Monday, November 24, 2003

The hurt is sinking in deep now. I feel it staining me. I feel it taking over everything.
This morning he sounded so selfish. He made it sound as if he was the one leaving. He made it sound as if WE weren't important to him at all. He made it sound as if his daughter wasn't important at all. All he wanted was to start new and do things with his life. And our daughter and myself were just the dirt road that led him to this point. Now we get left behind with broken hearts. We get left behind with nothing.
It doesn't seem to be affecting him at all. He doesn't even seem sorry about this. He doesn't even care. And that is what makes the hurt so much worse. The fact that I feel as though I am falling apart. I am losing it. I don't know what to do or think or feel. I have a broken heart. I feel as though I am dying and he just doesn't seem to care at all. It makes me wonder if he ever really did give a damn.
I never wanted this. I always hoped and prayed that we would get through this. I thought the love was strong enough. But I was wrong. I wasn't strong enough. He wasn't strong enough. And here we are.
I really did want to spend the rest of my life with him. I felt like this was going to be the hard part. If we could just get through this then everything would be ok. We would be happy. We would be more in love than ever. And all this would have been worth it.
Now I'll never know what could have been. I might have been the one that kicked him out but he was the one that pushed me to this point. We weren't enough for him. He can blame the world all he wants but he knows deep down that it really is his fault. He knows it. I doubt he will ever admit it but we both know it's the truth.
I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to love ever again. I don't know how I will trust ever again. I don't know how I will ever get over this. The damage is endless.
I spent all day in bed thinking and crying. I spent all day trying to forget everything. Trying not to feel. I took a really long nap and when I woke up I started crying. I just wanted to go back to sleep because then I wouldn't have to feel anything.
I don't know what I am going to do now. I feel so lost. I feel so confused about everything. I just want all this to go away.
I don't want to be a single mom. I don't know how or if I will be able to do that. I am so fucking lost right now.
I love him so much but I just can't do it anymore. My heart is broken forever.
I just think about him doing all these things that he wants to do. Him finding someone the complete opposite of me. His life. And then I think about my life. My life with Cadence. And all the things that I want to do but I probably wont be able to do. I think of never falling in love again. Never taking risks.

I am damaged goods now.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I am so empty right now.
I'm so broken.
I'm so lost.
I don't know what to do or say or feel.
I fear life without him. Yet I have to let him go. I can't do this anymore. It's like dying everyday. It's like having my heart broken over and over by him.
I love and loved him so much. Why did it have to come to this? Weren't we important enough?
I guess not because he is gone now. I kicked him out... again. I felt so betrayed. I thought that we were making progress. We talked about what WE wanted for us. We talked about what we wanted for ourselves. We made goals together. We made plans together. We made compromises. And he just throws it all away. Just like it was nothing.
He broke my heart so bad this time. The damage can never be repaired. My entire body began to react to my broken heart. I shook uncontrollably. I felt the hope I had for us leave my body and the shattered pieces of my heart. Everything, love, trust, respect, friendship companionship he took it all. It's gone. It can never be returned.
Yet when I heard his voice on the line I wanted to cry. I wanted him back so badly. I wanted to pretend that everything was and will be ok. And I knew that was a lie and it hurt all over again. I can't pretend anymore.
It's all up to him now. I have done everything in my power to keep us alive, to help him and to have hope for the future.
I have nothing left to give. I have exhausted myself to the point of sickness. My body reacts to my emotions. And I have been so sick and so tired.
I can close my eyes and see him smiling at me the way he use to. The way he use to hold me. The way he use to touch me. The way he would say he loved me. The ways I felt safe with him. My heart yearns for that. I don't know if I will ever feel that again.
I hate that it has come to this. I never wanted this. I know he never wanted this either. He just lost his way. He lost himself. I can't help him anymore. I want to but I can't.
I've missed him so much. The person he use to be. Where did he go? And why wont he come back? He left me here alone with a stranger in his place. I just want HIM. The real him.
I don't want this to end. He was the one that brought us to this though.
Last night I felt confident in us. I felt like things would get better. I felt like we really had a chance. Yet they only got worse. He fucked it up. And he only has himself to blame.
I am tired.
All I ever wanted was love, respect and honesty. Did I really not deserve that? Did we not mean anything to him?
I guess his drugs and his friends have always been his first love. I should have known it would turn out like this.
I'm a fool.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

I could smell him in our bed. I felt like he was there last night. I felt sad and lonely. I felt confused. My mind was racing. I couldn't sleep.
I woke up his morning. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to interact with anyone. I didn't want to fake a smile. I just wanted to lie in bed all day. Somehow I forced myself out of bed. I tried to put on a fake smile but it just wouldn't come. The air was cold as I walked to the car. Normally I would have shivered and mentioned something about the cold to my mother. I didn't today. I had so many emotions and thoughts running through me on the drive to work. They almost made me feel numb. I managed a half smile for my mom as she dropped me off.
I took a deep breath and entered into the old building. It smelt like mold and dust. A cheerful coworker greeted me with a hello. I was outside myself again. I walked towards the back of the store. I looked around and thought to myself, "I am surrounded by memories that people have donated. I am surrounded by memories of memories." I felt so sad. I felt I couldn't escape the world around me. I wanted so badly to disappear.
All through out the day I tried to leave my emotions and continuous thoughs of my husband and our baby and my life. But they were present always. I wanted to break down and cry a few times. All my worries and stresses began to make me physically ill. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. I had to stick it out. I kept thinking, "We need the money. We need the money."
Towards the end of my shift a lady came up with her little girl. She was a sweet little girl with stawberry blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes. She was no more than a year old. Her mother was just as sweet. She talked to me about shopping for and with her daughter. Then she asked me about my baby. I smiled, A REAL SMILE. She seemed genuinely interested in knowing about the baby growing inside me. We chatted for a bit. And then she said goodbye. I smiled and wished her a good day. Her daughter looked up at me and smiled. I felt like she knew more about me than what I had told her mother. It's strange and amazing how children have that capability.
For the rest of the day I tried to concentrate on the good things. It worked for the most part. My mother came and picked me up. Before we headed home we wandered around in the book section for a while. I have found reading to be something very soothing. It also eases my mind of my troubles. Everything disappears. We ended up buying about 8 or 9 new books. I am looking forward to reading them all.
The drive home was better than the drive to work. I suppose it's the fact that I was going home. Back to the place where I felt safe. Back to the place where I knew people loved and cared for me. Home.
My mom and I chatted about a few things. We talked about books and our journals and how our day had been. I smiled. Then I looked out the window and watched my world passing me by. These images that I see everyday will forever be burnt into my memories. Or maybe they wont. I began to think about the memories that were significant to me. My mom told me a memory she had of me when I was in 1st grade. I liked hearing her tell me stories about our life.
My family went to a church activity tonight. I took a nap. I dreampt of my husband. I have had time to think about him and us away from my work and my family. So many emotions. I realized that as soon as I stepped into our home that I missed him all over again. I have thought of nothing but him.
I read up on his clinic today. It has a pretty good reputation. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder what he has said to the doctors there. I hope this works. I am trying to stay positive.
I know I need to pray more. I feel it in my bones and in my heart. I have so many things that I need to say. I have so many questions. I need the strength. I feel stronger after I pray. I am more in tune with myself and everything around me after I pray. I guess that is what spirituality is all about.
My fears and anger come in waves. Some huge tidal waves tossing me around like a rag doll. Some small waves leaving subtle imprints in the sand of my mind. Either way they are always there waiting for the perfect moment to let themselves be known.
I wish I could shake the magic 8 ball and know the answers to anything I wanted. Nothing is that simple though. I learned that long ago. It would be nice though.
This experience will either break me or make me stronger. It will either tear us apart or bring us closer together. It's all up to us. Nothing worth keeping is easy.
God, do I love him.