Wednesday, December 31, 2003

We had a good talk tonight. I feel like he finally understands the way that I am feeling about everything. He seemed sincere. He seemed open to everything that I had to say. I know he loves me and he knows that I love him. For once we didn't start off by yelling at each other. We talked like a real married couple is suppose to. It was a really nice talk.
We talked about this year and how awful it has been. A year full of lies, deception, manipulation, broken hearts, endless tears, fear, sorrow, hopelessness, hate, rage, etc. etc. It's almost a joke. But it's not a joke. This is our life. I guess we learned a lot about each other and a lot about ourselves. We also learned exactly what our relationship means to each other. Obviously it is truly important and special.
A few good things, we did get married and we did get to meet him. I learned just how strong I really am. At the same time I learned how fragile I am as well. I learned patience and forgiveness.I learned to say goodbye. And to let go of the things not worth keeping and holding on to the most precious of precious. I learned to never give up. I learned just how much I can handle. I learned so much about myself and life this past year. And that can't be a bad thing.
I have so many hopes and dreams for 2004. This year will be so much better than the last. I feel ok. I don't feel afraid anymore. Everything will be ok.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Apparently I have alot more on my mind than I originally thought. After my last entry I had a really long talk with my mom. I felt so much better after getting certain things off my chest and out into the open. I love her and I don't know what I would ever do without her. She has been the support keeping me together. Keeping me sane. I could never express how special she is to me.
True things have been really fucked and frustrating but lately they haven't been so bad. Lately I have felt hope and happiness. I remembered my smile. I remembered our plans for the future. I can close my eyes and see us happy and smiling. I can see it so close yet so far. I just keep thinking that there isn't enough time.
All I want is for him to be sober and to know himself again. I want us to be a real couple, like we use to be. I want us to be a family. I know we can do it. I have seen the great potential we have. It's just so hard. And a lot of it is weighing on his shoulders. I don't think he gets that. Or maybe he doesn't and he just doesn't want it to be that way.
I do get angry at him when he fucks up. And maybe sometimes I do over react to his actions or lack there of. But I feel that I have every right. After all, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to save us and now it is his turn. I just want him to try as hard as I have to salvage this. I want to know that this wasn't all in vain.
When we first met I knew he wasn't the happiest person in the world, but then again neither was I. We made it work though. We uplifted each other. We were always there for each other loving one another and never giving up hope for something more for us. We had so many dreams. And all this time I have been the one cheering him on while he was the one dragging himself down into the depths of nothingness. Can you imagine how hard it was for me? I loved/love him so much. I never wanted to see him that way. I never wanted to see him end up like this. And I did everything I possibly could to help him better himself. Yet, there is no stopping a train fast enough.
I guess I feel like I don't get the credit I deserve. After all this time....
And this is why I am so torn. I KNOW without a doubt in my heart that we could be the people that we had always talked about. We can have all the love and happiness we always dreamed of. We can do anything. He just has to try. Because I am here waiting for him to climb this hill with me. And I am genuinely excited for the journey that lies ahead. And I would love nothing more for him to be by my side along the way. But if he is too afraid or if he doesn't want to I wont wait forever. I can't. Not with someone else so precious relying on me.
I'm just waiting for him to show me what he wants. I am waiting for him to prove to me that he can be just as strong. I'm waiting....
I can't wait for much longer though. Time is running out. And that is what he needs to see.
The ball is in his court.

Friday, December 26, 2003

I have a headache. Must be because I am so damn confused about everything. I don't know a damn thing anymore. I don't feel sane. All my sense of sanity is gone. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie.
Things were going great. Then today he showed me where his priorities truly are. Where they have always been with himself, his friends and drugs. If I'm lucky he'll have a day when he remembers us. If I'm really lucky we will even pretend to still be married and in love.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. Everyone keeps giving us this baby stuff. Why though? Because they know what they want us to do. They know what they want me to do. Now I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty for even being alive.
I hate this. I hate my life.
I remember this time last year we were talking about getting married. We really wanted to. That all seems like a joke now. Everything seems so fake.
He doesn't care. I don't care anymore. My heart has been broken so many times it can't break anymore than it already has.
Ten more weeks. We can't do this. I use to think that we could but it's getting closer and I don't think we can. I wake up everyday feeling torn. FUCKING TORN APART. You will never know the feelings I have felt and continue to feel.
I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel like I am going to be a mom. I don't feel anything. I feel like I am nothing. Everyone keeps telling me how blessed I am and blah blah blah. Well I don't fucking feel like it. This is HELL. My life has turned upside down and all anyone cares about is not losing another baby. Well what about me?! Do I want that NO! But I am losing myself here. I am losing IT.
Like they couldn't deal with it. I am so fucking lost. I'm tired. I am just too afraid to step up to the plate.
I just want to die.

Friday, December 19, 2003

What I Wanted -Jewel-

guess what I wanted was to hear
you'd stay with me always.
I guess what I wanted was to see
those hands vowing never to leave my own.
I guess what I wanted to know was
I am not loving in vain.

Sometimes I do feel as if I am loving in vain. Maybe I am. Maybe I am just a damn fool. I don't quit know anymore.
I do know that I am worn down thin. He says change and then turns around and stays the same. Always the same. He never keeps his promises. Not even the tiny ones. I guess nothing is trivial anymore. That's his fault.
I think he has had it too. I feel him withdrawing from us. I feel him slipping away. Away into what I don't know. I don't really know him anymore. He's the stranger in my heart. Yet I don't even think he's in my heart anymore.
Yesterday I wanted to hold his hand so badly. I felt for the first time in a long time that I needed him. There was nothing though. I don't even think he cared that I was there yesterday. I don't even think he noticed me. We hugged and looked at each other. But there was nothing. I felt sad thinking about it. But I guess it has just come to this point. And I guess the time to do something REAL has come. I'm afraid. I know what I have to do though.
He'll NEVER change. I feel us approaching the end of something that could have been so much more. Maybe down the road he'll see what he had and threw away.
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just feel really sad. All the time I am sad. I wake up holding back tears. I walk around empty. I don't have anything left to give. Everything I had has been used up and thrown out. And I am tired always. I feel as though I am living, or dying, as a 95 year old woman in 21 year old body.
I try to be happy for the life inside me but I know she knows it's fake. I don't want her to know how miserable I am. But she can feel me just as I can feel her. I feel sorry for her. She deserves more than this. I want her to have more than this. And somehow I will find the strength to give her more than this.
I picture myself a year from now NOT married and NOT a mom. I picture myself alone coping with the life I have chosen. Coping with an endlessly broken heart. Doing everything I can to live. Just to breath.
Maybe it will be better but like I have said a million times over I just don't know anymore.
I'm so tired of this life.

Friday, December 12, 2003

I don't know how I am doing this. I really don't. Sometimes I feel as though I could have a breakdown at any given minute. Yet here I stand on both feet. I haven't given up. There have been times when I have felt as though giving up would be so much easier than this. It probably would be. But that is not what I want. I don't want to give up. I want all of this work out.
Tomorrow we find out what happens with him. Will he go to jail or will he have to go to drug court? I'm scared.
I feel diconnected from him right now. He doesn't feel any real responsibility to me or our baby. He is wrapped up in his own issues. Again we come last. I understand he has a lot on his mind but it seems that his family (US) is that farthest thing from his mind. He doesn't even call me to let me know where he is staying anymore. It's not a big deal to him. At least not that he has HIS family there now. They shelter him and bail him out. They said they wouldn't but they keep on doing it.
I'm pissed off at the situation. I work my ass off trying to save this damn marriage and it doesn't mean a thing. Sure everyone keeps on telling me how strong I am being and then they turn around and make it even harder for me.
I just don't know. I am at the breaking point. I don't know how much longer I can do all of this. Is it ever worth it anymore?

Saturday, December 06, 2003

He's not here. He hasn't been here for while now. Yet I still find myself looking for him. I find myself reaching for him.
I don't know how long he will be away. I'm afraid for him. We all are. He put himself in this situation though. Now he has to do this on his own.
I wanted to run and save him when my mom told me that he broke down crying to her. I can't though. I can't save him. He has to do it himself. He is the only one that make things right. The sooner he realizes that the better.
I might get to see my baby. I want it so badly. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid I might not be strong enough to let him go again.
So many things. Turning upside down and inside out. I am so tired.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Things have changed. We don't want to end our marriage. We have worked so hard for so long to get here and it all would have been a waste for us to give up now.
Taking things slow is the key. He is still there and I am still here. I see him trying. It makes me want to try harder. I can hear it in his voice. I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it in his touch.
He bawled his eyes out in front of all those strangers. He expressed his sadness over all of this. He expressed his desire to change and to move on. Last night he told me he told me everything would be ok.
I believed him.
It's just going to take time.

Monday, November 24, 2003

The hurt is sinking in deep now. I feel it staining me. I feel it taking over everything.
This morning he sounded so selfish. He made it sound as if he was the one leaving. He made it sound as if WE weren't important to him at all. He made it sound as if his daughter wasn't important at all. All he wanted was to start new and do things with his life. And our daughter and myself were just the dirt road that led him to this point. Now we get left behind with broken hearts. We get left behind with nothing.
It doesn't seem to be affecting him at all. He doesn't even seem sorry about this. He doesn't even care. And that is what makes the hurt so much worse. The fact that I feel as though I am falling apart. I am losing it. I don't know what to do or think or feel. I have a broken heart. I feel as though I am dying and he just doesn't seem to care at all. It makes me wonder if he ever really did give a damn.
I never wanted this. I always hoped and prayed that we would get through this. I thought the love was strong enough. But I was wrong. I wasn't strong enough. He wasn't strong enough. And here we are.
I really did want to spend the rest of my life with him. I felt like this was going to be the hard part. If we could just get through this then everything would be ok. We would be happy. We would be more in love than ever. And all this would have been worth it.
Now I'll never know what could have been. I might have been the one that kicked him out but he was the one that pushed me to this point. We weren't enough for him. He can blame the world all he wants but he knows deep down that it really is his fault. He knows it. I doubt he will ever admit it but we both know it's the truth.
I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to love ever again. I don't know how I will trust ever again. I don't know how I will ever get over this. The damage is endless.
I spent all day in bed thinking and crying. I spent all day trying to forget everything. Trying not to feel. I took a really long nap and when I woke up I started crying. I just wanted to go back to sleep because then I wouldn't have to feel anything.
I don't know what I am going to do now. I feel so lost. I feel so confused about everything. I just want all this to go away.
I don't want to be a single mom. I don't know how or if I will be able to do that. I am so fucking lost right now.
I love him so much but I just can't do it anymore. My heart is broken forever.
I just think about him doing all these things that he wants to do. Him finding someone the complete opposite of me. His life. And then I think about my life. My life with Cadence. And all the things that I want to do but I probably wont be able to do. I think of never falling in love again. Never taking risks.

I am damaged goods now.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I am so empty right now.
I'm so broken.
I'm so lost.
I don't know what to do or say or feel.
I fear life without him. Yet I have to let him go. I can't do this anymore. It's like dying everyday. It's like having my heart broken over and over by him.
I love and loved him so much. Why did it have to come to this? Weren't we important enough?
I guess not because he is gone now. I kicked him out... again. I felt so betrayed. I thought that we were making progress. We talked about what WE wanted for us. We talked about what we wanted for ourselves. We made goals together. We made plans together. We made compromises. And he just throws it all away. Just like it was nothing.
He broke my heart so bad this time. The damage can never be repaired. My entire body began to react to my broken heart. I shook uncontrollably. I felt the hope I had for us leave my body and the shattered pieces of my heart. Everything, love, trust, respect, friendship companionship he took it all. It's gone. It can never be returned.
Yet when I heard his voice on the line I wanted to cry. I wanted him back so badly. I wanted to pretend that everything was and will be ok. And I knew that was a lie and it hurt all over again. I can't pretend anymore.
It's all up to him now. I have done everything in my power to keep us alive, to help him and to have hope for the future.
I have nothing left to give. I have exhausted myself to the point of sickness. My body reacts to my emotions. And I have been so sick and so tired.
I can close my eyes and see him smiling at me the way he use to. The way he use to hold me. The way he use to touch me. The way he would say he loved me. The ways I felt safe with him. My heart yearns for that. I don't know if I will ever feel that again.
I hate that it has come to this. I never wanted this. I know he never wanted this either. He just lost his way. He lost himself. I can't help him anymore. I want to but I can't.
I've missed him so much. The person he use to be. Where did he go? And why wont he come back? He left me here alone with a stranger in his place. I just want HIM. The real him.
I don't want this to end. He was the one that brought us to this though.
Last night I felt confident in us. I felt like things would get better. I felt like we really had a chance. Yet they only got worse. He fucked it up. And he only has himself to blame.
I am tired.
All I ever wanted was love, respect and honesty. Did I really not deserve that? Did we not mean anything to him?
I guess his drugs and his friends have always been his first love. I should have known it would turn out like this.
I'm a fool.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

I could smell him in our bed. I felt like he was there last night. I felt sad and lonely. I felt confused. My mind was racing. I couldn't sleep.
I woke up his morning. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to interact with anyone. I didn't want to fake a smile. I just wanted to lie in bed all day. Somehow I forced myself out of bed. I tried to put on a fake smile but it just wouldn't come. The air was cold as I walked to the car. Normally I would have shivered and mentioned something about the cold to my mother. I didn't today. I had so many emotions and thoughts running through me on the drive to work. They almost made me feel numb. I managed a half smile for my mom as she dropped me off.
I took a deep breath and entered into the old building. It smelt like mold and dust. A cheerful coworker greeted me with a hello. I was outside myself again. I walked towards the back of the store. I looked around and thought to myself, "I am surrounded by memories that people have donated. I am surrounded by memories of memories." I felt so sad. I felt I couldn't escape the world around me. I wanted so badly to disappear.
All through out the day I tried to leave my emotions and continuous thoughs of my husband and our baby and my life. But they were present always. I wanted to break down and cry a few times. All my worries and stresses began to make me physically ill. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. I had to stick it out. I kept thinking, "We need the money. We need the money."
Towards the end of my shift a lady came up with her little girl. She was a sweet little girl with stawberry blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes. She was no more than a year old. Her mother was just as sweet. She talked to me about shopping for and with her daughter. Then she asked me about my baby. I smiled, A REAL SMILE. She seemed genuinely interested in knowing about the baby growing inside me. We chatted for a bit. And then she said goodbye. I smiled and wished her a good day. Her daughter looked up at me and smiled. I felt like she knew more about me than what I had told her mother. It's strange and amazing how children have that capability.
For the rest of the day I tried to concentrate on the good things. It worked for the most part. My mother came and picked me up. Before we headed home we wandered around in the book section for a while. I have found reading to be something very soothing. It also eases my mind of my troubles. Everything disappears. We ended up buying about 8 or 9 new books. I am looking forward to reading them all.
The drive home was better than the drive to work. I suppose it's the fact that I was going home. Back to the place where I felt safe. Back to the place where I knew people loved and cared for me. Home.
My mom and I chatted about a few things. We talked about books and our journals and how our day had been. I smiled. Then I looked out the window and watched my world passing me by. These images that I see everyday will forever be burnt into my memories. Or maybe they wont. I began to think about the memories that were significant to me. My mom told me a memory she had of me when I was in 1st grade. I liked hearing her tell me stories about our life.
My family went to a church activity tonight. I took a nap. I dreampt of my husband. I have had time to think about him and us away from my work and my family. So many emotions. I realized that as soon as I stepped into our home that I missed him all over again. I have thought of nothing but him.
I read up on his clinic today. It has a pretty good reputation. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder what he has said to the doctors there. I hope this works. I am trying to stay positive.
I know I need to pray more. I feel it in my bones and in my heart. I have so many things that I need to say. I have so many questions. I need the strength. I feel stronger after I pray. I am more in tune with myself and everything around me after I pray. I guess that is what spirituality is all about.
My fears and anger come in waves. Some huge tidal waves tossing me around like a rag doll. Some small waves leaving subtle imprints in the sand of my mind. Either way they are always there waiting for the perfect moment to let themselves be known.
I wish I could shake the magic 8 ball and know the answers to anything I wanted. Nothing is that simple though. I learned that long ago. It would be nice though.
This experience will either break me or make me stronger. It will either tear us apart or bring us closer together. It's all up to us. Nothing worth keeping is easy.
God, do I love him.