My life is changing in so many ways. Everything seems to be falling into place. And it's not just my life that has changed I have changed as well. I feel so great. I am happy almost all the time. I feel a constant sense of peace and hope in my heart.
I have decided not to "party" anymore. It doesn't make me feel good about myself at all. It doesn't make me happy. I took down certain posters on my walls and I threw away movies and anything that didn't leave me with an overall good feeling. And yes I have decided to start going back to church. I actually WANT to go to church and surround myself with people who are just as spiritual as I am. I realized that through EVERYTHING the one constant in my life has been God. He has always been there for me. And so have the people in my church. They have supported me and loved me no matter what. I just feel that my time to grow up has finally come. It feels really good. I don't remember ever feeling this happy before.
I went and saw him yesterday. Oh, I love being around him now. He is becoming the person I always knew he could be. I see him twice a week, on Tuesdays and Saturdays. The more time we spend together, with him sober, the more I feel as though I am falling in love with him all over again. I miss him more and more. He is changed in ways he never thought possible. He is sincer in everything he says. There is someone behind those brown eyes of his instead of just a glossy cover. He says what he means and I believe him. He told me I was pretty on Tuesday. I felt all warm inside. I don't remember the last time he said that to me and really meant it. I am sure he has said it plenty of times before when he was loaded but it didn't really mean anything to him or to me. It was his way of manipulating me and I recognize that now. It's just so nice to start out fresh.
I am being cautious though. I know we both are. We are going to be going to marriage counseling when he gets out of rehab. We are both open to any outcome. Above all we just want the other to be happy. I keep thinking that since we are both making these huge changes in our lives and in ourselves that it really might work out for us since we both seem to be headed in the same direction. We could continue this journey together. I pray day in and day out concerning us. I feel good about my decision to give him, US, this second chance. I feel that we both deserve it. Plus he wants to start getting back into our church as well. That was one thing I wasn't willing to compromise on. So it's a good thing he has decided to make that decision as well.
I feel really good about my future. It's an amazing feeling to know without a doubt that I will be ok, no matter what happens.
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