Alive

It's been hard. I finally realized that this is truly going to be a day by day process. Some days I am ok and I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Some days I feel as though I can barely breath. On those days I hold back the tears from staining my cheeks red. I write and I write. My journal is full of everything that's been going on inside me over the past month and a half. I have always kept a journal but it wasn't until now that I actually used it like I have been. A private place to heal.

Tyler's family has been so, so great to me. I am blown away by the love and support they have shown me. Some days Judy and I will just sit and talk for hours. Tyler's little brother, Kyle, looks EXACTLY like Tyler did when we met. He's the same age as Tyler was when we met. It's strange to be around him. I try not to look at Kyle to often because I find myself staring going back to the early days of Tyler and my relationship. And I don't want to weird him out with my dreamy eyed stares.

This experience has shown me who my real friends are. I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. That's the part that hurts the worst. But then again as least I know. I do know that a real friend is NEVER too busy to care. The few friends that I have take the time out to call me up and just say hi. It truly means the world to me.

I need a lifestyle change. This has become so very obvious to me. Just look at all that I have lost in my current lifestyle. My reckless, careless, drug and alcohol induced sorry excuse for a life. I lost two kids, my marriage, my husband, friends, my health, my sanity, my self-worth and self-respect. That is too much. It hasn't been worth it. I do know that I cannot change the past but I CAN learn from this. What a waste it would be if I didn't learn from this experience. My eyes are wide open now.

I wrote this the other day, one of my really hard days:

She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.

I felt that it was a gift from Tyler. I just started writing without even thinking and that was what I saw on the paper.

I'm going to Arizona for Christmas weekend. I need a little bit of a break. I'll be ok it is just going to take time.