Monday, April 04, 2005

Currently playing: Live at Benaroya Hall by Pearl Jam

- Around the bend -
The truth is I am not. And I am ok with that. I am really, REALLY, REALLY ok with that. My body is suffering the stresses of my emotions. They are falling out and bleeding inward. The tragedies I carry are too big for this body. So in return the endless stories come breaking through the surface. I am thankful that I am not. I know that at first I wanted it. Or at least I thought I wanted it. I know I only wanted the distraction from him.
There is a new friend. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I can talk to him easily. It's not forced. I don't feel that I have to put on a mask for him. I can be myself, even if at this time I don't know exactly who that is anymore. I like not feeling like I have to hide. He makes me want to be a better person. I know I have only talked to him online a few times but he has already had that kind of positive influence on me. He is so nice. He is just so adorable. I think that he would like that we are friends. I know that this new friend is the kind of person he would want me to know. And that is ok. I am glad that this new friend has entered my life now. I can't deny that I do have a slight crush on him. I don't want to rush and get attached to this new friend though. I don't want to chase him away. Maybe we'll only ever be friends. And that is ok. It really is. Making new friends with the same standards and goals for life is what I was looking for. And now I have found one. Or he found me. Anyway...
I was feeling sad earlier. I tried to write him the goodbye letter. I just couldn't do it. Instead I wrote him a short little birthday letter. His mom is going to put it on his grave for me on his birthday next week. I wont be here for his birthday. And I just don't know that I am ready to go back. It is all too much for me right now. I loved him so much. I wonder if he knows that. He has to know that. I miss him. I miss his friendship.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

They all wonder why? Why him? What is so special about him? How do I answer that? I know what I could say but would it ever do him justice? I don't know. The words seem hollow.
The love of my life has set me free. I can breath again. Thank you.