She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.


You are gone now. I never really thought things would end like this. I knew that I always had a fear of you falling to sleep and not waking up. That fear came to life as your own life slipped away. My heart aches like never before. Even as I felt like I hated you I always loved you. I wanted you to continue on with your life and find peace. Now I am missing the idea of the life you could have had. I am missing you.