I spent the latter part of the day with my family. We had a good Thanksgiving this year. It was how I always pictured it to be. We all helped in making dinner. Then we watched Harry Potter. It was a good night. I just barely escaped the "This is what I am thankful for" portion of both dinners. I am sure I would have lost it or made a fool out of myself. Also, my sisters and I watched The Sixth Sense that night and I balled my eyes out. Yeah... that aside things were bareable.
It snowed today. The snow makes me think of Tyler. He was so close to the first snowfall of the year. He would have loved it. It was simply beautiful and peaceful to watch it fall this morning. GOD! I have my good moments and my bad moments. And then I have my moments when I am totally numb. I hung out with my little sister last night. I felt bad for feeling good. If that makes any sense. Sometimes I forget he is gone and I hate myself for that. I did feel him with me last night. I was standing alone looking up at the moon and I felt him give me a big hug. It was so nice yet it made me miss him even more. I want to go to his grave again but I am afraid.
I don't know what to say to people anymore. I feel fake. My body aches all the time. I hardly ever dream anymore. My days blur together. Time doesn't seem to matter. I feel empty.. hollow. I feel alone. Everyone wants to talk to me about this but I just can't.. not yet.
Something to pass the time...
PAST.
-first grade teacher's name: I don't remember
-last word you said: bye
-last song you sang: Pieces of You by Jewel
-last thing you laughed at: My sister last night
-last time you cried: All I do is cry
.PRESENT.
-what's in your cd player: The Used
-what color socks are you wearing: My white tube socks with baby blue stripes.
-what's under your bed: Pictures
-what time did you wake up today: 7:30 and then noon.
.FUTURE.
-what is your career going to be: Maybe a writer?
-where are you going to live: Oregon but I'll always come back to Utah
-how many kids do you want: I don't know anymore
-what kind of car will you drive: Maybe a jeep
.CURRENT.
-current hair: Straight and clipped back
-current clothes: Grey and pink converse, dark jeans, white t-shirt, black long-sleeve overshirt, black hoodie and jean jacket.
-current jewelry: My wedding band and my blue barbell
-current annoyance: Everything
-current smell: Merry Melon Lipgloss
-current longing: Tyler
-current desktop picture: Blackness... nothing
-current favorite music artist: Jewel
-current book: My old journals
-current worry: Too many things..
-current hate: Myself
-story behind your username: hippiejua - Spike and what's his name gave it to me. I don't know???
-current favorite article of clothing: My black overshirt. Tyler gave it to me because it shrunk in the wash and he couldn't wear it anymore.
-one person you wish was here right now: Tyler... who else..
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: What's up?
-i am happiest when: I don't fucking know anymore
-i feel lonely when: ALL THE TIME!
-favorite authors: Not sure
-do you think too much: Yes.. YES...YES!!!
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: In my own cabin on the top of a mountain overlooking the ocean. I don't know.
-famous person you have met: Who fucking cares
-do you have any regrets: Always
-sex or love: LOVE.
-favorite coffee: Iced carmel soy latte
-favorite smell: Him
-what makes you mad: LIFE
-favorite way to waste time: livejournal, smoking, drinking and texting my friends
-what is your best quality: Everyone says I am strong. I don't know what the fuck that means.
-are you currently in love/lust: Always in love.
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: Gotten married to my heroin addict boyfriend
-any bad habits: Pessimisim and chain smoking
-do you find it hard to trust people: Yes and no
-last thing you bought yourself: More minutes for my pieces of shit pre-paid cellphone.
-bath or shower: shower
-favorite season: Every season has it's charms.
-favorite color: BLACK
-favorite time of day: When I don't hurt
-gold or silver: Silver
-any secret crushes: That's the last thing on my mind
.FASHION.
-how many coats and jackets do you own: Too many
-do you wear a watch: I do. You wanna know something weird. It died the day Tyler did. I can't seem to take it off now.
-favorite pants color: Jeans
-most expensive item of clothing: Still my Betsy Johnson dress
-most treasured: My black overshirt
.YOUR FRIENDS.
-do your friends know you: Not at the moment
-what do they tend to be like: Most are great but some are kinda lame
-can you count on them: Sometimes
-can they count on you: Sometimes... not now
.LAST.
-last book you read: The Notebook
-last movie you saw: Shrek 2
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Polar Express
-last show you watched on tv: Retrosexual on VH1
-last song you heard: I can't remember
-last thing you had to drink: Dr Pepper
-last thing you ate: A Hersheys Kiss
-last time you showered: The other day when I cared
-last time you smiled: Last night with my sister
-last person you hugged: My mom
-last person you kissed: That was a long time ago... it doesn't matter now
-last person you talked to online: Nico maybe???
-last person you talked to on the phone: Joel, he bitched about his job and avoided any mention of Tyler
.DO YOU.
-smoke: All the fucking time
-do drugs: Sometimes
-drink: More than a person in my state should
-sleep with stuffed animals: No
-play an instrument: No
-believe there is life on other planets: Yes
-read the newspaper: I use to but now I am afraid to because who knows who else I'll find in the obituary section
-have any gay or lesbian friends: Yes
-believe in miracles: Yes
-consider yourself tolerant: Sometimes
-consider police a friend or foe: Both
-like the taste of alchohol: Too much
-have a favorite stooge: No
-believe in astrology: Yeah
-believe in magic: Sometimes
-pray: Yes
-go to church: No
-have any secrets: Yes
-have any pets: Not anymore
-go or plan to attened college: Yes... the plan is for sooner than later
-talk to strangers: Sometimes
-have any piercings: Eyebrow
-have any tattoos: Nope
-hate yourself: How could I not?
-wish on stars: Yes
-like your handwriting: Never!
-believe in witches: Yes
-believe in ghosts: Yes
-believe in santa: Yes
-believe in the easter bunny: Not really
-believe in the tooth fairy: No
-have a second family: Tyler's family
-sing in the shower: No, I cry instead
Well.. that was thoughrally unhealthy.
Anyway, here are a few pictures from last night with my little sister Andrea. She lives in Texas right now. She is too cute and knows how to make me laugh and have a good time even if I don't want to. Don't let my smile fool you though. I am not the same as I was before. Therefore that smile is changed and you wont unerstand it like I do.
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