Life is a scary thing. Always twisting and turning. Always making sure to throw something unexpected your way. It can be a rather frightening thing. Yet somehow it adds an intense feeling of being alive. Feeling all these raw emotions reminds me that I AM ALIVE.
And still there are those people running from the emotions of life because it's too much for them to handle. It's too big and scary. They'd rather hide and numb everything. I'd hate to live life like that. If you can even call that living at all. That would be the nail in my coffin. That would be my last breath.
But this is life. This is my life. And even though I love to feel, yes even the pain, I'm terrified. What's next? And will it all be worth it.
I have to believe that everything will work out for the best. But what is the best? Who decides what's best? God? Me? The courts? I just feel really confused about certain things right now.
He has court tomorrow. I wonder how that will all pan out. With everything that has happened I don't know what he might do if things don't go exactly as he had hoped. I'm afraid of what he might do. I know him inside and out. Even though his addiction and lies has turned him into someone else I know who he is deep down. The person he has always been. The person I fell in love with so long ago. And I know that in the end that is the person that decides what he does next.
I wish I could make everything right for him but I just can't. It's all up to him. I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice, he's terrified but he wants to change his life around so bad. He just has to find the courage to do it. He needs to see that he CAN do it.
I love him so much. Even though so much has changed between us I still love him to death. I still see a wonerful future ahead of us. We just have to get through this. If we can get through this we can get through anything.
61 more days until my due date. I'm scared. Sometimes I just don't know how in the hell I will be able to be a mom. I wonder if I'll be a good mom. I wonder how to even be a mom. I want to be the best mom for my daughter.
Today at work I was day dreaming about us. I was imagining me with my daughter in the summer. Just a mother daughter day. She's still just a cute little baby. And it's a perfect, beautiful day. So we decide to go up the canyon for nice little picnic. We invite one of our friends who also has a baby girl close to her age. So we all head up to the canyon. We take pictures and play in the water. We see butterflies and birds and an endless field of flowers. It was perfect. And we were so happy. That's what I want. That's what I see when I think of what could be. Something so beautiful and happy. REAL HAPPINESS.
We still have so much we need to do and so much we need to get. I still have to have a baby shower. My mom and I are going to start planning for that tomorrow. We want to have it soon. I feel so rushed.
I wonder what my litle girl is expecting out of life when she is born. I hope I can give her everything she wants and needs. I hope her smiles never end. I hope that one day she can say she had the best life with the best parents. I have so many wonderful hopes for. She can be anything she wants. I only hope I can be the mother she deserves.
This love is endless.