I'm sitting here wondering how this is my life. How did it come to this? I've been telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I just don't understand why though. I guess I don't see the big picture. I try but it's so hard from where I am standing. I want to understand all of this. I want to understand my life.
I've been hiding. I'm afraid to leave my room anymore. I just can't handle life on the other side of the door. And yet when I am in my room alone all day and all night long I still feel terrified of everything. So I let my mind go blank for hours. I just sit and feel nothing. I don't say a word. I block everythig out. In the back of my mind I guess I feel that if I block everything out then everything in my life is ok. But the reality is it's not ok. Nothing is ok. When I block things out it is only postponing all the raw emotions I am feeling. I feel like a coward.
Everyone is constantly telling me how strong they think I am. I don't feel strong at all. I feel hollow. I've got so many hopes and dreams for the future but they all seem so fake to me. I don't know what is real anymore.
I've got 15 more days until I am due. I feel her moving inside me. I don't want to let her go even though I have to. Sometimes I just sit an stare at my calendar. I think about how many days I have had with her and how many I have wasted. I think about the time I have left with her and how I want to make the best of it. I think of what life will be like after her. It will be easy for me to slip back into certain situations without her. She keeps me strong. She keeps me clean and sane. I don't want to fuck up anymore of my life. And it will be so hard without her.
I look at the bassinet in my room. I think of her in there. I think of her tiny body curled up in the little blankets we got for her. I think of her little spirit filling up my home and my life with an incredible sense of peace and hope. Then I think of her disappearing into someone elses home. Into someone elses arms. Into someone elses life. And I wonder how I will be able to do this again.
Will I want children after this? I can't imagine it. I really can't. I know I will want children but will I actually ever have children again? My sister had a dream that I couldn't have children anymore. Everyone thought that maybe it meant that something would happen to where I wouldn't be able to physically have children. But the more I think about it the more I feel as though maybe it is more of an emotional thing rather than a physical. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
And then I think about him. As the days go by my hatred for him subsides. More than anything I feel a tremendous sense of loss and sadness for him. I hear that song "My Immortal" by Evanescence all the time and I can't help but think about him and us and what could have been. He ruined everything and I wonder why. Why did he do this to us and to himself? WHY? Do you want to know what the funny thing is. Somehow after everything, after all the hurt, I still hope that one day he can get better. I hope that he realizes what he had and what he lost. I hope he learns from this. I hope he grows and finds happiness. I hope he moves on to something better. Because honestly that is all I ever really wanted for him. I wanted him to know himself and to be happy. Because as much as I hate him I still love him 100 times more than that hate. How can I not?
I don't know what is going to happen next in my life. Quite frankly I am terrified. But this is my life and I have to accept it. As much as I would like to I can't hide from it anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore....
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.