Sunday, February 22, 2004

I'm sitting here wondering how this is my life. How did it come to this? I've been telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I just don't understand why though. I guess I don't see the big picture. I try but it's so hard from where I am standing. I want to understand all of this. I want to understand my life.
I've been hiding. I'm afraid to leave my room anymore. I just can't handle life on the other side of the door. And yet when I am in my room alone all day and all night long I still feel terrified of everything. So I let my mind go blank for hours. I just sit and feel nothing. I don't say a word. I block everythig out. In the back of my mind I guess I feel that if I block everything out then everything in my life is ok. But the reality is it's not ok. Nothing is ok. When I block things out it is only postponing all the raw emotions I am feeling. I feel like a coward.
Everyone is constantly telling me how strong they think I am. I don't feel strong at all. I feel hollow. I've got so many hopes and dreams for the future but they all seem so fake to me. I don't know what is real anymore.
I've got 15 more days until I am due. I feel her moving inside me. I don't want to let her go even though I have to. Sometimes I just sit an stare at my calendar. I think about how many days I have had with her and how many I have wasted. I think about the time I have left with her and how I want to make the best of it. I think of what life will be like after her. It will be easy for me to slip back into certain situations without her. She keeps me strong. She keeps me clean and sane. I don't want to fuck up anymore of my life. And it will be so hard without her.
I look at the bassinet in my room. I think of her in there. I think of her tiny body curled up in the little blankets we got for her. I think of her little spirit filling up my home and my life with an incredible sense of peace and hope. Then I think of her disappearing into someone elses home. Into someone elses arms. Into someone elses life. And I wonder how I will be able to do this again.
Will I want children after this? I can't imagine it. I really can't. I know I will want children but will I actually ever have children again? My sister had a dream that I couldn't have children anymore. Everyone thought that maybe it meant that something would happen to where I wouldn't be able to physically have children. But the more I think about it the more I feel as though maybe it is more of an emotional thing rather than a physical. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
And then I think about him. As the days go by my hatred for him subsides. More than anything I feel a tremendous sense of loss and sadness for him. I hear that song "My Immortal" by Evanescence all the time and I can't help but think about him and us and what could have been. He ruined everything and I wonder why. Why did he do this to us and to himself? WHY? Do you want to know what the funny thing is. Somehow after everything, after all the hurt, I still hope that one day he can get better. I hope that he realizes what he had and what he lost. I hope he learns from this. I hope he grows and finds happiness. I hope he moves on to something better. Because honestly that is all I ever really wanted for him. I wanted him to know himself and to be happy. Because as much as I hate him I still love him 100 times more than that hate. How can I not?
I don't know what is going to happen next in my life. Quite frankly I am terrified. But this is my life and I have to accept it. As much as I would like to I can't hide from it anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Sunday, February 15, 2004

I'm sitting here wishing so badly that I didn't care about him. Why does he have to have this hold on my heart? Even after all he has done to me and to us I can't help but feel something for him. I guess after loving someone the way that I have loved him for the past four and a half years expecting to just say goodbye is a joke.
He called tonight. I thought he was calling to say Happy Valentine's Day. haha. Yeah, right. He did manage to say it to me but that wasn't why he called. Even though I still care I have managed to shield my emotions from him. He doesn't deserve to affect my emotions in any way. Kind of ironic too because he is the one that taught me to be more open and not to hide my emotions. Especially not from him. And after I learned that I never hid anything from him. And yet here I am cornered into hiding my emotions from him BECAUSE of him.
He is INSANE. He's just getting worse and worse. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. And I am afraid for him. Even though I despise him I am terrified that he might one day kill himself. Sure heroin is suicide but I mean if he ever took his own life I don't know what I would do. I am pretty damn sure I would be heartbroken beyond belief. No words to even describe that kind of pain. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and a sharp pain into my heart.
Honestly, I am so damn scared for him right now. And this is what I mean when I say that I wish I didn't care. This is eating me up inside. And I have to hide it. I hate this all.
All I ever wanted was to love him and be happy. I wanted him to love me just the same. I wanted us to be a family. He threw EVERYTHING away. I wonder if I will ever truly know why.
Why damn it?!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

I don't know if he ever really loved me. I'll never truly know. Anything he says anymore is toxic. Even if he never really loved me I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and soul. He taught me how to love unconditionally and I thank him for that. I thank him for teaching me all that he has the good and the bad. As much as I despise him now I have no regrets. I could never regret this.
One day he will see. One day he'll know what he had and what he lost.

"Caught a bolt of lightning
Cursed the day he let it go

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Even though I shouldn't
......I will always love him.
This reality is more than bittersweet.

Friday, February 06, 2004

I am watching my world fall apart around me. The glue is finally coming undone. My family has reached the breaking point. After 13 years it is finally over.
My mother is trying to stay strong. She is doing what she believes to be best. I can see the hurt in her eyes. I can see all the pain that she is trying to hide. She has wanted to leave for some time. Yet she had to try. She held on as long as she possibly could. Maybe that's where I get it from.
My step-father has turned into a sad version of my husband. He is gone now. He is off getting drunk or high playing the victim. Feeling sorry for himself. I don't even know who he is anymore. He use to be the only real father I knew. Now...
I have decided to place my daughter for adoption. She deserves so much more than this life. She deserves happiness. She deserves a sober father. She deserves a mother who doesn't cry all the time. She deserves a family without tension like this. She deserves more.
My husband went off on me about my choice. No surprise. Althought I was hoping he might understand just a little. He said things that I thought were beyond his level of low but I was wrong there too. I told him he only had himself to blame. If he would have been honest right from the start we wouldn't have had to suffer all that we have been through. All he had to do was be honest. But he doesn't know what that means anymore. He probably never will again. He is too far gone.
Afterwards he went outside the house and smoked heroin. I saw him. And I confronted him. He just looked up at me all glossy eyed. I asked him if that was his idea of being a good father. He slammed the door in my face and drove off. What a waste. He could have been something beautiful.
Yet my decision to place her is the only thing in my world right now that is bringing me any sense of hope and peace. And this wasn't just something I decided one day. I have been praying day and night about it since I found out I was pregnant. I always recieved the same answer yet I was never able to accept it. At least not until now. This is the right thing to do and no one is going to change my mind about it.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

As much as I say I don't, I truly still love him. And I still harbor feels of hope for us. How can I not? I wanted us so bad. I want us still. I just can't let these feelings take me over. I can't afford to anymore.
Somedays are harder than others. Today was one of those days.