I'm sitting here wishing so badly that I didn't care about him. Why does he have to have this hold on my heart? Even after all he has done to me and to us I can't help but feel something for him. I guess after loving someone the way that I have loved him for the past four and a half years expecting to just say goodbye is a joke.
He called tonight. I thought he was calling to say Happy Valentine's Day. haha. Yeah, right. He did manage to say it to me but that wasn't why he called. Even though I still care I have managed to shield my emotions from him. He doesn't deserve to affect my emotions in any way. Kind of ironic too because he is the one that taught me to be more open and not to hide my emotions. Especially not from him. And after I learned that I never hid anything from him. And yet here I am cornered into hiding my emotions from him BECAUSE of him.
He is INSANE. He's just getting worse and worse. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. And I am afraid for him. Even though I despise him I am terrified that he might one day kill himself. Sure heroin is suicide but I mean if he ever took his own life I don't know what I would do. I am pretty damn sure I would be heartbroken beyond belief. No words to even describe that kind of pain. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and a sharp pain into my heart.
Honestly, I am so damn scared for him right now. And this is what I mean when I say that I wish I didn't care. This is eating me up inside. And I have to hide it. I hate this all.
All I ever wanted was to love him and be happy. I wanted him to love me just the same. I wanted us to be a family. He threw EVERYTHING away. I wonder if I will ever truly know why.
Why damn it?!