He has wings now

He has a soul.. free
A place beyond tomorrow
Bigger than today
Yesterday's memory is all I've got
left of him
Or so I thought
until I found a feather on my pillow.

How do I write this? My entire body is trembling and my eyes are swelled up with tears. How do I say that on November 14th 2004 at 10:39 am I watched the great love of my life take his very last breath. Tyler Stillwell Gray is gone. My husband. My best friend. The ultimate love of my life is gone. He went to a place that I cannot even begin to fathom.

He overdosed on heroin Saturday night. I spent the entire night with his mother and father. We sat by his side till the very end. He was a vegetable. The only part of his brain that was still functioning was the part that told him to breath and even that part needed help. He had tubes and wires everywhere. I knew exactly when he left his body. His mother Judy and father Russell and I had just barely walked into the room. He opened his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes of his. Judy and I walked closer to his bed. Judy called out Tyler's name. The nurse came in and we asked her if he could see us. I knew that he could. Then his heart stopped and he left his body.

Judy quickly grabbed my hand rushed us out into the hallway. They worked on him for half an hour. I guess she felt that neither of us could handle it. At that moment when I was crying in her arms I closed my eyes and I saw Tyler. Not the Tyler that was weak and dying in the room next door. But Tyler. His spirit. He was strong and healthy and beautiful. I closed my eyes even tighter hoping to hold onto that vision of him. He walked over to me and gave me a big hug. The kind of hug that he gave me after our first kiss. The kind of hug he gave me after we placed our children in the arms of their parents. The kind of hug he gave me the last time we saw each other. Strong and calm. Beautiful and meaningful. Safe. I felt his arms around me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at Judy crying. We held each other tight and I felt Tyler wrap his arms around Judy and me. I heard him say, and I know he was smiling when he said it, MY GIRLS. I heard him say that. He didn't leave then though. His heart started to beat again.

Judy and I stayed with him through the night. My parents were there for a while but I told them they could leave. They knew there was nothing they could do for me then and that I just needed that time with him. Russell left later. So it was just Judy and me watching over him all night. There was a moment when Judy left the room. I took that time to walk over to him and tell him how much I loved him and that I would always love him. Then I brushed my hand across his face. I wanted to kiss his forehead but I didn't. I knew he was there. I knew he could hear me. I knew it meant a lot to him that I stayed. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The next morning was hard. He was getting weaker. He had pneumonia and his body temperature sky rocketed. One of his lungs had collapsed. Russell arrived around 7 am. The three of us sat with him more. Then the time came. Russell and Judy walked out of the room and talked to the doctor. I just looked up at Tyler with tear filled eyes. I kept telling him how much I loved him. That I always would. I told him that I meant forever and ever when we exchanged rings a little over a year ago. And even though we were going our separate ways the love I had for him was still as deep as it ever was. I put my wedding ring back on then. I have it on still. And I wont take it off until I feel ok without it. Maybe it's a mistake but for me, in these moments that I am living in, it's the world. My forever changed world.

Judy and the nurse came into talk to me. I knew it was coming. The nurse explained to me that there was little hope and that even if by some miracle they could save him he would only ever be a vegetable. I knew that Tyler wouldn't have wanted that. He was the type of person that loved to climb mountains and ski down them. He liked to hike and camp and longboard down the canyon. He loved to write and analyze. He loved conversation and affection. He was an adventurer. He was ready to go home. It was the hardest thing in the world for me. I looked over at him and began to cry. But I could feel Tyler sitting with me. He let me know that it was ok and that he was ready. He gave me the strength and the courage to let go and I said ok.

While they took the tubes from his body I called my mom and let her know what was going on. She said she would be there in a while. I told her not to rush. This was going to be one of the most sacred experiences of my life and I wanted it for myself. She understood that.

I walked back into the room and Judy wrapped her arms around me. Russell stood at the head of the bed. They finished pulling the tubes from his body and Judy turned my head away. She didn't want me to see. She didn't want that to be apart of this for me. The nurses cleaned him up and then left us alone behind a glass door and a curtain. Judy pulled up a chair for me and I sat right next to him. Judy put her arms on my shoulders and stood behind me. The nurses said it could be an hour before he finally passed. I was so afraid when I heard that. Could I last an hour watching him struggle for breath? Judy told him that we loved him. Russell was silent and I knew he was crying. I wondered what he was thinking watching his son dying. I couldn't take my eyes from Tyler though. I tickled his arm just like I had thousands of times before through out these past five years. I know he liked that. I held his hand. I always loved his hands. He liked to watch me examine the beauty in his hands. So strong and beautiful. Gentle and skilled. Warm and full of character. I couldn't say anything. Yet I couldn't help myself from thinking, "I love you Tyler. I love you so much. I have always loved you. I always will love you. I love you Tyler..." Over and over. I KNOW he heard me. I can't explain how but I know that he did. There is no doubt in my head or my heart about that.

His breaths were heavy and hard. They were slowing down. It almost seemed like minutes before he would breath again. Then 15 minutes after they took him off the machines I watched him take his last breath. I saw all that was left in Tyler rise up from his body and drift off. I saw the change and pulled my hand away from him. I was scared. His body tensed up, his lips faded to white, his skin turned blotchy and yellow and then white. Goosebumps up and down his body. I'll never forget that. At that very moment when he took his last breath in this life I felt a pain in my chest, in my heart, that I never knew could exist. It felt as though my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest. That was Tyler taking a piece of me with him. When he left I wanted to scream and freak out. I cried out and buried my head in Judy's stomach. And at that moment when I thought I could break I felt Tyler hug me and say goodbye. I felt a kiss on my cheek and when I looked up to see who was there there was no one. The sun broke through the clouds on that rainy Sunday. It's rays filled up the room and I felt the warmth and beauty of the place that Tyler was going. I knew then that he was ok.

The three of us sat with him. We agreed that he was finally at peace and that his battles were over. I cried and I cried. Even though I know he is in a better place I can't help but miss him. Missing the idea that he was going to move on with his life and find happiness here in this lifetime. Missing knowing that he is somewhere writing a poem or hiking up to find a new view. Missing the future he could have had. Missing his life. Missing him. We stayed with Tyler for a while. I know that we were the three people that he most wanted there at his side and Judy confirmed that to me. The hardest part was walking out of the room. Letting go. I didn't want to and I still don't.

We walked out to see Tyler's girlfriend. I turned away when I first saw her. I couldn't do it just then. But somehow I managed to turn around and give her a hug. Then she said to me through tears, "We both loved him." It's true. We did love him in our own way.

It has been so hard. Harder than I ever thought anything could be. One moment I am numb staring out the window or at the wall the next I am balling my eyes out. You know all the hurt and anger and pain that we caused each other has disappeared. I felt it leave my body and my heart yesterday. We didn't have the best relationship and it wasn't always easy. I mean he screwed with my heart and hurt me worse than anyone ever has but I loved him. And I know that he loved me too. I don't care that when we last saw each other he said it was more of an attachment than love. Last night I read through letters and poems he had written me, my journals and pictures. There was love there. Deep love. You can't fake that sort of thing. He lied when he said it was an attachment. I felt it as I read through it all last night. I know that he is sorry for having said that.

I am flooded with memories and emotions. I am so grateful for the past five years. I am grateful for him entering my life. We have shared so much together. We became best friends. I read a quote once that said, "Love is friendship set on fire." I believe that with all my heart. Our relationship started with friendship and within hours there was love. So many memories. And all the bad have left me. Maybe because I have spent the past few months remembering them that they finally too died. Now all I have is those special moments that no one could ever know about. The words he whispered to me when he thought I was sleeping. The way I would catch him staring at me with a great big smile. The way it felt to be in his arms. The times we comforted each other. His touch. His smell. His smile. The way he felt in my arms. The way we loved each other. Even though I have said at times that I hate him... I never really did. I always loved him. It just hurt so much to love him and not be with him. Just like now. Only now I feel safe in saying I love him.

I thought it was hard trying to move on with my life before he died. Now it feels worse. How do I do this? How do I live and move on knowing that he will never do all that he ever wanted to do in this life? He would have been a wonderful father. He could have done something great with his life. God it hurts so much to know that his life is over.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. My heart aches. Last night as I lay crying in my bed I thought I felt him beside me telling me it was ok. I know he is with me. I have felt him from time to time since yesterday. I realized that this is the time of year that he would have wanted to leave. Fall just before the snow falls. This is his time of year.

I went to The Gray's today. I stood in front of their house and froze. I began to cry. He was never going to be there again. He would never say hi and hug me ever again. He wasn't up in his room. He wasn't downstairs watching The Simpsons or Seinfeld. He wasn't there. My mom helped me to the door. Judy answered. I just lost it and she held me in her arms. She told me that she was so glad that I came by. I gave her some ideas for the funeral services. One was to have a poem of his in the service program. She loved that idea. I gave her the very first poem that he ever wrote for me. She loved it. Then she copied it down. Sarah and Tim might sing at the funeral as well. Tyler always loved to hear Sarah sing. And he loved Tim. Tim, Tyler and I had some really great times together when we all lived in this awful, small basement apartment. Judy said she would talk to Russell about it. Hopefully it works out.

The Gray's have been really great to me. They have welcomed me into their home and into their lives with open arms. I have been apart of their family for so long. And they have never left me out. I love them and I am so grateful for them.

Like Tyler once wrote to me in a letter there will always be pieces of us living on through Sky and Solee. Long after we are gone they will be there and their children and their children. The love we once had is alive and breathing. How wonderful is that? We are lucky.

The funeral is on Friday at 11 am. The viewing will be at 9 am. He is going to be buried in Lehi. I'll have more details later.

The love of my life is gone. I am a widow. I don't know what else to say. Anything else is too personal.

I Love you Tyler.

Rest In Peace
Tyler Stillwell Gray
February 11th, 1982 - November 14th, 2004