Thursday, February 18, 2010

So my photography vision class has left me lacking inspiration. Today however, we went on a class field trip to Liberty Park. It was very early, very cold and wet... but I loved it! I had lots of fun. Best class so far!

PS click on the picture to see the little white duck.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A negative reaction

I grew up hearing lots of great things from my parents. Things such as "You are beautiful. You can be whatever you want to be. You are such an amazing artist. You can do anything. You are special." And yet for most of my life I have felt the exact opposite of what my parents told me about myself.

As I'm sitting here writing this I realize that I just don't believe in myself at all. And I'm wondering where this feeling came from. Not to place blame and certainly not to avoid accepting personal responsibility for myself but I realize that a lot of the problem I have with myself is a mirror to what I saw growing up. Someone saying to me, "You are beautiful", only later to see that person look at themselves in the mirror with disappointment or telling themselves how "fat" or "ugly" they were. It left me confused and conflicted.

Eric and I were talking about our future children and it scared the shit out of me. How can I possibly be a mother without screwing my kid up? It might take years or even a whole lifetime for me to feel confident enough in myself to be able to reach that point. I do not want to be the parent that tells the kid how wonderful they are and then talk about how awful I am. It just doesn't work!

I love my parents and I know they did the best that they could. I don't hold anything against them. I have just learned a valuable lesson about how much kids truly look up to their parents and the important people in their lives. It's actually kind of frightening.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Today you would have been 28. That's so strange to me. We met about 11 years ago. Now I'm remarried to a great man, we own our first home together and i'm in school. Life is great. It makes me wonder how your life would be right now....

I imagine that you would have grown into a church going man. And that your faith would have helped you keep clean of your addiction. I picture that somewhere along the way you met a beautiful woman that would love you and you her, the way that it was always meant to be. I picture you with a cute little family. I see you as a drug counselor in a youth facility, maybe. You would go skiing and hiking with your little family on the weekends and have Sunday dinner at your parent's place. You and I would be friends. Life would be good.

But today you are spending your 28th birthday somewhere else, away from all of us down on earth that love you. I was going to visit your grave today but as life goes I couldn't make it. I felt you in my heart on my run today. I felt you from the moment I woke up. I miss you and I love you. I hope that where ever you are that your birthday was filled with love....

"until we meet again"