I fear life without him. Yet I have to let him go. I can't do this anymore. It's like dying everyday. It's like having my heart broken over and over by him.
I love and loved him so much. Why did it have to come to this? Weren't we important enough?
I guess not because he is gone now. I kicked him out... again. I felt so betrayed. I thought that we were making progress. We talked about what WE wanted for us. We talked about what we wanted for ourselves. We made goals together. We made plans together. We made compromises. And he just throws it all away. Just like it was nothing.
He broke my heart so bad this time. The damage can never be repaired. My entire body began to react to my broken heart. I shook uncontrollably. I felt the hope I had for us leave my body and the shattered pieces of my heart. Everything, love, trust, respect, friendship companionship he took it all. It's gone. It can never be returned.
Yet when I heard his voice on the line I wanted to cry. I wanted him back so badly. I wanted to pretend that everything was and will be ok. And I knew that was a lie and it hurt all over again. I can't pretend anymore.
It's all up to him now. I have done everything in my power to keep us alive, to help him and to have hope for the future.
I have nothing left to give. I have exhausted myself to the point of sickness. My body reacts to my emotions. And I have been so sick and so tired.
I can close my eyes and see him smiling at me the way he use to. The way he use to hold me. The way he use to touch me. The way he would say he loved me. The ways I felt safe with him. My heart yearns for that. I don't know if I will ever feel that again.
I hate that it has come to this. I never wanted this. I know he never wanted this either. He just lost his way. He lost himself. I can't help him anymore. I want to but I can't.
I've missed him so much. The person he use to be. Where did he go? And why wont he come back? He left me here alone with a stranger in his place. I just want HIM. The real him.
I don't want this to end. He was the one that brought us to this though.
Last night I felt confident in us. I felt like things would get better. I felt like we really had a chance. Yet they only got worse. He fucked it up. And he only has himself to blame.
I am tired.
All I ever wanted was love, respect and honesty. Did I really not deserve that? Did we not mean anything to him?
I guess his drugs and his friends have always been his first love. I should have known it would turn out like this.
I'm a fool.