Here are a few truths about how I use to be. Its true and honest and hard to admit. This is why I need to say it.
I was lazy for a long time. Somewhere along the way I just got stuck. I got stuck on watching tv all day and playing on the Internet. When I was a kid we never watched tv. We use to run around and play. We had imaginations bigger than the ocean. Maybe it was because tv became so accessible and we got bored. Whatever it was I spent a lot of time in front of the television. I hate that. Its so terrible spending all day and night watching tv or sitting in front of the computer screen. In the end you are just wasting your time watching someone else live.
Another thing that I have learned is that I use to make excuses for any and everything. And no offense to my family but we ALL have a tendency to make excuses rather than just admit the hard shit. Like, watching tv all day long. I had an excuse for letting myself do that. "I dont feel good today" "It's my day off, so whatever" "My foot hurts I guess I cant go for a walk"
I never wanted to admit that I actually was lazy and procrastinating my life for no real reason. People say you need to do things in your own time. I think that's true to a point. It really shouldnt have taken me 10 years to get my drivers license or to get my high school diploma.
I think I use to make myself sick too. I think I made my body feel like it was falling apart so that it appeared that there was a legitimate reason for my laziness and my willingness to make excuses for my life. I think I started to do it so much that I forgot the difference between real pain and sickness and the fake. It's so, so, so easy to get into this pattern. And you know the silly thing about this all is that everyone saw right through me and they let me get away with it. WHY? I dont know. Maybe they felt sorry for me. Either way looking back I can see that it was rather pathetic on my part.
It's so hard to look at yourself and say, "I really am lazy. I really am making an excuse for not living my life." But now that I have been able to face myself, I can change and I think that I have changed. Obviously I still struggle but now I have the guts to face myself and not let myself fall back into those dangerous patterns. They were deadly because they kept me from living my best life and being the best person that I can be.
I dare you to truly look at yourself in the mirror today. It will change your life.
That top picture is my favorite from when she was born. Look at the perfectly, beautiful expression on her face. She couldnt wait to be with her brother and Malen and Wendy.
I will be plainly honest here. I feel like the worst person in the world today. I forgot. I forgot Solee's birthday. I forgot Tyler's last month. I have always prided myself on remembering so much. And yet lately I seem to forget more than I can remember. And it makes me feel like I am the worst person ever.
I dont know how to juggle moving on with remembering who I am. I feel confused. Either way I forgot a day that I never thought I would. And I am hating myself for it.
Anyway, its not about me. Happy birthday Solee. I love you very much and I am so glad that you have the family that you have. You are amazing!