I'm a MESS!!!

Today (well yesterday if you look at the time) was the day that we buried my sweetheart into this earth. I slept in his bed last night. I read through some of his things and discovered some sad truths about the past month of his life. If I had only known I would have been there. I know it's ridiculous to dwell on What if's. But I guess this was the way it was meant to be. His time had come. I have feared this day for years. I use to have nightmares about his death and I would stay up all night watching him to make sure that he was still breathing. Now he is with God. I know that must be wonderful for him yet at the same time I can't deny the aching in my heart.

Today I broke down more times than I can count. Seeing him peaceful in his beautiful wooden casket. Saying goodbye and watching the strange man close the casket on him. Hearing his family speak of him during the service. Seeing the friends he loved yet feared would end up just as he. Seeing our love blossom in the hearts of our two wonderfully happy children. His casket being carried by his brothers and cousins to his final resting place. Friends and family showering me with endless hugs. Returning to his grave with his wonderful mother and father and his siblings. I lost it. Without a doubt I lost my mind and my heart. All emotions were set a blaze today.

I am still in shock over this. I can't help but think that he is at home writing a poem. I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I never knew emotions like this even existed and again he is was the one to show me the full depths of my heart.

To be honest I don't know how I feel. If anything I am a mess. I know life goes on but how and when does this occur? I feel so confused about my life. I want to run away from all that I know. I want to pretend that everything is ok. To be honest the thought of cutting sounds so pleasant. The thought of starving myself sounds great. The thought of eating again in a bing and then purging sounds safe. The thought of drowning my sorrows in altered states sounds right. Self-destruction is so familiar to me in times of heartache. Yet this is a pain I have never known before and I have no idea how to deal or pretend to deal with it. I am lost.

Yet in me I feel a sense of freedom. All my fears have been washed clean. I could climb Mt. Everest or jump out of a plane and know that I would be ok. I want to live and do all that he never did. I want to do everything he ever thought I could do. The fear I feel is the fear of feeling emotional heartache.

Tonight I will teach my friend to longboard. Then I will go down the canyon myself in remembrance of him. I know he would like that. I know he would hate that I am drunk. I know that he would understand my desire to escape the burdens of pain though. And I can only pray that he forgives me.

Time.... that is all I have. I have a feeling it will be many years before I meet him again.

I wrote the following poem for him tonight:

I wish I were a
tree
For your soul
could blow through my
Autumn leaves
and bring me to
LIFE
once more.