I am watching my world fall apart around me. The glue is finally coming undone. My family has reached the breaking point. After 13 years it is finally over.
My mother is trying to stay strong. She is doing what she believes to be best. I can see the hurt in her eyes. I can see all the pain that she is trying to hide. She has wanted to leave for some time. Yet she had to try. She held on as long as she possibly could. Maybe that's where I get it from.
My step-father has turned into a sad version of my husband. He is gone now. He is off getting drunk or high playing the victim. Feeling sorry for himself. I don't even know who he is anymore. He use to be the only real father I knew. Now...
I have decided to place my daughter for adoption. She deserves so much more than this life. She deserves happiness. She deserves a sober father. She deserves a mother who doesn't cry all the time. She deserves a family without tension like this. She deserves more.
My husband went off on me about my choice. No surprise. Althought I was hoping he might understand just a little. He said things that I thought were beyond his level of low but I was wrong there too. I told him he only had himself to blame. If he would have been honest right from the start we wouldn't have had to suffer all that we have been through. All he had to do was be honest. But he doesn't know what that means anymore. He probably never will again. He is too far gone.
Afterwards he went outside the house and smoked heroin. I saw him. And I confronted him. He just looked up at me all glossy eyed. I asked him if that was his idea of being a good father. He slammed the door in my face and drove off. What a waste. He could have been something beautiful.
Yet my decision to place her is the only thing in my world right now that is bringing me any sense of hope and peace. And this wasn't just something I decided one day. I have been praying day and night about it since I found out I was pregnant. I always recieved the same answer yet I was never able to accept it. At least not until now. This is the right thing to do and no one is going to change my mind about it.