Currently playing: Led Zeppelin by Led Zeppelin

- What is and what should NEVER be - -
So I only have six more days until I am due. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I have the feeling she will be here this weekend though. I am excited and scared and nervous. This is going to be the end of something I held so dear to my heart for so long. But then again I could be wrong. It could be the beginning.
Right now he is in jail. In a way I am kinda glad. This is his chance to get clean before she is born. It is his chance to actually experience this. He will be out Thursday some time. It almost seems like a blessing in disguise. I just hope and pray that when he sees her in his sober state of mind that he will understand and know that there is a beautiful reason to stay sober. There is a reason to live and feel. Actually there are two reasons. Either way I just hope he gets it.
He called me on Sunday. He said that his withdraws were ok at first but then they started to get really bad. He told me that when he stood up to go see the nurse he fainted. Then he ended up having three seizures one right on top of another. Is he trying to kill me or what? That is so damn scary. Fucking heroin!
He then read me a letter he had written. He apologized for all of this. He finally realized that he had to accept responsibility for his actions to be able to move on. He talked about trying to some how work things out between us. He told me how much he loved me and how he wanted us. He said everything I wanted to hear. And that is just it. Did he tell me everything I wanted to hear as part of his deciet or was it sincere? I don't know anymore. And that is awful.
I tried not to cry while I was talking to him. It could be so easy for me to go back to him. Even after all of the hurt and the pain and the lies. Love can be so blind at times. I know that I can't go back though. Somehow I am staying strong. It is damn hard because I still love him so much. That love will always be there. It is apart of who I am now. I can't go back though. As much as I would like to I just can't.
The reality of my life keeps hitting me in waves. Sometimes it feels like it is too much to bear. Sometimes this burden is heavy. I know there has to be a reason for this all. I just wish I knew what that reason was. It would make things so much simpler. But I guess life was never meant to be simple.