Monday, July 18, 2005

To be in love again. To feel. To know what it is to live. To walk away from past heartaches. To have the wind lift me up and carry me toward a new light.
I am beyond happy.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Wow. Things have finally turned around.Life is beautiful. I am so happy.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Currently playing: Live at Benaroya Hall by Pearl Jam

- Around the bend -
The truth is I am not. And I am ok with that. I am really, REALLY, REALLY ok with that. My body is suffering the stresses of my emotions. They are falling out and bleeding inward. The tragedies I carry are too big for this body. So in return the endless stories come breaking through the surface. I am thankful that I am not. I know that at first I wanted it. Or at least I thought I wanted it. I know I only wanted the distraction from him.
There is a new friend. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I can talk to him easily. It's not forced. I don't feel that I have to put on a mask for him. I can be myself, even if at this time I don't know exactly who that is anymore. I like not feeling like I have to hide. He makes me want to be a better person. I know I have only talked to him online a few times but he has already had that kind of positive influence on me. He is so nice. He is just so adorable. I think that he would like that we are friends. I know that this new friend is the kind of person he would want me to know. And that is ok. I am glad that this new friend has entered my life now. I can't deny that I do have a slight crush on him. I don't want to rush and get attached to this new friend though. I don't want to chase him away. Maybe we'll only ever be friends. And that is ok. It really is. Making new friends with the same standards and goals for life is what I was looking for. And now I have found one. Or he found me. Anyway...
I was feeling sad earlier. I tried to write him the goodbye letter. I just couldn't do it. Instead I wrote him a short little birthday letter. His mom is going to put it on his grave for me on his birthday next week. I wont be here for his birthday. And I just don't know that I am ready to go back. It is all too much for me right now. I loved him so much. I wonder if he knows that. He has to know that. I miss him. I miss his friendship.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

They all wonder why? Why him? What is so special about him? How do I answer that? I know what I could say but would it ever do him justice? I don't know. The words seem hollow.
The love of my life has set me free. I can breath again. Thank you.

Friday, March 11, 2005

I am a burden to everyone I know.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Currently playing: Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard

- One year, six months
I am still breathing. A friend called at the moment I thought the lights would go out. He called me out of my house. I couldn't say no. And I thank God I didn't stay home. That night was great. I felt ok. There was no anxiousness. I didn't feel alone. I didn't get sick at the thought of being out of my house. I didn't get sick at the thought of meeting new people. I felt really good. Peaceful. The horrible darkness I had been feeling slipped away. A friend saved me with his smile.
My thoughts are on him now. I wish they weren't. I don't like to look at my friends this way. I think I am just missing the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of loving. I realized that the only man on this planet that has ever loved me is gone. The only man that has ever looked at me the way a man looks at a woman when he is in awe of her. He is gone forever. And I feel naked in front of the world. The layers of life we built together are stripped down to bruised hearts. I do miss the feeling of being in love. I miss being in love with him. Even though I love him still it's not the same.
I am praying for another chance at life. A new start. A life that can move forward inspite of the huge gapping hole in my heart. I am praying for a new love. Not now but someday. I am praying for the courage to step out on my own. I am praying for the strength to pull myself up from the depths where I lay. I am praying for help because there is NO WAY I can do this on my own.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him. But he disappears before I get the chance to look him in the eyes. He comes to me in dreams. Does he hear me cry for him? Does he see me like this? I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder what he wants for me. Really, what kind of life would he want for me now? I wish I knew. I wish he would come and show me. I wish he could just tell me. I miss his voice.
I really don't get life. I don't know what it's for. Is there really a purpose? I don't know anymore.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Currently playing: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash

- Hurt
Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I swallowed this bottle of sleeping pills? What am I waiting for?
Everyday gets worse and worse. All I want to do is die. I feel my life is nothing but a waste of space, a burden to those around me. I feel that my purpose has been served and now I am nothing. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I feel so fucking alone. REAL emptiness. It's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel and guess what? The light has turned out to be a train rushing to crush every bone in my body.
Nobody can stand to be around me anymore. No one can even look at me. No one wants to talk to me. They run as fast as they can away. They all hate me. They don't want me around anyway. They wouldn't miss me. They don't know me anyway. I don't know myself anymore either. So it's ok if I disappear.
I just want to die. This pain is taking over. I want to be with HIM again. But he had fucking die on me. He had to leave me alone. He had to leave me with yet another broken heart. I'm not alive anymore anyway.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used

- I'm a fake
I am doubting my abilities all over again.
I threw out a pack of smokes last night. Did I really want to? I said no more alcohol. Did I really mean it? I said no more... Did I really believe it?
I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. There are times when I feel so close to something that seems so right but then I fall flat on my face. I wake with scraped knees and a bruised sense of self. I find myself running down empty hallways toward shadows and moonlight sliding down the walls. What is real anyway? Have I been wrong all along? Is this God just a figment of my imagination? I feel the world spinning out of control around me. No stop. No answers. Only questions. Worries. Fear. Screams. I am running, running, running toward something. I just don't know what it is.
I need out. This place is lonely. My heart feel heavy. How do I breath anymore? How am I even alive? I should have died years ago with the many bottles of pills. I should have died when I walked off that cliff in a moment of psychedelic bliss. I should have died in a missed ride home and a car accident. I should have died that night he found me hanging in the closet. I should have died when he broke my heart all these years. I should have died when he died. I should have died. I have no idea why I am here anymore. I don't want this place. I am selfish. I am tired. I just say fuck it. What a waste. What kind of life is this that always wants the lights to go out? I don't remember a time when I wasn't contemplating suicide.
Something is stirring up in me. I can't keep it hidden anymore. Are you prepared for this scream??? Life alter, bone shattering, soul shaking scream....
You don't really know me. But then again neither do I. I'll warn you when I figure out who she is. Because I have a feeling you will need that warning. She can't be anything but trouble.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Foolish Games
I finally e-mailed L. about the stress of this past month. I wasn't sure when he would get the e-mail. I don't know how often he gets to check his e-mail out there. I was surprised to see that he replied maybe 15 minutes after I sent the e-mail. I guess that is lucky. I probably would have gone crazy waiting for his reply.
I wasn't sure how he would handle the news. I took a deep breath and opened the e-mail. He was gracious, honest and caring. We both felt the same about the whole situation. It was a mistake. A line we never should have crossed. We never really got the chance to talk about things before he left for Thailand. And with his reply he answered so many questions and worries. He showed me just how wonderful a friend he is to me. I felt so much reading his words. I know it must have been hard for him to find the words. After I read the e-mail I just broke down and cried. I cried for so many reasons. But I guess the main reason was because I finally felt that he still did care. He still respected me and our friendship. The past month I have worried that maybe all that was lost. It meant so much to me to feel that again.
A huge weight has been lifted from my soul.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

That's easy for YOU to say, you are already dead.
And again I am ending another night with suicidal thoughts.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used


I feel fucking sick! I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I can't do this anymore. Everyday thoughts of suicide come crashing down on me. One good thing is followed by two bad. I hate this. I want to fucking scream!

Friday, January 28, 2005

I want to slice my wrists open. Fuck this.

Again I am nothing more than a burden to everyone I know. Worthless.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Adrian
I feel it more and more as the days go by. My body is already changing. The signs are EVERYWHERE. I close my eyes and I see the life crystal clear. I find myself searching for answers in all the wrong places. And yet in those wrong places I seem to find what I am looking for. I know that in the right place, in God, the answer will be shown to me. Maybe I am too afraid to know for certain.
I feel that if it is true I will have to finally get my shit together and start living again. I've been in a daze the past two and a half months. I've been allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. If and when this truth is revealed to me I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to move forward. There is no room for these sorrows in the life that waits for me. It is one thing to always carry him in my heart but it's another to let the grief I feel over losing him take my life down.
I also feel that if I get the unexpected answer that I will lose it. I know I will feel sorrow over something I never even had. I will have another reason to cry. Something more to my already broken heart. Something to help push me farther down into this abyss.
I really want it. I didn't think I would. But as time has slowly faded into yesterdays I find myself dreaming of it. I find myself feeling a great sense of hope. I know that I could do it. I already have it planned out. I know that if it was real that things would be ok. I know I would be teriffied at first of what people might say. People that mean so much to me. I am frightened of what they will think. Will they still love me? My insides say yes. Will they understand? I don't know the answer to that question.
I know it would be beautiful. How could a new life be anything else.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Currently playing: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

- -
I fucking hurt. This song is breaking my heart. I listened to it the other night and felt chills up my spine and him near me. Tonight the song is killing me. I am thinking of them together listening to this song. I am hating every moment. I am brought back to the night before his funeral. Reading his journal. The first part about me. The last half about her. Reading the poem he wrote about them together on that first night. Makes me sick. Makes me want to shred up my wrists. Makes me want to scream at him. Makes me want to die. I hate that he was with her. I am so fucking pissed. I feel forgotten. I hate that he felt that we never extended ourselves toward one another over the past five years. And apparently he did with her. I hate it. I fucking hate it. WHY?! I hate this feeling. Feeling like he doesn't care. Like I didn't mean anything to him. And he's gone now. I can't call him up and ask him what the fuck. No, I have to sit here in this heartache and wonder.
I have been missing him like crazy. I have been wanting to be near him. I have not gone a single day without him in my thoughts. I want him back. I want him back in so may ways. I miss him.
My heart is broken. I feel alone. I feel unimportant to him. I feel jealous of him and her. I feel like dying. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to cry always.
I wonder how he feels about me now.
I listen to Pearl Jam. Eddie telling me "no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." Well it hurts to hear those words. Words that pierce my soul. Lyrics that drain it all out. The realization that I am still breathing even though my heart is shattered. Listening to the songs that he use to sing to me. And now I cry. I cry suddenly without warning. Is it him? Is it me? I feel broken down.
I just love him so much and I hurt without him. I am not sure how to do this. How do I move on? How do I smile? It's only been two months. Some days it feel like it's been years. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days I can bear life. Other days I just hate him. And most days I just miss him like crazy.
I don't feel whole anymore.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I miss him so much. It's been a month and a half. I haven't been doing very well the past week. Christmas. New Years. I brokedown and cried. I brokedown and made myself disappear. I have shamed myself. I wish I would have hugged him more. I wish I was a better wife and friend to him. I have so many regrets. SO many things I wish I would have done differently. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss so much about him. It kills me to know that the heroin finally took him.