I do is cry

-what's in your cd player: The Used
-what color socks are you wearing: My white tube socks with baby blue stripes.
-what's under your bed: Pictures
-what time did you wake up today: 7:30 and then noon.

-what is your career going to be: Maybe a writer?
-where are you going to live: Oregon but I'll always come back to Utah
-how many kids do you want: I don't know anymore
-what kind of car will you drive: Maybe a jeep

-current hair: Straight and clipped back
-current clothes: Grey and pink converse, dark jeans, white t-shirt, black long-sleeve overshirt, black hoodie and jean jacket.
-current jewelry: My wedding band and my blue barbell
-current annoyance: Everything
-current smell: Merry Melon Lipgloss
-current longing: Tyler
-current desktop picture: Blackness... nothing
-current favorite music artist: Jewel
-current book: My old journals
-current worry: Too many things..
-current hate: Myself
-story behind your username: hippiejua - Spike and what's his name gave it to me. I don't know???
-current favorite article of clothing: My black overshirt. Tyler gave it to me because it shrunk in the wash and he couldn't wear it anymore.
-one person you wish was here right now: Tyler... who else..
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: What's up?
-i am happiest when: I don't fucking know anymore
-i feel lonely when: ALL THE TIME!
-favorite authors: Not sure
-do you think too much: Yes.. YES...YES!!!
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: In my own cabin on the top of a mountain overlooking the ocean. I don't know.
-famous person you have met: Who fucking cares
-do you have any regrets: Always
-sex or love: LOVE.
-favorite coffee: Iced carmel soy latte
-favorite smell: Him
-what makes you mad: LIFE
-favorite way to waste time: livejournal, smoking, drinking and texting my friends
-what is your best quality: Everyone says I am strong. I don't know what the fuck that means.
-are you currently in love/lust: Always in love.
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: Gotten married to my heroin addict boyfriend
-any bad habits: Pessimisim and chain smoking
-do you find it hard to trust people: Yes and no
-last thing you bought yourself: More minutes for my pieces of shit pre-paid cellphone.
-bath or shower: shower
-favorite season: Every season has it's charms.
-favorite color: BLACK
-favorite time of day: When I don't hurt
-gold or silver: Silver
-any secret crushes: That's the last thing on my mind

-how many coats and jackets do you own: Too many
-do you wear a watch: I do. You wanna know something weird. It died the day Tyler did. I can't seem to take it off now.
-favorite pants color: Jeans
-most expensive item of clothing: Still my Betsy Johnson dress
-most treasured: My black overshirt

-do your friends know you: Not at the moment
-what do they tend to be like: Most are great but some are kinda lame
-can you count on them: Sometimes
-can they count on you: Sometimes... not now

-last book you read: The Notebook
-last movie you saw: Shrek 2
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Polar Express
-last show you watched on tv: Retrosexual on VH1
-last song you heard: I can't remember
-last thing you had to drink: Dr Pepper
-last thing you ate: A Hersheys Kiss
-last time you showered: The other day when I cared
-last time you smiled: Last night with my sister
-last person you hugged: My mom
-last person you kissed: That was a long time ago... it doesn't matter now
-last person you talked to online: Nico maybe???
-last person you talked to on the phone: Joel, he bitched about his job and avoided any mention of Tyler

-smoke: All the fucking time
-do drugs: Sometimes
-drink: More than a person in my state should
-sleep with stuffed animals: No
-play an instrument: No
-believe there is life on other planets: Yes
-read the newspaper: I use to but now I am afraid to because who knows who else I'll find in the obituary section
-have any gay or lesbian friends: Yes
-believe in miracles: Yes
-consider yourself tolerant: Sometimes
-consider police a friend or foe: Both
-like the taste of alchohol: Too much
-have a favorite stooge: No
-believe in astrology: Yeah
-believe in magic: Sometimes
-pray: Yes
-go to church: No
-have any secrets: Yes
-have any pets: Not anymore
-go or plan to attened college: Yes... the plan is for sooner than later
-talk to strangers: Sometimes
-have any piercings: Eyebrow
-have any tattoos: Nope
-hate yourself: How could I not?
-wish on stars: Yes
-like your handwriting: Never!
-believe in witches: Yes
-believe in ghosts: Yes
-believe in santa: Yes
-believe in the easter bunny: Not really
-believe in the tooth fairy: No
-have a second family: Tyler's family
-sing in the shower: No, I cry instead

Well.. that was thoughrally unhealthy.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from last night with my little sister Andrea. She lives in Texas right now. She is too cute and knows how to make me laugh and have a good time even if I don't want to. Don't let my smile fool you though. I am not the same as I was before. Therefore that smile is changed and you wont unerstand it like I do.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Drunk... yeah that's me.

I hung out with Melissa yesterday. We had a really good talk. Things are ok with us. We got a lot of things out.

Anyway.... back to being a drunk girl.

Sunday, November 21, 2004


"Live your life as though it were your last day because one day it will be."

Tyler's gray day...

I am not doing that great. Actually I am really depressed. I can hardly move. I wont answer my phone. I am freezing and yet I don't even care. I don't care if I fall. I burnt myself today and I didn't feel a thing. Why should I care about physical pain? There is a pain worse than that and I am enduring it right now. Everyone says to keep busy but I just can't seem to force myself to function. I don't care right now.

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Longboarding down the canyon till 6 am was exactly what I needed.

.....then I puked.

I'm a MESS!!!

Today (well yesterday if you look at the time) was the day that we buried my sweetheart into this earth. I slept in his bed last night. I read through some of his things and discovered some sad truths about the past month of his life. If I had only known I would have been there. I know it's ridiculous to dwell on What if's. But I guess this was the way it was meant to be. His time had come. I have feared this day for years. I use to have nightmares about his death and I would stay up all night watching him to make sure that he was still breathing. Now he is with God. I know that must be wonderful for him yet at the same time I can't deny the aching in my heart.

Today I broke down more times than I can count. Seeing him peaceful in his beautiful wooden casket. Saying goodbye and watching the strange man close the casket on him. Hearing his family speak of him during the service. Seeing the friends he loved yet feared would end up just as he. Seeing our love blossom in the hearts of our two wonderfully happy children. His casket being carried by his brothers and cousins to his final resting place. Friends and family showering me with endless hugs. Returning to his grave with his wonderful mother and father and his siblings. I lost it. Without a doubt I lost my mind and my heart. All emotions were set a blaze today.

I am still in shock over this. I can't help but think that he is at home writing a poem. I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I never knew emotions like this even existed and again he is was the one to show me the full depths of my heart.

To be honest I don't know how I feel. If anything I am a mess. I know life goes on but how and when does this occur? I feel so confused about my life. I want to run away from all that I know. I want to pretend that everything is ok. To be honest the thought of cutting sounds so pleasant. The thought of starving myself sounds great. The thought of eating again in a bing and then purging sounds safe. The thought of drowning my sorrows in altered states sounds right. Self-destruction is so familiar to me in times of heartache. Yet this is a pain I have never known before and I have no idea how to deal or pretend to deal with it. I am lost.

Yet in me I feel a sense of freedom. All my fears have been washed clean. I could climb Mt. Everest or jump out of a plane and know that I would be ok. I want to live and do all that he never did. I want to do everything he ever thought I could do. The fear I feel is the fear of feeling emotional heartache.

Tonight I will teach my friend to longboard. Then I will go down the canyon myself in remembrance of him. I know he would like that. I know he would hate that I am drunk. I know that he would understand my desire to escape the burdens of pain though. And I can only pray that he forgives me.

Time.... that is all I have. I have a feeling it will be many years before I meet him again.

I wrote the following poem for him tonight:

I wish I were a
For your soul
could blow through my
Autumn leaves
and bring me to
once more.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Nothing else seems to matter. Or at least the things I use to think mattered have suddenly become trivial. I want to hug everyone. I want to know who people really are. I want to make amends were it is needed. I want to feel the kind of peace that Tyler must be feeling in every aspect of my life.

I am so very changed. I feel different in every way. The way I see myself in the mirror. The way I look at people. My thoughts. I haven't been dreaming the past week. I can't eat. I lose my train of thought in a heartbeat. Good changes and bad changes. But no matter what it is still change.

I was reading through letters that we had written each other over the years. It made me so happy to see that Tyler had written FOREVER or FOREVER LOVE in almost every letter where I had signed my name. I went into his room the other night and saw that he had a picture of me on the nightstand next to his bed. It was one that he use to keep in his wallet. Maybe he was going to put it away with the letters or the rest of the pictures. I don't know but I was so glad that he had it out. He had seen me recently.

Tonight I will be staying at The Gray's. I will be sleeping in his bed. I wonder if I will dream of him and us and what once was. Tomorrow I fear I will lose it. Hopefully he will help me get through the day.

Someone asked me why I am wearing my wedding ring if we were getting divorced. I told them that it was because my ring symbolizes forever love. He was my best friend. He inspired me in so many ways. He made me the person I am today. Even though we were getting divorced it wasn't because we didn't love each other. It was exactly the opposite. We loved each other so much that we had to let each other go. We wanted to see where the future would take us. He even said to me once that maybe we were always meant to be together and that maybe we would end up together in the end. We loved each other so much. And we only wanted the other to be happy. I am wearing my ring in remembrance of the love that we shared even up until now. It will never die. Forever love truly means forever.

God be with me tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

His obituary was in the paper today. The link to it is below.

His family has been sooo wonderful to me. His brother is the morning dj at the local high school radio station and he dedicated a song to me and Tyler yesterday. I love them so much.

Sky's 4th birthday is today. Four years ago we brought our son into this world. Four years ago we gave him the chance at a real life. I only wish Sky could have know Tyler as a man. They will be at the funeral. I am afraid to see them. Seeing my daughter smile and Sky hug me. I might lose it. They have so much of both of us in them.

I am different now. Forever changed.

I don't really know what to say anymore.

Monday, November 15, 2004

He has wings now

He has a soul.. free
A place beyond tomorrow
Bigger than today
Yesterday's memory is all I've got
left of him
Or so I thought
until I found a feather on my pillow.

How do I write this? My entire body is trembling and my eyes are swelled up with tears. How do I say that on November 14th 2004 at 10:39 am I watched the great love of my life take his very last breath. Tyler Stillwell Gray is gone. My husband. My best friend. The ultimate love of my life is gone. He went to a place that I cannot even begin to fathom.

He overdosed on heroin Saturday night. I spent the entire night with his mother and father. We sat by his side till the very end. He was a vegetable. The only part of his brain that was still functioning was the part that told him to breath and even that part needed help. He had tubes and wires everywhere. I knew exactly when he left his body. His mother Judy and father Russell and I had just barely walked into the room. He opened his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes of his. Judy and I walked closer to his bed. Judy called out Tyler's name. The nurse came in and we asked her if he could see us. I knew that he could. Then his heart stopped and he left his body.

Judy quickly grabbed my hand rushed us out into the hallway. They worked on him for half an hour. I guess she felt that neither of us could handle it. At that moment when I was crying in her arms I closed my eyes and I saw Tyler. Not the Tyler that was weak and dying in the room next door. But Tyler. His spirit. He was strong and healthy and beautiful. I closed my eyes even tighter hoping to hold onto that vision of him. He walked over to me and gave me a big hug. The kind of hug that he gave me after our first kiss. The kind of hug he gave me after we placed our children in the arms of their parents. The kind of hug he gave me the last time we saw each other. Strong and calm. Beautiful and meaningful. Safe. I felt his arms around me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at Judy crying. We held each other tight and I felt Tyler wrap his arms around Judy and me. I heard him say, and I know he was smiling when he said it, MY GIRLS. I heard him say that. He didn't leave then though. His heart started to beat again.

Judy and I stayed with him through the night. My parents were there for a while but I told them they could leave. They knew there was nothing they could do for me then and that I just needed that time with him. Russell left later. So it was just Judy and me watching over him all night. There was a moment when Judy left the room. I took that time to walk over to him and tell him how much I loved him and that I would always love him. Then I brushed my hand across his face. I wanted to kiss his forehead but I didn't. I knew he was there. I knew he could hear me. I knew it meant a lot to him that I stayed. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The next morning was hard. He was getting weaker. He had pneumonia and his body temperature sky rocketed. One of his lungs had collapsed. Russell arrived around 7 am. The three of us sat with him more. Then the time came. Russell and Judy walked out of the room and talked to the doctor. I just looked up at Tyler with tear filled eyes. I kept telling him how much I loved him. That I always would. I told him that I meant forever and ever when we exchanged rings a little over a year ago. And even though we were going our separate ways the love I had for him was still as deep as it ever was. I put my wedding ring back on then. I have it on still. And I wont take it off until I feel ok without it. Maybe it's a mistake but for me, in these moments that I am living in, it's the world. My forever changed world.

Judy and the nurse came into talk to me. I knew it was coming. The nurse explained to me that there was little hope and that even if by some miracle they could save him he would only ever be a vegetable. I knew that Tyler wouldn't have wanted that. He was the type of person that loved to climb mountains and ski down them. He liked to hike and camp and longboard down the canyon. He loved to write and analyze. He loved conversation and affection. He was an adventurer. He was ready to go home. It was the hardest thing in the world for me. I looked over at him and began to cry. But I could feel Tyler sitting with me. He let me know that it was ok and that he was ready. He gave me the strength and the courage to let go and I said ok.

While they took the tubes from his body I called my mom and let her know what was going on. She said she would be there in a while. I told her not to rush. This was going to be one of the most sacred experiences of my life and I wanted it for myself. She understood that.

I walked back into the room and Judy wrapped her arms around me. Russell stood at the head of the bed. They finished pulling the tubes from his body and Judy turned my head away. She didn't want me to see. She didn't want that to be apart of this for me. The nurses cleaned him up and then left us alone behind a glass door and a curtain. Judy pulled up a chair for me and I sat right next to him. Judy put her arms on my shoulders and stood behind me. The nurses said it could be an hour before he finally passed. I was so afraid when I heard that. Could I last an hour watching him struggle for breath? Judy told him that we loved him. Russell was silent and I knew he was crying. I wondered what he was thinking watching his son dying. I couldn't take my eyes from Tyler though. I tickled his arm just like I had thousands of times before through out these past five years. I know he liked that. I held his hand. I always loved his hands. He liked to watch me examine the beauty in his hands. So strong and beautiful. Gentle and skilled. Warm and full of character. I couldn't say anything. Yet I couldn't help myself from thinking, "I love you Tyler. I love you so much. I have always loved you. I always will love you. I love you Tyler..." Over and over. I KNOW he heard me. I can't explain how but I know that he did. There is no doubt in my head or my heart about that.

His breaths were heavy and hard. They were slowing down. It almost seemed like minutes before he would breath again. Then 15 minutes after they took him off the machines I watched him take his last breath. I saw all that was left in Tyler rise up from his body and drift off. I saw the change and pulled my hand away from him. I was scared. His body tensed up, his lips faded to white, his skin turned blotchy and yellow and then white. Goosebumps up and down his body. I'll never forget that. At that very moment when he took his last breath in this life I felt a pain in my chest, in my heart, that I never knew could exist. It felt as though my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest. That was Tyler taking a piece of me with him. When he left I wanted to scream and freak out. I cried out and buried my head in Judy's stomach. And at that moment when I thought I could break I felt Tyler hug me and say goodbye. I felt a kiss on my cheek and when I looked up to see who was there there was no one. The sun broke through the clouds on that rainy Sunday. It's rays filled up the room and I felt the warmth and beauty of the place that Tyler was going. I knew then that he was ok.

The three of us sat with him. We agreed that he was finally at peace and that his battles were over. I cried and I cried. Even though I know he is in a better place I can't help but miss him. Missing the idea that he was going to move on with his life and find happiness here in this lifetime. Missing knowing that he is somewhere writing a poem or hiking up to find a new view. Missing the future he could have had. Missing his life. Missing him. We stayed with Tyler for a while. I know that we were the three people that he most wanted there at his side and Judy confirmed that to me. The hardest part was walking out of the room. Letting go. I didn't want to and I still don't.

We walked out to see Tyler's girlfriend. I turned away when I first saw her. I couldn't do it just then. But somehow I managed to turn around and give her a hug. Then she said to me through tears, "We both loved him." It's true. We did love him in our own way.

It has been so hard. Harder than I ever thought anything could be. One moment I am numb staring out the window or at the wall the next I am balling my eyes out. You know all the hurt and anger and pain that we caused each other has disappeared. I felt it leave my body and my heart yesterday. We didn't have the best relationship and it wasn't always easy. I mean he screwed with my heart and hurt me worse than anyone ever has but I loved him. And I know that he loved me too. I don't care that when we last saw each other he said it was more of an attachment than love. Last night I read through letters and poems he had written me, my journals and pictures. There was love there. Deep love. You can't fake that sort of thing. He lied when he said it was an attachment. I felt it as I read through it all last night. I know that he is sorry for having said that.

I am flooded with memories and emotions. I am so grateful for the past five years. I am grateful for him entering my life. We have shared so much together. We became best friends. I read a quote once that said, "Love is friendship set on fire." I believe that with all my heart. Our relationship started with friendship and within hours there was love. So many memories. And all the bad have left me. Maybe because I have spent the past few months remembering them that they finally too died. Now all I have is those special moments that no one could ever know about. The words he whispered to me when he thought I was sleeping. The way I would catch him staring at me with a great big smile. The way it felt to be in his arms. The times we comforted each other. His touch. His smell. His smile. The way he felt in my arms. The way we loved each other. Even though I have said at times that I hate him... I never really did. I always loved him. It just hurt so much to love him and not be with him. Just like now. Only now I feel safe in saying I love him.

I thought it was hard trying to move on with my life before he died. Now it feels worse. How do I do this? How do I live and move on knowing that he will never do all that he ever wanted to do in this life? He would have been a wonderful father. He could have done something great with his life. God it hurts so much to know that his life is over.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. My heart aches. Last night as I lay crying in my bed I thought I felt him beside me telling me it was ok. I know he is with me. I have felt him from time to time since yesterday. I realized that this is the time of year that he would have wanted to leave. Fall just before the snow falls. This is his time of year.

I went to The Gray's today. I stood in front of their house and froze. I began to cry. He was never going to be there again. He would never say hi and hug me ever again. He wasn't up in his room. He wasn't downstairs watching The Simpsons or Seinfeld. He wasn't there. My mom helped me to the door. Judy answered. I just lost it and she held me in her arms. She told me that she was so glad that I came by. I gave her some ideas for the funeral services. One was to have a poem of his in the service program. She loved that idea. I gave her the very first poem that he ever wrote for me. She loved it. Then she copied it down. Sarah and Tim might sing at the funeral as well. Tyler always loved to hear Sarah sing. And he loved Tim. Tim, Tyler and I had some really great times together when we all lived in this awful, small basement apartment. Judy said she would talk to Russell about it. Hopefully it works out.

The Gray's have been really great to me. They have welcomed me into their home and into their lives with open arms. I have been apart of their family for so long. And they have never left me out. I love them and I am so grateful for them.

Like Tyler once wrote to me in a letter there will always be pieces of us living on through Sky and Solee. Long after we are gone they will be there and their children and their children. The love we once had is alive and breathing. How wonderful is that? We are lucky.

The funeral is on Friday at 11 am. The viewing will be at 9 am. He is going to be buried in Lehi. I'll have more details later.

The love of my life is gone. I am a widow. I don't know what else to say. Anything else is too personal.

I Love you Tyler.

Rest In Peace
Tyler Stillwell Gray
February 11th, 1982 - November 14th, 2004

Sunday, May 09, 2004

You, I doubt I will ever know how you truly felt about me, if anything at all. You are so good at telling people what they want to hear. How am I supposed to believe you ever cared? You never really acted like it anyway. You didn’t even want to marry me. Looking through our wedding photos I see that now more than ever. I can say that all the love I wasted on you has slowly turned to hate. I hate to think about you. I hate to miss you. I hate to want to be with you. I hate wanting to talk to you. I hate needing you. I hate needing your “love”. I hate it all. And now I am starting to hate YOU. In turn all this hate is making me ugly on the inside. I can’t breath. I can’t think. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I want to do is die. All I want to do it slice open my wrists. You will NEVER know the heartache you have caused me, NEVER! I can show you the pain that resides on the surface, on my wrist. But that is that, just the surface. I hate myself because of this “marriage”. I hate love because of this “relationship”. I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I wasn’t good enough for my heroin addict husband. How can I possibly be good enough for anyone else? You couldn’t even handle the past that I had when we first met how will anyone accept me with THIS past? I have had to give away two of my babies because of this. Now I have to give away the love of my life. Maybe I am just making myself hate you because it hurts too fucking much to love you. Maybe it’s easier for me to just get it over with and never have to see you again. This hurt runs deep in me. I will forever bear the scars from this. I know I’m not the person you want. I am sure you will have no problem finding your perfect little blonde molly Mormon girl. I have no doubt about that. And whatever. You’ll move on and I’ll be here forcing myself not to care. This isn’t supposed to make you feel guilty or like an attack. This is only everything that I feel. This is what is tearing me up on a day-to-day basis while you are off with your NA friends and meetings. I thought I would be all right. I was so wrong. Everyday I wake up and I hate that I did. Every thought I think I have to push away because they are of you and the fucked up “love” that we had. I have to force back tears ALL DAY LONG. I have to force myself NOT to kill myself everyday. I don’t know why anymore. What’s the point, right? I doubt EVERYTHING now. After we decided to get the divorce I was ok, for a minute. Then all of this came crashing down on me and I died. So this is it. THE END.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

I've got so much on my mind these days. One thought pushes to the next leaving the rest behind. I don't know what to do with it all. I'm running in circles trying to situate everything that's going on inside my head. How do I even begin to put this all into words????

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Currently playing: The Rising Tide by Sunny Day Real Estate

Obviously my sleep schedule is totally messed up. My body got so use to staying up all night long because that was when she was awake in me. Now that she is gone staying up until 5 in the morning isn't as fun as it use to be. Actually, I hate it. I am all by myself left to write in my journal and flip through channels. I hate tv. Right now I am wide awake. I don't want to take sleeping pills either because they make me feel so awful when I wake up the next day. I don't know how to get a normal sleep schedule going again. What do I do???
He called tonight. He told me how much he loved the letter I had written him and how it was exactly what he needed to hear. He is so different now. If you knew him before this and you saw him now you wouldn't believe it was the same person. I love the feeling of starting over. The past is the past. It is a part of our history but that is it. We are moving forward together. We finally tore down all the walls and found each other on the other side. Now it's time to hit the road and find something wonderful on this path. I have to say that this whole experience has brought us closer than we ever thought possible.
I guess before now we were both so screwed up. We knew that we loved each other but we didn't know how to love. So we stayed together and we taught ourselves to hide from everything. We were both suffering from the weight of our emotional baggage. Finally, we broke down. It was awful. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was worse than all the baggage I had carried for so long. That I became numb too. This was a new raw wide open wound. And that wound got so infected I thought I would die. But I didn't. Instead I found myself. I healed myself. I changed myself. And he did the same. And in the end we found each other. We found a new appreciation for one another and for our love. This is only the beginning.
I talked to a friend tonight. He told me something rather disturbing about someone I use to consider a good friend. Someone that turned out not to be that great of a friend after all. Someone I haven't thought about in months. What he told me kinda shocked me. The last I heard she was happy and had moved on. Believe it or not somehow I was truly happy for her. And then suddenly out of nowhere he tells me that she is having a really hard time with certain things in her life. As much as I use to despise her I found myself hoping and praying for her to get well and to find happiness. We all deserve that. I really do hope she gets through this hard time alright. After all at one point in time we use to friends... kinda.
So while I was sitting in my room flipping through channels I came across MTV and My Immortal by Evanesence was on. I stopped. And suddenly all the emotions I felt during my pregnancy, during the tragedy of my heart, came flooding back. It opened up my wounds. I couldn't help but break down and cry. That song will forever haunt me. It will forever hit that nerve. One day he will hear that song while I am in the room and he will see exactly what he did to me. And I will hold his hand and tell him I love him. I will tell him I forgive him... I forgave him the moment I saw him hold our daughter for the first time. It's all apart of our history together....
Anyways, I wish I was tired right now. I have to wake up for an appointment tomorrow. And then I go and visit him. Other than my flip flopped sleep schedule things are great. I finally feel 100% content with my life and my love and everything inbetween. I feel safe in my own skin. This is living.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Currently playing: What It Is to Burn by Finch

My life is changing in so many ways. Everything seems to be falling into place. And it's not just my life that has changed I have changed as well. I feel so great. I am happy almost all the time. I feel a constant sense of peace and hope in my heart.
I have decided not to "party" anymore. It doesn't make me feel good about myself at all. It doesn't make me happy. I took down certain posters on my walls and I threw away movies and anything that didn't leave me with an overall good feeling. And yes I have decided to start going back to church. I actually WANT to go to church and surround myself with people who are just as spiritual as I am. I realized that through EVERYTHING the one constant in my life has been God. He has always been there for me. And so have the people in my church. They have supported me and loved me no matter what. I just feel that my time to grow up has finally come. It feels really good. I don't remember ever feeling this happy before.
I went and saw him yesterday. Oh, I love being around him now. He is becoming the person I always knew he could be. I see him twice a week, on Tuesdays and Saturdays. The more time we spend together, with him sober, the more I feel as though I am falling in love with him all over again. I miss him more and more. He is changed in ways he never thought possible. He is sincer in everything he says. There is someone behind those brown eyes of his instead of just a glossy cover. He says what he means and I believe him. He told me I was pretty on Tuesday. I felt all warm inside. I don't remember the last time he said that to me and really meant it. I am sure he has said it plenty of times before when he was loaded but it didn't really mean anything to him or to me. It was his way of manipulating me and I recognize that now. It's just so nice to start out fresh.
I am being cautious though. I know we both are. We are going to be going to marriage counseling when he gets out of rehab. We are both open to any outcome. Above all we just want the other to be happy. I keep thinking that since we are both making these huge changes in our lives and in ourselves that it really might work out for us since we both seem to be headed in the same direction. We could continue this journey together. I pray day in and day out concerning us. I feel good about my decision to give him, US, this second chance. I feel that we both deserve it. Plus he wants to start getting back into our church as well. That was one thing I wasn't willing to compromise on. So it's a good thing he has decided to make that decision as well.
I feel really good about my future. It's an amazing feeling to know without a doubt that I will be ok, no matter what happens.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

I miss her so much. I know that she is happy and loved and safe though. I will cherish the time that I got to spend with her. For those 4 days I was her mother. Now I am her birthmother. She will always be a part of me.
The hurt slowly dulls as a new day arrives. Even though I miss her like crazy I know she is in a good place with a wonderful family and that brings me a glorious sense of peace. I'll be ok it will just take some time. I do wish I could kiss her and hug her and sing to her again.
I've decided to take out all the negative energy in my life. I don't want it anymore. I feel so changed. I am not the same person at all. I have a feeling that even bigger changes are in store for me and I am ok with that.
Spiritually I am on another level and I like it.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I am just so overcome by all these emotions that everything has gone numb. For this moment there are no words.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Right now it is Sunday. This means I am due tomorrow. Honestly, I am getting really scared. I don't know if I am scared of the labor and delivery or the idea of her being here and then going away. It's not like she would be going away to something awful. She just wont be with me anymore. After nine long months she wont be inside me. I just feel so frightened about all of this. And knowing that the chances that he will be there and exerience this with me is slim to none doesn't help either. I don't know what's going on with me. I am just an emotional mess right now.
I am truly scared. And not knowing exactly what I am afraid of makes it all that more intense.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Currently playing: Led Zeppelin by Led Zeppelin

- What is and what should NEVER be - -
So I only have six more days until I am due. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I have the feeling she will be here this weekend though. I am excited and scared and nervous. This is going to be the end of something I held so dear to my heart for so long. But then again I could be wrong. It could be the beginning.
Right now he is in jail. In a way I am kinda glad. This is his chance to get clean before she is born. It is his chance to actually experience this. He will be out Thursday some time. It almost seems like a blessing in disguise. I just hope and pray that when he sees her in his sober state of mind that he will understand and know that there is a beautiful reason to stay sober. There is a reason to live and feel. Actually there are two reasons. Either way I just hope he gets it.
He called me on Sunday. He said that his withdraws were ok at first but then they started to get really bad. He told me that when he stood up to go see the nurse he fainted. Then he ended up having three seizures one right on top of another. Is he trying to kill me or what? That is so damn scary. Fucking heroin!
He then read me a letter he had written. He apologized for all of this. He finally realized that he had to accept responsibility for his actions to be able to move on. He talked about trying to some how work things out between us. He told me how much he loved me and how he wanted us. He said everything I wanted to hear. And that is just it. Did he tell me everything I wanted to hear as part of his deciet or was it sincere? I don't know anymore. And that is awful.
I tried not to cry while I was talking to him. It could be so easy for me to go back to him. Even after all of the hurt and the pain and the lies. Love can be so blind at times. I know that I can't go back though. Somehow I am staying strong. It is damn hard because I still love him so much. That love will always be there. It is apart of who I am now. I can't go back though. As much as I would like to I just can't.
The reality of my life keeps hitting me in waves. Sometimes it feels like it is too much to bear. Sometimes this burden is heavy. I know there has to be a reason for this all. I just wish I knew what that reason was. It would make things so much simpler. But I guess life was never meant to be simple.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

I'm sitting here wondering how this is my life. How did it come to this? I've been telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I just don't understand why though. I guess I don't see the big picture. I try but it's so hard from where I am standing. I want to understand all of this. I want to understand my life.
I've been hiding. I'm afraid to leave my room anymore. I just can't handle life on the other side of the door. And yet when I am in my room alone all day and all night long I still feel terrified of everything. So I let my mind go blank for hours. I just sit and feel nothing. I don't say a word. I block everythig out. In the back of my mind I guess I feel that if I block everything out then everything in my life is ok. But the reality is it's not ok. Nothing is ok. When I block things out it is only postponing all the raw emotions I am feeling. I feel like a coward.
Everyone is constantly telling me how strong they think I am. I don't feel strong at all. I feel hollow. I've got so many hopes and dreams for the future but they all seem so fake to me. I don't know what is real anymore.
I've got 15 more days until I am due. I feel her moving inside me. I don't want to let her go even though I have to. Sometimes I just sit an stare at my calendar. I think about how many days I have had with her and how many I have wasted. I think about the time I have left with her and how I want to make the best of it. I think of what life will be like after her. It will be easy for me to slip back into certain situations without her. She keeps me strong. She keeps me clean and sane. I don't want to fuck up anymore of my life. And it will be so hard without her.
I look at the bassinet in my room. I think of her in there. I think of her tiny body curled up in the little blankets we got for her. I think of her little spirit filling up my home and my life with an incredible sense of peace and hope. Then I think of her disappearing into someone elses home. Into someone elses arms. Into someone elses life. And I wonder how I will be able to do this again.
Will I want children after this? I can't imagine it. I really can't. I know I will want children but will I actually ever have children again? My sister had a dream that I couldn't have children anymore. Everyone thought that maybe it meant that something would happen to where I wouldn't be able to physically have children. But the more I think about it the more I feel as though maybe it is more of an emotional thing rather than a physical. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
And then I think about him. As the days go by my hatred for him subsides. More than anything I feel a tremendous sense of loss and sadness for him. I hear that song "My Immortal" by Evanescence all the time and I can't help but think about him and us and what could have been. He ruined everything and I wonder why. Why did he do this to us and to himself? WHY? Do you want to know what the funny thing is. Somehow after everything, after all the hurt, I still hope that one day he can get better. I hope that he realizes what he had and what he lost. I hope he learns from this. I hope he grows and finds happiness. I hope he moves on to something better. Because honestly that is all I ever really wanted for him. I wanted him to know himself and to be happy. Because as much as I hate him I still love him 100 times more than that hate. How can I not?
I don't know what is going to happen next in my life. Quite frankly I am terrified. But this is my life and I have to accept it. As much as I would like to I can't hide from it anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Sunday, February 15, 2004

I'm sitting here wishing so badly that I didn't care about him. Why does he have to have this hold on my heart? Even after all he has done to me and to us I can't help but feel something for him. I guess after loving someone the way that I have loved him for the past four and a half years expecting to just say goodbye is a joke.
He called tonight. I thought he was calling to say Happy Valentine's Day. haha. Yeah, right. He did manage to say it to me but that wasn't why he called. Even though I still care I have managed to shield my emotions from him. He doesn't deserve to affect my emotions in any way. Kind of ironic too because he is the one that taught me to be more open and not to hide my emotions. Especially not from him. And after I learned that I never hid anything from him. And yet here I am cornered into hiding my emotions from him BECAUSE of him.
He is INSANE. He's just getting worse and worse. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. And I am afraid for him. Even though I despise him I am terrified that he might one day kill himself. Sure heroin is suicide but I mean if he ever took his own life I don't know what I would do. I am pretty damn sure I would be heartbroken beyond belief. No words to even describe that kind of pain. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and a sharp pain into my heart.
Honestly, I am so damn scared for him right now. And this is what I mean when I say that I wish I didn't care. This is eating me up inside. And I have to hide it. I hate this all.
All I ever wanted was to love him and be happy. I wanted him to love me just the same. I wanted us to be a family. He threw EVERYTHING away. I wonder if I will ever truly know why.
Why damn it?!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

I don't know if he ever really loved me. I'll never truly know. Anything he says anymore is toxic. Even if he never really loved me I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and soul. He taught me how to love unconditionally and I thank him for that. I thank him for teaching me all that he has the good and the bad. As much as I despise him now I have no regrets. I could never regret this.
One day he will see. One day he'll know what he had and what he lost.

"Caught a bolt of lightning
Cursed the day he let it go

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Even though I shouldn't
......I will always love him.
This reality is more than bittersweet.

Friday, February 06, 2004

I am watching my world fall apart around me. The glue is finally coming undone. My family has reached the breaking point. After 13 years it is finally over.
My mother is trying to stay strong. She is doing what she believes to be best. I can see the hurt in her eyes. I can see all the pain that she is trying to hide. She has wanted to leave for some time. Yet she had to try. She held on as long as she possibly could. Maybe that's where I get it from.
My step-father has turned into a sad version of my husband. He is gone now. He is off getting drunk or high playing the victim. Feeling sorry for himself. I don't even know who he is anymore. He use to be the only real father I knew. Now...
I have decided to place my daughter for adoption. She deserves so much more than this life. She deserves happiness. She deserves a sober father. She deserves a mother who doesn't cry all the time. She deserves a family without tension like this. She deserves more.
My husband went off on me about my choice. No surprise. Althought I was hoping he might understand just a little. He said things that I thought were beyond his level of low but I was wrong there too. I told him he only had himself to blame. If he would have been honest right from the start we wouldn't have had to suffer all that we have been through. All he had to do was be honest. But he doesn't know what that means anymore. He probably never will again. He is too far gone.
Afterwards he went outside the house and smoked heroin. I saw him. And I confronted him. He just looked up at me all glossy eyed. I asked him if that was his idea of being a good father. He slammed the door in my face and drove off. What a waste. He could have been something beautiful.
Yet my decision to place her is the only thing in my world right now that is bringing me any sense of hope and peace. And this wasn't just something I decided one day. I have been praying day and night about it since I found out I was pregnant. I always recieved the same answer yet I was never able to accept it. At least not until now. This is the right thing to do and no one is going to change my mind about it.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

As much as I say I don't, I truly still love him. And I still harbor feels of hope for us. How can I not? I wanted us so bad. I want us still. I just can't let these feelings take me over. I can't afford to anymore.
Somedays are harder than others. Today was one of those days.

Friday, January 30, 2004

"you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase...

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along"

It's sad but I don't miss him. How could I miss someone I didn't know at all? I don't know him. He's a stranger to me. He doesn't even look like the same person. All I see when I look at him anymore are his lies and his addiction. And I feel a sense of resentment towards what I see in him now that burns me up. It makes me sick.

He's going to kill himself. His family is helping him to stay a junkie too. They don't even know it. They bail him out when they said they wouldn't. They let him stay at their home when he is not even welcome. They give him chance after chance after chance hoping that maybe once he will actually change. And I watch him take full advantage of them. They are so blind to his con it's ridiculous. At least I had the courage to finally say enough is enough.

I went by his parents house today to get a few more invitations for the baby shower this weekend. He had just woken up. It was like one. His mom let him sleep in until one. We didn't even say a word to one another. We looked at each other. He acted oblivious to everyone and everything. I saw right through him. He was loaded.

I don't really think he cares anymore about anything. Surely not about us. Not about getting sober. Not about being honest. Not about his daughter. Not about his family. Not about himself. He hasn't even made an effort to try and fix this. He gave up.

If you could see him. You would see that he doesn't care. He puts on a good act when he has to but other than that it's obvious.

I heard him on the phone today. I'm not stupid. I know his little codes now. And he had the balls to just sit there on the phone right in front of me and try and hook up. Wow. Really low.

It's just sad.

I feel sorry for our daughter. She has to grow up with a heroin addict for a father. Hopefully I can find her a real father when the time comes. Someone she can look up to and feel safe with. Someone who will love her unconditionally. Someone the complete opposite of him.

One day he'll wake up and see everything he lost. Or one day he will kill himself and never know what he had. Either way it's a tragedy.

Friday, January 23, 2004

It's over.
I just couldn't do it anymore. Things were getting better. Or so I thought. It's not even the fact that he did it, it's the fact that he lied to me over and over. He looked me straight in the eye and lied to me.
He's right though. Maybe I haven't been trying. Maybe I have been telling myself that I am but in all reality I haven't been. I can't get over it. And I resent him for everything he has done to me and to us.
He sounded like he didn't want us to end but I just couldn't do it anymore. So I told him I loved him and that I cared about him but that I wasn't IN love with him anymore. He was hurt.
But you have no idea what this feels like. I'm so heartbroken right now. I'm so scared. I'm so lost. I do love him. It just wasn't working. And it hasn't been working. And I am pretty sure it never will.
I didn't want this. I so wanted to believe in us and that everything would work it's self out but that's a fools dream. And I have been the fool long enough. I have to start thinking about what is best for our daughter and what is best for me.
Now comes the hard part. Actually staying strong and not giving into him like I do. Now comes the real decisions to be made. Now comes the beginning of the end.

I'm scared.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

I am so confused about everything. One minute I love him like crazy, the next I just wish he would go away and never come back. And it doesn't help that I am pregnant and so full of emotion anyway.
He does kiss me goodbye in the mornings and he tells me he loves me. He does little things that make me smile. And it feels good. But then again he does lots of little things that frustrate the hell out of me. And that doesn't help my confusion about the situation either.
I don't know. We talk tomorrow. I hope things turn out well. Or that at least we feel a bit more sense of direction as far as this marriage is concerned.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Monday, January 12, 2004

I wish I knew how to act around you. After everything I can't seem to feel the same. I really don't know what to do when you are near. Do I smile? Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I scream?
It seems that I always end up angry at something you said or didn't say. Or something you did or didn't do. I feel like I have to constantly remind you that you are going to be a father and that you need to grow up. You really do need to GROW UP. It doesn't matter if you aren't ready because this is your life just as much as it is mine. And whether you are ready or not OUR daughter will be here in 8 weeks.
Tonight I could smell it on you. You think that I couldn't but I could. I'll never forget that smell. So what did I do? I closed myself off from you.
I tried tonight I really did. I know you tried too but sometimes that just isn't enough. I can't afford to not try but I also can't afford to let you fuck up.
Tonight I was just really frustrated with you.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

::Words I have given to others recently::

"Watching a light fade brings to mind thoughts of despair, fear, calm, change and hope. Interesting how something so simple can show you the things you probably never would have seen had it not been for that single gesture.

The world is mysterious place and I love it as much as I hate it."

"Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Life is just one big rollercoaster ride. And sometimes you just want to scream or throw up. But you can't change that. You can either experience the ride for all it's worth or wish that you were somewhere else and end up missing out on everything."

"Sometimes it's easier to give up than to fight. Fighting actually requires strength and courage. It requires drive and desire. And sometimes we just don't feel as though we have it in us to stand up and brave the battle. But even if you stand out this battle in the end you still have to face the war."

Sometimes I wonder where these words and philosophies of mine come from. It appears that because of my words there are a few people out there that actually look up to me as a role model. They come to me for advice. They value my opinions. They tell me I am wise. But I don't feel wise. I just speak what I have learned from my own experiences.
Does learning from life make you wise?
I just can't say. That's a question to ponder.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Life is a scary thing. Always twisting and turning. Always making sure to throw something unexpected your way. It can be a rather frightening thing. Yet somehow it adds an intense feeling of being alive. Feeling all these raw emotions reminds me that I AM ALIVE.
And still there are those people running from the emotions of life because it's too much for them to handle. It's too big and scary. They'd rather hide and numb everything. I'd hate to live life like that. If you can even call that living at all. That would be the nail in my coffin. That would be my last breath.
But this is life. This is my life. And even though I love to feel, yes even the pain, I'm terrified. What's next? And will it all be worth it.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. But what is the best? Who decides what's best? God? Me? The courts? I just feel really confused about certain things right now.
He has court tomorrow. I wonder how that will all pan out. With everything that has happened I don't know what he might do if things don't go exactly as he had hoped. I'm afraid of what he might do. I know him inside and out. Even though his addiction and lies has turned him into someone else I know who he is deep down. The person he has always been. The person I fell in love with so long ago. And I know that in the end that is the person that decides what he does next.
I wish I could make everything right for him but I just can't. It's all up to him. I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice, he's terrified but he wants to change his life around so bad. He just has to find the courage to do it. He needs to see that he CAN do it.
I love him so much. Even though so much has changed between us I still love him to death. I still see a wonerful future ahead of us. We just have to get through this. If we can get through this we can get through anything.
61 more days until my due date. I'm scared. Sometimes I just don't know how in the hell I will be able to be a mom. I wonder if I'll be a good mom. I wonder how to even be a mom. I want to be the best mom for my daughter.
Today at work I was day dreaming about us. I was imagining me with my daughter in the summer. Just a mother daughter day. She's still just a cute little baby. And it's a perfect, beautiful day. So we decide to go up the canyon for nice little picnic. We invite one of our friends who also has a baby girl close to her age. So we all head up to the canyon. We take pictures and play in the water. We see butterflies and birds and an endless field of flowers. It was perfect. And we were so happy. That's what I want. That's what I see when I think of what could be. Something so beautiful and happy. REAL HAPPINESS.
We still have so much we need to do and so much we need to get. I still have to have a baby shower. My mom and I are going to start planning for that tomorrow. We want to have it soon. I feel so rushed.
I wonder what my litle girl is expecting out of life when she is born. I hope I can give her everything she wants and needs. I hope her smiles never end. I hope that one day she can say she had the best life with the best parents. I have so many wonderful hopes for. She can be anything she wants. I only hope I can be the mother she deserves.
This love is endless.