Thursday, March 20, 2008

I come from a long line of people (mostly women) who never do anything good or proactive for themselves or their lives. Its hard to break out of that mold. Its hard to step out of line and run away as far and as fast as you can. Its hard to run away even if you are running to what you so desperately want.

I am struggling and at times I think I am failing myself. And if I am failing myself I only have myself to blame. I see the nothing that so many around me do and I hate it. Yet there are days when I look in the mirror and notice that I am barely moving at all. I AM trying though.

Its like an internal war that seems to have no end. Every odd day there's a new battle. Today I'd love to scream and cry and lay in bed. I'd love to step back into the line that I was born into. Thank God there are people that wont let me fall back in. Thank God I wont let myself fall back in, no matter how tempting the thought is.

I cant go back. Not today. Not ever again. So I am going to get dressed. I am going to walk to where I know that I need to be. After that I will let the feeling of knowing that I didnt back down wash over me. And I'll have a little bit more of myself back from the edge.