She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.


You are gone now. I never really thought things would end like this. I knew that I always had a fear of you falling to sleep and not waking up. That fear came to life as your own life slipped away. My heart aches like never before. Even as I felt like I hated you I always loved you. I wanted you to continue on with your life and find peace. Now I am missing the idea of the life you could have had. I am missing you.

This picture entitled Ophelia speaks volumes to me

Alive

It's been hard. I finally realized that this is truly going to be a day by day process. Some days I am ok and I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Some days I feel as though I can barely breath. On those days I hold back the tears from staining my cheeks red. I write and I write. My journal is full of everything that's been going on inside me over the past month and a half. I have always kept a journal but it wasn't until now that I actually used it like I have been. A private place to heal.

Tyler's family has been so, so great to me. I am blown away by the love and support they have shown me. Some days Judy and I will just sit and talk for hours. Tyler's little brother, Kyle, looks EXACTLY like Tyler did when we met. He's the same age as Tyler was when we met. It's strange to be around him. I try not to look at Kyle to often because I find myself staring going back to the early days of Tyler and my relationship. And I don't want to weird him out with my dreamy eyed stares.

This experience has shown me who my real friends are. I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. That's the part that hurts the worst. But then again as least I know. I do know that a real friend is NEVER too busy to care. The few friends that I have take the time out to call me up and just say hi. It truly means the world to me.

I need a lifestyle change. This has become so very obvious to me. Just look at all that I have lost in my current lifestyle. My reckless, careless, drug and alcohol induced sorry excuse for a life. I lost two kids, my marriage, my husband, friends, my health, my sanity, my self-worth and self-respect. That is too much. It hasn't been worth it. I do know that I cannot change the past but I CAN learn from this. What a waste it would be if I didn't learn from this experience. My eyes are wide open now.

I wrote this the other day, one of my really hard days:

She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.

How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.

The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.

Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.

She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.

I felt that it was a gift from Tyler. I just started writing without even thinking and that was what I saw on the paper.

I'm going to Arizona for Christmas weekend. I need a little bit of a break. I'll be ok it is just going to take time.

Ignore my last two posts. I am just in a really messed up place. I don't know. Everything I feel is so extreme. I have been flipping out on everyone lately. I guess this is grief.

hopeless

I just want to die. I just want to die. I just want to die.

I hate myself and you and I want to die!

I just don't care anymore. I am so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me things get better and to have a positive attitude. I am sick and tired of people telling me they know how I feel when in reality they have no clue. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can save me from this grief. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can share their past grief with me and that somehow that makes me feel less alone. I am just fucking sick of it all.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! You have no idea how I feel or what I am going through. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am choosing to be self-destructive. I am doing this my way. Maybe it's not healthy but I just don't care enough anymore. You don't know the details of my life. You really don't know anything about me. And the pieces that you have seen in me are nothing. I am not the person you think I am. My life has been an endless storm of tragedies and sorrows. Sometimes I wish I could just put it all out there for you to see but I don't know you and I simply don't care to share those secrets anyway. Those of you that TRULY know me don't have to ask or question or judge. It's so easy for you to tell me things get better but it never really does, does it?! It's all a lie. One blow after the other. There is only so much a person can take before they throw up their hands and say FUCK IT! I've reached that point.

I just want to fucking die. Goodbye and fuck you.

Who the hell do I trust now? Everyone I know lies to my face.

This is the rage!

I really despise Melissa now. I have found out some truly fucked up things about her. Things that make me want to kill her. She is a liar. A fake. A desperate whore. A sad little person trying to take away from what Tyler and I had and make it her own. She makes me sick! She pretends to be my friend. Pretends to understand where I am coming from. She tells me all I want to hear so that I will tell her all I feel and all my memories. Then she twists it all up and makes it her own and spreads it like wild fire across this little valley.

Now it is believed that Tyler had a shrine of my poems, letters and pictures as well as poems he had written to her in that bathroom with him when he overdosed. Now it is believed that he didn't overdose on accident but intentionally. Because of something I told that bitch. Something personal I found the night I stayed in Tyler's room. I have found out that she cheated on Tyler every chance she got with his friends. She was actually screwing one of Tyler's best friend's when he overdosed. They wouldn't answer their phones and he knew what was going on. She played it off as though her and Tyler talked all day and blah, blah. She lied in her statement to the police about Tyler beating the crap out of her. She use to get drunk and beat the shit out of him. She gave him two black eyes. His mom confirmed all of this to me today.

I am so upset. I know I shouldn't be because we were seperated but come on. I loved him! And all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. She led me to believe that they were so perfect together. That they were happy. Tyler told me they were happy but in finding things out I now know he was just trying to keep me from worrying about him. He knew that I would. I love him still. I feel him with me all the time.. comforting and protecting me. He was my best friend. Someone I could always turn to. Someone that knew me better than anyone else in this world.

Pisses me off to know that she hurt him like that. Pisses me off to know that she has lied to my face. I want to hurt her. FUCK!