"you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase...

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along"

It's sad but I don't miss him. How could I miss someone I didn't know at all? I don't know him. He's a stranger to me. He doesn't even look like the same person. All I see when I look at him anymore are his lies and his addiction. And I feel a sense of resentment towards what I see in him now that burns me up. It makes me sick.

He's going to kill himself. His family is helping him to stay a junkie too. They don't even know it. They bail him out when they said they wouldn't. They let him stay at their home when he is not even welcome. They give him chance after chance after chance hoping that maybe once he will actually change. And I watch him take full advantage of them. They are so blind to his con it's ridiculous. At least I had the courage to finally say enough is enough.

I went by his parents house today to get a few more invitations for the baby shower this weekend. He had just woken up. It was like one. His mom let him sleep in until one. We didn't even say a word to one another. We looked at each other. He acted oblivious to everyone and everything. I saw right through him. He was loaded.

I don't really think he cares anymore about anything. Surely not about us. Not about getting sober. Not about being honest. Not about his daughter. Not about his family. Not about himself. He hasn't even made an effort to try and fix this. He gave up.

If you could see him. You would see that he doesn't care. He puts on a good act when he has to but other than that it's obvious.

I heard him on the phone today. I'm not stupid. I know his little codes now. And he had the balls to just sit there on the phone right in front of me and try and hook up. Wow. Really low.

It's just sad.

I feel sorry for our daughter. She has to grow up with a heroin addict for a father. Hopefully I can find her a real father when the time comes. Someone she can look up to and feel safe with. Someone who will love her unconditionally. Someone the complete opposite of him.

One day he'll wake up and see everything he lost. Or one day he will kill himself and never know what he had. Either way it's a tragedy.