Tuesday, November 30, 2004

So you wanna know how I am? The answer is simple... not good.

It's really starting to hit me that he is gone. There are memory triggers everywhere. I can't stop crying. I have had two dreams with him in them. One, he was warning and protecting me against false friends. I still don't know who those friends are. The one last night he was reassuring me that he did love me and that I meant a lot to him, even in the end. I woke up happy and then I got really, really depressed. He is still gone.

I am moving out of my apartment tonight and into my mom's. I think about going to work and then I flip out.

I am a mess.

I love him so, so much.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Extra long and boring post

Thanksgiving was nice. I spent the first part of the day with The Grays. They were so wonderful to me. Tyler's little brother Kyle looked exactly like Tyler when we first started dating. I had to do a double take every time I looked at him. God, I love his family.

I spent the latter part of the day with my family. We had a good Thanksgiving this year. It was how I always pictured it to be. We all helped in making dinner. Then we watched Harry Potter. It was a good night. I just barely escaped the "This is what I am thankful for" portion of both dinners. I am sure I would have lost it or made a fool out of myself. Also, my sisters and I watched The Sixth Sense that night and I balled my eyes out. Yeah... that aside things were bareable.

It snowed today. The snow makes me think of Tyler. He was so close to the first snowfall of the year. He would have loved it. It was simply beautiful and peaceful to watch it fall this morning. GOD! I have my good moments and my bad moments. And then I have my moments when I am totally numb. I hung out with my little sister last night. I felt bad for feeling good. If that makes any sense. Sometimes I forget he is gone and I hate myself for that. I did feel him with me last night. I was standing alone looking up at the moon and I felt him give me a big hug. It was so nice yet it made me miss him even more. I want to go to his grave again but I am afraid.

I don't know what to say to people anymore. I feel fake. My body aches all the time. I hardly ever dream anymore. My days blur together. Time doesn't seem to matter. I feel empty.. hollow. I feel alone. Everyone wants to talk to me about this but I just can't.. not yet.

Something to pass the time...

-first grade teacher's name: I don't remember
-last word you said: bye
-last song you sang: Pieces of You by Jewel
-last thing you laughed at: My sister last night
-last time you cried: All I do is cry

-what's in your cd player: The Used
-what color socks are you wearing: My white tube socks with baby blue stripes.
-what's under your bed: Pictures
-what time did you wake up today: 7:30 and then noon.

-what is your career going to be: Maybe a writer?
-where are you going to live: Oregon but I'll always come back to Utah
-how many kids do you want: I don't know anymore
-what kind of car will you drive: Maybe a jeep

-current hair: Straight and clipped back
-current clothes: Grey and pink converse, dark jeans, white t-shirt, black long-sleeve overshirt, black hoodie and jean jacket.
-current jewelry: My wedding band and my blue barbell
-current annoyance: Everything
-current smell: Merry Melon Lipgloss
-current longing: Tyler
-current desktop picture: Blackness... nothing
-current favorite music artist: Jewel
-current book: My old journals
-current worry: Too many things..
-current hate: Myself
-story behind your username: hippiejua - Spike and what's his name gave it to me. I don't know???
-current favorite article of clothing: My black overshirt. Tyler gave it to me because it shrunk in the wash and he couldn't wear it anymore.
-one person you wish was here right now: Tyler... who else..
-line from the last thing you wrote to someone: What's up?
-i am happiest when: I don't fucking know anymore
-i feel lonely when: ALL THE TIME!
-favorite authors: Not sure
-do you think too much: Yes.. YES...YES!!!
-if you could live anywhere in the world, where: In my own cabin on the top of a mountain overlooking the ocean. I don't know.
-famous person you have met: Who fucking cares
-do you have any regrets: Always
-sex or love: LOVE.
-favorite coffee: Iced carmel soy latte
-favorite smell: Him
-what makes you mad: LIFE
-favorite way to waste time: livejournal, smoking, drinking and texting my friends
-what is your best quality: Everyone says I am strong. I don't know what the fuck that means.
-are you currently in love/lust: Always in love.
-what's the craziest thing you have ever done: Gotten married to my heroin addict boyfriend
-any bad habits: Pessimisim and chain smoking
-do you find it hard to trust people: Yes and no
-last thing you bought yourself: More minutes for my pieces of shit pre-paid cellphone.
-bath or shower: shower
-favorite season: Every season has it's charms.
-favorite color: BLACK
-favorite time of day: When I don't hurt
-gold or silver: Silver
-any secret crushes: That's the last thing on my mind

-how many coats and jackets do you own: Too many
-do you wear a watch: I do. You wanna know something weird. It died the day Tyler did. I can't seem to take it off now.
-favorite pants color: Jeans
-most expensive item of clothing: Still my Betsy Johnson dress
-most treasured: My black overshirt

-do your friends know you: Not at the moment
-what do they tend to be like: Most are great but some are kinda lame
-can you count on them: Sometimes
-can they count on you: Sometimes... not now

-last book you read: The Notebook
-last movie you saw: Shrek 2
-last movie you saw on the big screen: Polar Express
-last show you watched on tv: Retrosexual on VH1
-last song you heard: I can't remember
-last thing you had to drink: Dr Pepper
-last thing you ate: A Hersheys Kiss
-last time you showered: The other day when I cared
-last time you smiled: Last night with my sister
-last person you hugged: My mom
-last person you kissed: That was a long time ago... it doesn't matter now
-last person you talked to online: Nico maybe???
-last person you talked to on the phone: Joel, he bitched about his job and avoided any mention of Tyler

-smoke: All the fucking time
-do drugs: Sometimes
-drink: More than a person in my state should
-sleep with stuffed animals: No
-play an instrument: No
-believe there is life on other planets: Yes
-read the newspaper: I use to but now I am afraid to because who knows who else I'll find in the obituary section
-have any gay or lesbian friends: Yes
-believe in miracles: Yes
-consider yourself tolerant: Sometimes
-consider police a friend or foe: Both
-like the taste of alchohol: Too much
-have a favorite stooge: No
-believe in astrology: Yeah
-believe in magic: Sometimes
-pray: Yes
-go to church: No
-have any secrets: Yes
-have any pets: Not anymore
-go or plan to attened college: Yes... the plan is for sooner than later
-talk to strangers: Sometimes
-have any piercings: Eyebrow
-have any tattoos: Nope
-hate yourself: How could I not?
-wish on stars: Yes
-like your handwriting: Never!
-believe in witches: Yes
-believe in ghosts: Yes
-believe in santa: Yes
-believe in the easter bunny: Not really
-believe in the tooth fairy: No
-have a second family: Tyler's family
-sing in the shower: No, I cry instead

Well.. that was thoughrally unhealthy.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from last night with my little sister Andrea. She lives in Texas right now. She is too cute and knows how to make me laugh and have a good time even if I don't want to. Don't let my smile fool you though. I am not the same as I was before. Therefore that smile is changed and you wont unerstand it like I do.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Drunk... yeah that's me.

I hung out with Melissa yesterday. We had a really good talk. Things are ok with us. We got a lot of things out.

Anyway.... back to being a drunk girl.

Sunday, November 21, 2004


"Live your life as though it were your last day because one day it will be."

Tyler's gray day...

I am not doing that great. Actually I am really depressed. I can hardly move. I wont answer my phone. I am freezing and yet I don't even care. I don't care if I fall. I burnt myself today and I didn't feel a thing. Why should I care about physical pain? There is a pain worse than that and I am enduring it right now. Everyone says to keep busy but I just can't seem to force myself to function. I don't care right now.

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Longboarding down the canyon till 6 am was exactly what I needed.

.....then I puked.

I'm a MESS!!!

Today (well yesterday if you look at the time) was the day that we buried my sweetheart into this earth. I slept in his bed last night. I read through some of his things and discovered some sad truths about the past month of his life. If I had only known I would have been there. I know it's ridiculous to dwell on What if's. But I guess this was the way it was meant to be. His time had come. I have feared this day for years. I use to have nightmares about his death and I would stay up all night watching him to make sure that he was still breathing. Now he is with God. I know that must be wonderful for him yet at the same time I can't deny the aching in my heart.

Today I broke down more times than I can count. Seeing him peaceful in his beautiful wooden casket. Saying goodbye and watching the strange man close the casket on him. Hearing his family speak of him during the service. Seeing the friends he loved yet feared would end up just as he. Seeing our love blossom in the hearts of our two wonderfully happy children. His casket being carried by his brothers and cousins to his final resting place. Friends and family showering me with endless hugs. Returning to his grave with his wonderful mother and father and his siblings. I lost it. Without a doubt I lost my mind and my heart. All emotions were set a blaze today.

I am still in shock over this. I can't help but think that he is at home writing a poem. I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I never knew emotions like this even existed and again he is was the one to show me the full depths of my heart.

To be honest I don't know how I feel. If anything I am a mess. I know life goes on but how and when does this occur? I feel so confused about my life. I want to run away from all that I know. I want to pretend that everything is ok. To be honest the thought of cutting sounds so pleasant. The thought of starving myself sounds great. The thought of eating again in a bing and then purging sounds safe. The thought of drowning my sorrows in altered states sounds right. Self-destruction is so familiar to me in times of heartache. Yet this is a pain I have never known before and I have no idea how to deal or pretend to deal with it. I am lost.

Yet in me I feel a sense of freedom. All my fears have been washed clean. I could climb Mt. Everest or jump out of a plane and know that I would be ok. I want to live and do all that he never did. I want to do everything he ever thought I could do. The fear I feel is the fear of feeling emotional heartache.

Tonight I will teach my friend to longboard. Then I will go down the canyon myself in remembrance of him. I know he would like that. I know he would hate that I am drunk. I know that he would understand my desire to escape the burdens of pain though. And I can only pray that he forgives me.

Time.... that is all I have. I have a feeling it will be many years before I meet him again.

I wrote the following poem for him tonight:

I wish I were a
For your soul
could blow through my
Autumn leaves
and bring me to
once more.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Nothing else seems to matter. Or at least the things I use to think mattered have suddenly become trivial. I want to hug everyone. I want to know who people really are. I want to make amends were it is needed. I want to feel the kind of peace that Tyler must be feeling in every aspect of my life.

I am so very changed. I feel different in every way. The way I see myself in the mirror. The way I look at people. My thoughts. I haven't been dreaming the past week. I can't eat. I lose my train of thought in a heartbeat. Good changes and bad changes. But no matter what it is still change.

I was reading through letters that we had written each other over the years. It made me so happy to see that Tyler had written FOREVER or FOREVER LOVE in almost every letter where I had signed my name. I went into his room the other night and saw that he had a picture of me on the nightstand next to his bed. It was one that he use to keep in his wallet. Maybe he was going to put it away with the letters or the rest of the pictures. I don't know but I was so glad that he had it out. He had seen me recently.

Tonight I will be staying at The Gray's. I will be sleeping in his bed. I wonder if I will dream of him and us and what once was. Tomorrow I fear I will lose it. Hopefully he will help me get through the day.

Someone asked me why I am wearing my wedding ring if we were getting divorced. I told them that it was because my ring symbolizes forever love. He was my best friend. He inspired me in so many ways. He made me the person I am today. Even though we were getting divorced it wasn't because we didn't love each other. It was exactly the opposite. We loved each other so much that we had to let each other go. We wanted to see where the future would take us. He even said to me once that maybe we were always meant to be together and that maybe we would end up together in the end. We loved each other so much. And we only wanted the other to be happy. I am wearing my ring in remembrance of the love that we shared even up until now. It will never die. Forever love truly means forever.

God be with me tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

His obituary was in the paper today. The link to it is below.

His family has been sooo wonderful to me. His brother is the morning dj at the local high school radio station and he dedicated a song to me and Tyler yesterday. I love them so much.

Sky's 4th birthday is today. Four years ago we brought our son into this world. Four years ago we gave him the chance at a real life. I only wish Sky could have know Tyler as a man. They will be at the funeral. I am afraid to see them. Seeing my daughter smile and Sky hug me. I might lose it. They have so much of both of us in them.

I am different now. Forever changed.

I don't really know what to say anymore.

Monday, November 15, 2004

He has wings now

He has a soul.. free
A place beyond tomorrow
Bigger than today
Yesterday's memory is all I've got
left of him
Or so I thought
until I found a feather on my pillow.

How do I write this? My entire body is trembling and my eyes are swelled up with tears. How do I say that on November 14th 2004 at 10:39 am I watched the great love of my life take his very last breath. Tyler Stillwell Gray is gone. My husband. My best friend. The ultimate love of my life is gone. He went to a place that I cannot even begin to fathom.

He overdosed on heroin Saturday night. I spent the entire night with his mother and father. We sat by his side till the very end. He was a vegetable. The only part of his brain that was still functioning was the part that told him to breath and even that part needed help. He had tubes and wires everywhere. I knew exactly when he left his body. His mother Judy and father Russell and I had just barely walked into the room. He opened his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes of his. Judy and I walked closer to his bed. Judy called out Tyler's name. The nurse came in and we asked her if he could see us. I knew that he could. Then his heart stopped and he left his body.

Judy quickly grabbed my hand rushed us out into the hallway. They worked on him for half an hour. I guess she felt that neither of us could handle it. At that moment when I was crying in her arms I closed my eyes and I saw Tyler. Not the Tyler that was weak and dying in the room next door. But Tyler. His spirit. He was strong and healthy and beautiful. I closed my eyes even tighter hoping to hold onto that vision of him. He walked over to me and gave me a big hug. The kind of hug that he gave me after our first kiss. The kind of hug he gave me after we placed our children in the arms of their parents. The kind of hug he gave me the last time we saw each other. Strong and calm. Beautiful and meaningful. Safe. I felt his arms around me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at Judy crying. We held each other tight and I felt Tyler wrap his arms around Judy and me. I heard him say, and I know he was smiling when he said it, MY GIRLS. I heard him say that. He didn't leave then though. His heart started to beat again.

Judy and I stayed with him through the night. My parents were there for a while but I told them they could leave. They knew there was nothing they could do for me then and that I just needed that time with him. Russell left later. So it was just Judy and me watching over him all night. There was a moment when Judy left the room. I took that time to walk over to him and tell him how much I loved him and that I would always love him. Then I brushed my hand across his face. I wanted to kiss his forehead but I didn't. I knew he was there. I knew he could hear me. I knew it meant a lot to him that I stayed. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The next morning was hard. He was getting weaker. He had pneumonia and his body temperature sky rocketed. One of his lungs had collapsed. Russell arrived around 7 am. The three of us sat with him more. Then the time came. Russell and Judy walked out of the room and talked to the doctor. I just looked up at Tyler with tear filled eyes. I kept telling him how much I loved him. That I always would. I told him that I meant forever and ever when we exchanged rings a little over a year ago. And even though we were going our separate ways the love I had for him was still as deep as it ever was. I put my wedding ring back on then. I have it on still. And I wont take it off until I feel ok without it. Maybe it's a mistake but for me, in these moments that I am living in, it's the world. My forever changed world.

Judy and the nurse came into talk to me. I knew it was coming. The nurse explained to me that there was little hope and that even if by some miracle they could save him he would only ever be a vegetable. I knew that Tyler wouldn't have wanted that. He was the type of person that loved to climb mountains and ski down them. He liked to hike and camp and longboard down the canyon. He loved to write and analyze. He loved conversation and affection. He was an adventurer. He was ready to go home. It was the hardest thing in the world for me. I looked over at him and began to cry. But I could feel Tyler sitting with me. He let me know that it was ok and that he was ready. He gave me the strength and the courage to let go and I said ok.

While they took the tubes from his body I called my mom and let her know what was going on. She said she would be there in a while. I told her not to rush. This was going to be one of the most sacred experiences of my life and I wanted it for myself. She understood that.

I walked back into the room and Judy wrapped her arms around me. Russell stood at the head of the bed. They finished pulling the tubes from his body and Judy turned my head away. She didn't want me to see. She didn't want that to be apart of this for me. The nurses cleaned him up and then left us alone behind a glass door and a curtain. Judy pulled up a chair for me and I sat right next to him. Judy put her arms on my shoulders and stood behind me. The nurses said it could be an hour before he finally passed. I was so afraid when I heard that. Could I last an hour watching him struggle for breath? Judy told him that we loved him. Russell was silent and I knew he was crying. I wondered what he was thinking watching his son dying. I couldn't take my eyes from Tyler though. I tickled his arm just like I had thousands of times before through out these past five years. I know he liked that. I held his hand. I always loved his hands. He liked to watch me examine the beauty in his hands. So strong and beautiful. Gentle and skilled. Warm and full of character. I couldn't say anything. Yet I couldn't help myself from thinking, "I love you Tyler. I love you so much. I have always loved you. I always will love you. I love you Tyler..." Over and over. I KNOW he heard me. I can't explain how but I know that he did. There is no doubt in my head or my heart about that.

His breaths were heavy and hard. They were slowing down. It almost seemed like minutes before he would breath again. Then 15 minutes after they took him off the machines I watched him take his last breath. I saw all that was left in Tyler rise up from his body and drift off. I saw the change and pulled my hand away from him. I was scared. His body tensed up, his lips faded to white, his skin turned blotchy and yellow and then white. Goosebumps up and down his body. I'll never forget that. At that very moment when he took his last breath in this life I felt a pain in my chest, in my heart, that I never knew could exist. It felt as though my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest. That was Tyler taking a piece of me with him. When he left I wanted to scream and freak out. I cried out and buried my head in Judy's stomach. And at that moment when I thought I could break I felt Tyler hug me and say goodbye. I felt a kiss on my cheek and when I looked up to see who was there there was no one. The sun broke through the clouds on that rainy Sunday. It's rays filled up the room and I felt the warmth and beauty of the place that Tyler was going. I knew then that he was ok.

The three of us sat with him. We agreed that he was finally at peace and that his battles were over. I cried and I cried. Even though I know he is in a better place I can't help but miss him. Missing the idea that he was going to move on with his life and find happiness here in this lifetime. Missing knowing that he is somewhere writing a poem or hiking up to find a new view. Missing the future he could have had. Missing his life. Missing him. We stayed with Tyler for a while. I know that we were the three people that he most wanted there at his side and Judy confirmed that to me. The hardest part was walking out of the room. Letting go. I didn't want to and I still don't.

We walked out to see Tyler's girlfriend. I turned away when I first saw her. I couldn't do it just then. But somehow I managed to turn around and give her a hug. Then she said to me through tears, "We both loved him." It's true. We did love him in our own way.

It has been so hard. Harder than I ever thought anything could be. One moment I am numb staring out the window or at the wall the next I am balling my eyes out. You know all the hurt and anger and pain that we caused each other has disappeared. I felt it leave my body and my heart yesterday. We didn't have the best relationship and it wasn't always easy. I mean he screwed with my heart and hurt me worse than anyone ever has but I loved him. And I know that he loved me too. I don't care that when we last saw each other he said it was more of an attachment than love. Last night I read through letters and poems he had written me, my journals and pictures. There was love there. Deep love. You can't fake that sort of thing. He lied when he said it was an attachment. I felt it as I read through it all last night. I know that he is sorry for having said that.

I am flooded with memories and emotions. I am so grateful for the past five years. I am grateful for him entering my life. We have shared so much together. We became best friends. I read a quote once that said, "Love is friendship set on fire." I believe that with all my heart. Our relationship started with friendship and within hours there was love. So many memories. And all the bad have left me. Maybe because I have spent the past few months remembering them that they finally too died. Now all I have is those special moments that no one could ever know about. The words he whispered to me when he thought I was sleeping. The way I would catch him staring at me with a great big smile. The way it felt to be in his arms. The times we comforted each other. His touch. His smell. His smile. The way he felt in my arms. The way we loved each other. Even though I have said at times that I hate him... I never really did. I always loved him. It just hurt so much to love him and not be with him. Just like now. Only now I feel safe in saying I love him.

I thought it was hard trying to move on with my life before he died. Now it feels worse. How do I do this? How do I live and move on knowing that he will never do all that he ever wanted to do in this life? He would have been a wonderful father. He could have done something great with his life. God it hurts so much to know that his life is over.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. My heart aches. Last night as I lay crying in my bed I thought I felt him beside me telling me it was ok. I know he is with me. I have felt him from time to time since yesterday. I realized that this is the time of year that he would have wanted to leave. Fall just before the snow falls. This is his time of year.

I went to The Gray's today. I stood in front of their house and froze. I began to cry. He was never going to be there again. He would never say hi and hug me ever again. He wasn't up in his room. He wasn't downstairs watching The Simpsons or Seinfeld. He wasn't there. My mom helped me to the door. Judy answered. I just lost it and she held me in her arms. She told me that she was so glad that I came by. I gave her some ideas for the funeral services. One was to have a poem of his in the service program. She loved that idea. I gave her the very first poem that he ever wrote for me. She loved it. Then she copied it down. Sarah and Tim might sing at the funeral as well. Tyler always loved to hear Sarah sing. And he loved Tim. Tim, Tyler and I had some really great times together when we all lived in this awful, small basement apartment. Judy said she would talk to Russell about it. Hopefully it works out.

The Gray's have been really great to me. They have welcomed me into their home and into their lives with open arms. I have been apart of their family for so long. And they have never left me out. I love them and I am so grateful for them.

Like Tyler once wrote to me in a letter there will always be pieces of us living on through Sky and Solee. Long after we are gone they will be there and their children and their children. The love we once had is alive and breathing. How wonderful is that? We are lucky.

The funeral is on Friday at 11 am. The viewing will be at 9 am. He is going to be buried in Lehi. I'll have more details later.

The love of my life is gone. I am a widow. I don't know what else to say. Anything else is too personal.

I Love you Tyler.

Rest In Peace
Tyler Stillwell Gray
February 11th, 1982 - November 14th, 2004