Friday, January 30, 2004

"you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase...

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along"

It's sad but I don't miss him. How could I miss someone I didn't know at all? I don't know him. He's a stranger to me. He doesn't even look like the same person. All I see when I look at him anymore are his lies and his addiction. And I feel a sense of resentment towards what I see in him now that burns me up. It makes me sick.

He's going to kill himself. His family is helping him to stay a junkie too. They don't even know it. They bail him out when they said they wouldn't. They let him stay at their home when he is not even welcome. They give him chance after chance after chance hoping that maybe once he will actually change. And I watch him take full advantage of them. They are so blind to his con it's ridiculous. At least I had the courage to finally say enough is enough.

I went by his parents house today to get a few more invitations for the baby shower this weekend. He had just woken up. It was like one. His mom let him sleep in until one. We didn't even say a word to one another. We looked at each other. He acted oblivious to everyone and everything. I saw right through him. He was loaded.

I don't really think he cares anymore about anything. Surely not about us. Not about getting sober. Not about being honest. Not about his daughter. Not about his family. Not about himself. He hasn't even made an effort to try and fix this. He gave up.

If you could see him. You would see that he doesn't care. He puts on a good act when he has to but other than that it's obvious.

I heard him on the phone today. I'm not stupid. I know his little codes now. And he had the balls to just sit there on the phone right in front of me and try and hook up. Wow. Really low.

It's just sad.

I feel sorry for our daughter. She has to grow up with a heroin addict for a father. Hopefully I can find her a real father when the time comes. Someone she can look up to and feel safe with. Someone who will love her unconditionally. Someone the complete opposite of him.

One day he'll wake up and see everything he lost. Or one day he will kill himself and never know what he had. Either way it's a tragedy.

Friday, January 23, 2004

It's over.
I just couldn't do it anymore. Things were getting better. Or so I thought. It's not even the fact that he did it, it's the fact that he lied to me over and over. He looked me straight in the eye and lied to me.
He's right though. Maybe I haven't been trying. Maybe I have been telling myself that I am but in all reality I haven't been. I can't get over it. And I resent him for everything he has done to me and to us.
He sounded like he didn't want us to end but I just couldn't do it anymore. So I told him I loved him and that I cared about him but that I wasn't IN love with him anymore. He was hurt.
But you have no idea what this feels like. I'm so heartbroken right now. I'm so scared. I'm so lost. I do love him. It just wasn't working. And it hasn't been working. And I am pretty sure it never will.
I didn't want this. I so wanted to believe in us and that everything would work it's self out but that's a fools dream. And I have been the fool long enough. I have to start thinking about what is best for our daughter and what is best for me.
Now comes the hard part. Actually staying strong and not giving into him like I do. Now comes the real decisions to be made. Now comes the beginning of the end.

I'm scared.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

I am so confused about everything. One minute I love him like crazy, the next I just wish he would go away and never come back. And it doesn't help that I am pregnant and so full of emotion anyway.
He does kiss me goodbye in the mornings and he tells me he loves me. He does little things that make me smile. And it feels good. But then again he does lots of little things that frustrate the hell out of me. And that doesn't help my confusion about the situation either.
I don't know. We talk tomorrow. I hope things turn out well. Or that at least we feel a bit more sense of direction as far as this marriage is concerned.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Monday, January 12, 2004

I wish I knew how to act around you. After everything I can't seem to feel the same. I really don't know what to do when you are near. Do I smile? Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I scream?
It seems that I always end up angry at something you said or didn't say. Or something you did or didn't do. I feel like I have to constantly remind you that you are going to be a father and that you need to grow up. You really do need to GROW UP. It doesn't matter if you aren't ready because this is your life just as much as it is mine. And whether you are ready or not OUR daughter will be here in 8 weeks.
Tonight I could smell it on you. You think that I couldn't but I could. I'll never forget that smell. So what did I do? I closed myself off from you.
I tried tonight I really did. I know you tried too but sometimes that just isn't enough. I can't afford to not try but I also can't afford to let you fuck up.
Tonight I was just really frustrated with you.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

::Words I have given to others recently::

"Watching a light fade brings to mind thoughts of despair, fear, calm, change and hope. Interesting how something so simple can show you the things you probably never would have seen had it not been for that single gesture.

The world is mysterious place and I love it as much as I hate it."

"Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Life is just one big rollercoaster ride. And sometimes you just want to scream or throw up. But you can't change that. You can either experience the ride for all it's worth or wish that you were somewhere else and end up missing out on everything."

"Sometimes it's easier to give up than to fight. Fighting actually requires strength and courage. It requires drive and desire. And sometimes we just don't feel as though we have it in us to stand up and brave the battle. But even if you stand out this battle in the end you still have to face the war."

Sometimes I wonder where these words and philosophies of mine come from. It appears that because of my words there are a few people out there that actually look up to me as a role model. They come to me for advice. They value my opinions. They tell me I am wise. But I don't feel wise. I just speak what I have learned from my own experiences.
Does learning from life make you wise?
I just can't say. That's a question to ponder.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Life is a scary thing. Always twisting and turning. Always making sure to throw something unexpected your way. It can be a rather frightening thing. Yet somehow it adds an intense feeling of being alive. Feeling all these raw emotions reminds me that I AM ALIVE.
And still there are those people running from the emotions of life because it's too much for them to handle. It's too big and scary. They'd rather hide and numb everything. I'd hate to live life like that. If you can even call that living at all. That would be the nail in my coffin. That would be my last breath.
But this is life. This is my life. And even though I love to feel, yes even the pain, I'm terrified. What's next? And will it all be worth it.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. But what is the best? Who decides what's best? God? Me? The courts? I just feel really confused about certain things right now.
He has court tomorrow. I wonder how that will all pan out. With everything that has happened I don't know what he might do if things don't go exactly as he had hoped. I'm afraid of what he might do. I know him inside and out. Even though his addiction and lies has turned him into someone else I know who he is deep down. The person he has always been. The person I fell in love with so long ago. And I know that in the end that is the person that decides what he does next.
I wish I could make everything right for him but I just can't. It's all up to him. I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice, he's terrified but he wants to change his life around so bad. He just has to find the courage to do it. He needs to see that he CAN do it.
I love him so much. Even though so much has changed between us I still love him to death. I still see a wonerful future ahead of us. We just have to get through this. If we can get through this we can get through anything.
61 more days until my due date. I'm scared. Sometimes I just don't know how in the hell I will be able to be a mom. I wonder if I'll be a good mom. I wonder how to even be a mom. I want to be the best mom for my daughter.
Today at work I was day dreaming about us. I was imagining me with my daughter in the summer. Just a mother daughter day. She's still just a cute little baby. And it's a perfect, beautiful day. So we decide to go up the canyon for nice little picnic. We invite one of our friends who also has a baby girl close to her age. So we all head up to the canyon. We take pictures and play in the water. We see butterflies and birds and an endless field of flowers. It was perfect. And we were so happy. That's what I want. That's what I see when I think of what could be. Something so beautiful and happy. REAL HAPPINESS.
We still have so much we need to do and so much we need to get. I still have to have a baby shower. My mom and I are going to start planning for that tomorrow. We want to have it soon. I feel so rushed.
I wonder what my litle girl is expecting out of life when she is born. I hope I can give her everything she wants and needs. I hope her smiles never end. I hope that one day she can say she had the best life with the best parents. I have so many wonderful hopes for. She can be anything she wants. I only hope I can be the mother she deserves.
This love is endless.