Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Currently playing: Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard

- One year, six months
I am still breathing. A friend called at the moment I thought the lights would go out. He called me out of my house. I couldn't say no. And I thank God I didn't stay home. That night was great. I felt ok. There was no anxiousness. I didn't feel alone. I didn't get sick at the thought of being out of my house. I didn't get sick at the thought of meeting new people. I felt really good. Peaceful. The horrible darkness I had been feeling slipped away. A friend saved me with his smile.
My thoughts are on him now. I wish they weren't. I don't like to look at my friends this way. I think I am just missing the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of loving. I realized that the only man on this planet that has ever loved me is gone. The only man that has ever looked at me the way a man looks at a woman when he is in awe of her. He is gone forever. And I feel naked in front of the world. The layers of life we built together are stripped down to bruised hearts. I do miss the feeling of being in love. I miss being in love with him. Even though I love him still it's not the same.
I am praying for another chance at life. A new start. A life that can move forward inspite of the huge gapping hole in my heart. I am praying for a new love. Not now but someday. I am praying for the courage to step out on my own. I am praying for the strength to pull myself up from the depths where I lay. I am praying for help because there is NO WAY I can do this on my own.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him. But he disappears before I get the chance to look him in the eyes. He comes to me in dreams. Does he hear me cry for him? Does he see me like this? I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder what he wants for me. Really, what kind of life would he want for me now? I wish I knew. I wish he would come and show me. I wish he could just tell me. I miss his voice.
I really don't get life. I don't know what it's for. Is there really a purpose? I don't know anymore.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Currently playing: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash

- Hurt
Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I swallowed this bottle of sleeping pills? What am I waiting for?
Everyday gets worse and worse. All I want to do is die. I feel my life is nothing but a waste of space, a burden to those around me. I feel that my purpose has been served and now I am nothing. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I feel so fucking alone. REAL emptiness. It's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel and guess what? The light has turned out to be a train rushing to crush every bone in my body.
Nobody can stand to be around me anymore. No one can even look at me. No one wants to talk to me. They run as fast as they can away. They all hate me. They don't want me around anyway. They wouldn't miss me. They don't know me anyway. I don't know myself anymore either. So it's ok if I disappear.
I just want to die. This pain is taking over. I want to be with HIM again. But he had fucking die on me. He had to leave me alone. He had to leave me with yet another broken heart. I'm not alive anymore anyway.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used

- I'm a fake
I am doubting my abilities all over again.
I threw out a pack of smokes last night. Did I really want to? I said no more alcohol. Did I really mean it? I said no more... Did I really believe it?
I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. There are times when I feel so close to something that seems so right but then I fall flat on my face. I wake with scraped knees and a bruised sense of self. I find myself running down empty hallways toward shadows and moonlight sliding down the walls. What is real anyway? Have I been wrong all along? Is this God just a figment of my imagination? I feel the world spinning out of control around me. No stop. No answers. Only questions. Worries. Fear. Screams. I am running, running, running toward something. I just don't know what it is.
I need out. This place is lonely. My heart feel heavy. How do I breath anymore? How am I even alive? I should have died years ago with the many bottles of pills. I should have died when I walked off that cliff in a moment of psychedelic bliss. I should have died in a missed ride home and a car accident. I should have died that night he found me hanging in the closet. I should have died when he broke my heart all these years. I should have died when he died. I should have died. I have no idea why I am here anymore. I don't want this place. I am selfish. I am tired. I just say fuck it. What a waste. What kind of life is this that always wants the lights to go out? I don't remember a time when I wasn't contemplating suicide.
Something is stirring up in me. I can't keep it hidden anymore. Are you prepared for this scream??? Life alter, bone shattering, soul shaking scream....
You don't really know me. But then again neither do I. I'll warn you when I figure out who she is. Because I have a feeling you will need that warning. She can't be anything but trouble.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Foolish Games
I finally e-mailed L. about the stress of this past month. I wasn't sure when he would get the e-mail. I don't know how often he gets to check his e-mail out there. I was surprised to see that he replied maybe 15 minutes after I sent the e-mail. I guess that is lucky. I probably would have gone crazy waiting for his reply.
I wasn't sure how he would handle the news. I took a deep breath and opened the e-mail. He was gracious, honest and caring. We both felt the same about the whole situation. It was a mistake. A line we never should have crossed. We never really got the chance to talk about things before he left for Thailand. And with his reply he answered so many questions and worries. He showed me just how wonderful a friend he is to me. I felt so much reading his words. I know it must have been hard for him to find the words. After I read the e-mail I just broke down and cried. I cried for so many reasons. But I guess the main reason was because I finally felt that he still did care. He still respected me and our friendship. The past month I have worried that maybe all that was lost. It meant so much to me to feel that again.
A huge weight has been lifted from my soul.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

That's easy for YOU to say, you are already dead.
And again I am ending another night with suicidal thoughts.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used


I feel fucking sick! I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I can't do this anymore. Everyday thoughts of suicide come crashing down on me. One good thing is followed by two bad. I hate this. I want to fucking scream!