Friday, January 28, 2005

I want to slice my wrists open. Fuck this.

Again I am nothing more than a burden to everyone I know. Worthless.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Adrian
I feel it more and more as the days go by. My body is already changing. The signs are EVERYWHERE. I close my eyes and I see the life crystal clear. I find myself searching for answers in all the wrong places. And yet in those wrong places I seem to find what I am looking for. I know that in the right place, in God, the answer will be shown to me. Maybe I am too afraid to know for certain.
I feel that if it is true I will have to finally get my shit together and start living again. I've been in a daze the past two and a half months. I've been allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. If and when this truth is revealed to me I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to move forward. There is no room for these sorrows in the life that waits for me. It is one thing to always carry him in my heart but it's another to let the grief I feel over losing him take my life down.
I also feel that if I get the unexpected answer that I will lose it. I know I will feel sorrow over something I never even had. I will have another reason to cry. Something more to my already broken heart. Something to help push me farther down into this abyss.
I really want it. I didn't think I would. But as time has slowly faded into yesterdays I find myself dreaming of it. I find myself feeling a great sense of hope. I know that I could do it. I already have it planned out. I know that if it was real that things would be ok. I know I would be teriffied at first of what people might say. People that mean so much to me. I am frightened of what they will think. Will they still love me? My insides say yes. Will they understand? I don't know the answer to that question.
I know it would be beautiful. How could a new life be anything else.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Currently playing: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

- -
I fucking hurt. This song is breaking my heart. I listened to it the other night and felt chills up my spine and him near me. Tonight the song is killing me. I am thinking of them together listening to this song. I am hating every moment. I am brought back to the night before his funeral. Reading his journal. The first part about me. The last half about her. Reading the poem he wrote about them together on that first night. Makes me sick. Makes me want to shred up my wrists. Makes me want to scream at him. Makes me want to die. I hate that he was with her. I am so fucking pissed. I feel forgotten. I hate that he felt that we never extended ourselves toward one another over the past five years. And apparently he did with her. I hate it. I fucking hate it. WHY?! I hate this feeling. Feeling like he doesn't care. Like I didn't mean anything to him. And he's gone now. I can't call him up and ask him what the fuck. No, I have to sit here in this heartache and wonder.
I have been missing him like crazy. I have been wanting to be near him. I have not gone a single day without him in my thoughts. I want him back. I want him back in so may ways. I miss him.
My heart is broken. I feel alone. I feel unimportant to him. I feel jealous of him and her. I feel like dying. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to cry always.
I wonder how he feels about me now.
I listen to Pearl Jam. Eddie telling me "no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." Well it hurts to hear those words. Words that pierce my soul. Lyrics that drain it all out. The realization that I am still breathing even though my heart is shattered. Listening to the songs that he use to sing to me. And now I cry. I cry suddenly without warning. Is it him? Is it me? I feel broken down.
I just love him so much and I hurt without him. I am not sure how to do this. How do I move on? How do I smile? It's only been two months. Some days it feel like it's been years. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days I can bear life. Other days I just hate him. And most days I just miss him like crazy.
I don't feel whole anymore.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I miss him so much. It's been a month and a half. I haven't been doing very well the past week. Christmas. New Years. I brokedown and cried. I brokedown and made myself disappear. I have shamed myself. I wish I would have hugged him more. I wish I was a better wife and friend to him. I have so many regrets. SO many things I wish I would have done differently. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss so much about him. It kills me to know that the heroin finally took him.