Sunday, March 28, 2004

Currently playing: What It Is to Burn by Finch

My life is changing in so many ways. Everything seems to be falling into place. And it's not just my life that has changed I have changed as well. I feel so great. I am happy almost all the time. I feel a constant sense of peace and hope in my heart.
I have decided not to "party" anymore. It doesn't make me feel good about myself at all. It doesn't make me happy. I took down certain posters on my walls and I threw away movies and anything that didn't leave me with an overall good feeling. And yes I have decided to start going back to church. I actually WANT to go to church and surround myself with people who are just as spiritual as I am. I realized that through EVERYTHING the one constant in my life has been God. He has always been there for me. And so have the people in my church. They have supported me and loved me no matter what. I just feel that my time to grow up has finally come. It feels really good. I don't remember ever feeling this happy before.
I went and saw him yesterday. Oh, I love being around him now. He is becoming the person I always knew he could be. I see him twice a week, on Tuesdays and Saturdays. The more time we spend together, with him sober, the more I feel as though I am falling in love with him all over again. I miss him more and more. He is changed in ways he never thought possible. He is sincer in everything he says. There is someone behind those brown eyes of his instead of just a glossy cover. He says what he means and I believe him. He told me I was pretty on Tuesday. I felt all warm inside. I don't remember the last time he said that to me and really meant it. I am sure he has said it plenty of times before when he was loaded but it didn't really mean anything to him or to me. It was his way of manipulating me and I recognize that now. It's just so nice to start out fresh.
I am being cautious though. I know we both are. We are going to be going to marriage counseling when he gets out of rehab. We are both open to any outcome. Above all we just want the other to be happy. I keep thinking that since we are both making these huge changes in our lives and in ourselves that it really might work out for us since we both seem to be headed in the same direction. We could continue this journey together. I pray day in and day out concerning us. I feel good about my decision to give him, US, this second chance. I feel that we both deserve it. Plus he wants to start getting back into our church as well. That was one thing I wasn't willing to compromise on. So it's a good thing he has decided to make that decision as well.
I feel really good about my future. It's an amazing feeling to know without a doubt that I will be ok, no matter what happens.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

I miss her so much. I know that she is happy and loved and safe though. I will cherish the time that I got to spend with her. For those 4 days I was her mother. Now I am her birthmother. She will always be a part of me.
The hurt slowly dulls as a new day arrives. Even though I miss her like crazy I know she is in a good place with a wonderful family and that brings me a glorious sense of peace. I'll be ok it will just take some time. I do wish I could kiss her and hug her and sing to her again.
I've decided to take out all the negative energy in my life. I don't want it anymore. I feel so changed. I am not the same person at all. I have a feeling that even bigger changes are in store for me and I am ok with that.
Spiritually I am on another level and I like it.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I am just so overcome by all these emotions that everything has gone numb. For this moment there are no words.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Right now it is Sunday. This means I am due tomorrow. Honestly, I am getting really scared. I don't know if I am scared of the labor and delivery or the idea of her being here and then going away. It's not like she would be going away to something awful. She just wont be with me anymore. After nine long months she wont be inside me. I just feel so frightened about all of this. And knowing that the chances that he will be there and exerience this with me is slim to none doesn't help either. I don't know what's going on with me. I am just an emotional mess right now.
I am truly scared. And not knowing exactly what I am afraid of makes it all that more intense.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Currently playing: Led Zeppelin by Led Zeppelin

- What is and what should NEVER be - -
So I only have six more days until I am due. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I have the feeling she will be here this weekend though. I am excited and scared and nervous. This is going to be the end of something I held so dear to my heart for so long. But then again I could be wrong. It could be the beginning.
Right now he is in jail. In a way I am kinda glad. This is his chance to get clean before she is born. It is his chance to actually experience this. He will be out Thursday some time. It almost seems like a blessing in disguise. I just hope and pray that when he sees her in his sober state of mind that he will understand and know that there is a beautiful reason to stay sober. There is a reason to live and feel. Actually there are two reasons. Either way I just hope he gets it.
He called me on Sunday. He said that his withdraws were ok at first but then they started to get really bad. He told me that when he stood up to go see the nurse he fainted. Then he ended up having three seizures one right on top of another. Is he trying to kill me or what? That is so damn scary. Fucking heroin!
He then read me a letter he had written. He apologized for all of this. He finally realized that he had to accept responsibility for his actions to be able to move on. He talked about trying to some how work things out between us. He told me how much he loved me and how he wanted us. He said everything I wanted to hear. And that is just it. Did he tell me everything I wanted to hear as part of his deciet or was it sincere? I don't know anymore. And that is awful.
I tried not to cry while I was talking to him. It could be so easy for me to go back to him. Even after all of the hurt and the pain and the lies. Love can be so blind at times. I know that I can't go back though. Somehow I am staying strong. It is damn hard because I still love him so much. That love will always be there. It is apart of who I am now. I can't go back though. As much as I would like to I just can't.
The reality of my life keeps hitting me in waves. Sometimes it feels like it is too much to bear. Sometimes this burden is heavy. I know there has to be a reason for this all. I just wish I knew what that reason was. It would make things so much simpler. But I guess life was never meant to be simple.