What I Wanted -Jewel-

guess what I wanted was to hear
you'd stay with me always.
I guess what I wanted was to see
those hands vowing never to leave my own.
I guess what I wanted to know was
I am not loving in vain.


Sometimes I do feel as if I am loving in vain. Maybe I am. Maybe I am just a damn fool. I don't quit know anymore.
I do know that I am worn down thin. He says change and then turns around and stays the same. Always the same. He never keeps his promises. Not even the tiny ones. I guess nothing is trivial anymore. That's his fault.
I think he has had it too. I feel him withdrawing from us. I feel him slipping away. Away into what I don't know. I don't really know him anymore. He's the stranger in my heart. Yet I don't even think he's in my heart anymore.
Yesterday I wanted to hold his hand so badly. I felt for the first time in a long time that I needed him. There was nothing though. I don't even think he cared that I was there yesterday. I don't even think he noticed me. We hugged and looked at each other. But there was nothing. I felt sad thinking about it. But I guess it has just come to this point. And I guess the time to do something REAL has come. I'm afraid. I know what I have to do though.
He'll NEVER change. I feel us approaching the end of something that could have been so much more. Maybe down the road he'll see what he had and threw away.
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just feel really sad. All the time I am sad. I wake up holding back tears. I walk around empty. I don't have anything left to give. Everything I had has been used up and thrown out. And I am tired always. I feel as though I am living, or dying, as a 95 year old woman in 21 year old body.
I try to be happy for the life inside me but I know she knows it's fake. I don't want her to know how miserable I am. But she can feel me just as I can feel her. I feel sorry for her. She deserves more than this. I want her to have more than this. And somehow I will find the strength to give her more than this.
I picture myself a year from now NOT married and NOT a mom. I picture myself alone coping with the life I have chosen. Coping with an endlessly broken heart. Doing everything I can to live. Just to breath.
Maybe it will be better but like I have said a million times over I just don't know anymore.
I'm so tired of this life.