Wednesday, April 14, 2004

I've got so much on my mind these days. One thought pushes to the next leaving the rest behind. I don't know what to do with it all. I'm running in circles trying to situate everything that's going on inside my head. How do I even begin to put this all into words????

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Currently playing: The Rising Tide by Sunny Day Real Estate

Obviously my sleep schedule is totally messed up. My body got so use to staying up all night long because that was when she was awake in me. Now that she is gone staying up until 5 in the morning isn't as fun as it use to be. Actually, I hate it. I am all by myself left to write in my journal and flip through channels. I hate tv. Right now I am wide awake. I don't want to take sleeping pills either because they make me feel so awful when I wake up the next day. I don't know how to get a normal sleep schedule going again. What do I do???
He called tonight. He told me how much he loved the letter I had written him and how it was exactly what he needed to hear. He is so different now. If you knew him before this and you saw him now you wouldn't believe it was the same person. I love the feeling of starting over. The past is the past. It is a part of our history but that is it. We are moving forward together. We finally tore down all the walls and found each other on the other side. Now it's time to hit the road and find something wonderful on this path. I have to say that this whole experience has brought us closer than we ever thought possible.
I guess before now we were both so screwed up. We knew that we loved each other but we didn't know how to love. So we stayed together and we taught ourselves to hide from everything. We were both suffering from the weight of our emotional baggage. Finally, we broke down. It was awful. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was worse than all the baggage I had carried for so long. That I became numb too. This was a new raw wide open wound. And that wound got so infected I thought I would die. But I didn't. Instead I found myself. I healed myself. I changed myself. And he did the same. And in the end we found each other. We found a new appreciation for one another and for our love. This is only the beginning.
I talked to a friend tonight. He told me something rather disturbing about someone I use to consider a good friend. Someone that turned out not to be that great of a friend after all. Someone I haven't thought about in months. What he told me kinda shocked me. The last I heard she was happy and had moved on. Believe it or not somehow I was truly happy for her. And then suddenly out of nowhere he tells me that she is having a really hard time with certain things in her life. As much as I use to despise her I found myself hoping and praying for her to get well and to find happiness. We all deserve that. I really do hope she gets through this hard time alright. After all at one point in time we use to friends... kinda.
So while I was sitting in my room flipping through channels I came across MTV and My Immortal by Evanesence was on. I stopped. And suddenly all the emotions I felt during my pregnancy, during the tragedy of my heart, came flooding back. It opened up my wounds. I couldn't help but break down and cry. That song will forever haunt me. It will forever hit that nerve. One day he will hear that song while I am in the room and he will see exactly what he did to me. And I will hold his hand and tell him I love him. I will tell him I forgive him... I forgave him the moment I saw him hold our daughter for the first time. It's all apart of our history together....
Anyways, I wish I was tired right now. I have to wake up for an appointment tomorrow. And then I go and visit him. Other than my flip flopped sleep schedule things are great. I finally feel 100% content with my life and my love and everything inbetween. I feel safe in my own skin. This is living.