Remember me? How sad I was, how sad I've been. All these years.. so, so, sad. Now two years since HIS death and I am still affected. But I have accepted the excruciating pain of his loss as an everyday part of my life, every day part of me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it is all I have not to scream. And other days it's easy for me to forget what his smile use to mean to me.
I met someone and we bonded. We connected. I felt safe and very happy. He brought me back to life. He brought me back to love. He made me remember my smile. We dated for a year. He was my best friend. He sometimes still is. We ended our relationship because it's what we had to do. No love loss there. It just wasn't mean to be.
Now I've met someone who I feel no shame, no fear, no sadness with. I feel more myself than ever. It's still hard for me to admit such a thing. After so long in loss, so long in pain, the idea of feeling my heat beat again is a death and rebirth in it's own right. The moment I set eyes on him I knew, I just knew, that I would love him like I swore I'd never love anyone again. And what I feel now is nothing close to what I ever felt for HIM. It's new. It's breathtaking and soul shaking. It feels like home.
And though I have learned to love yet again I still find it hard to forgive myself for pulling the plug. For all the hurt I caused and he caused in return. We had a life planned out and somewhere along the way the plan turned to ashes. I find it hard to believe still that I visit him in a cemetery. I might have moved on and learned to live like this. But I'll never be okay with him being gone. Never, never, never.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I am very much so happy with Eric. I love waking up next to him. I love falling asleep in his arms. I love sitting together doing crossword puzzles or cooking dinner. I even enjoy cleaning the room and kitchen for him. I know it's silly but I truly love doing anything with and for him. He makes me so happy.
Even though things are wonderful and I'm in love I am so stressed out. I have yet to get a job and to help out with any bills. I have yet to help save up for us to get out of this place. And it's wearing me down. I know it's wearing Eric down too. It's brought some added stress into our lives. God, I can't wait for things just be ok. For me to have a job and for Eric and I to have our own place with both our cats. Just to be living life and being happy and not stressing out so much about EVERYTHING. Sigh. This is the hard part.. getting to where we want to be.
I should be studying for my GED right now but I am too distracted. I should be working on getting my DL but I am too distracted. I should be apartment and job hunting but I'm tired. I feel like all I do while Eric is at work is look for apartments and jobs all day long. And as of yet nothing has worked out. Ugh. I would work at Blockbuster for now. Even if it was only $6.50 an hour but I have yet to hear back from them. I NEED A JOB! I think once I get a job things will start to get a little easier from there. I hate feeling like a bum. It makes me depressed. It makes me hate to look at myself in the mirror or to talk to anyone.
Anyway, will things ever fully work out for me? Or do I have to pick and choose between health, love, school, work, a nice apartment, etc. etc? It's always one good thing, the rest if shit.