I could smell him in our bed. I felt like he was there last night. I felt sad and lonely. I felt confused. My mind was racing. I couldn't sleep.
I woke up his morning. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to interact with anyone. I didn't want to fake a smile. I just wanted to lie in bed all day. Somehow I forced myself out of bed. I tried to put on a fake smile but it just wouldn't come. The air was cold as I walked to the car. Normally I would have shivered and mentioned something about the cold to my mother. I didn't today. I had so many emotions and thoughts running through me on the drive to work. They almost made me feel numb. I managed a half smile for my mom as she dropped me off.
I took a deep breath and entered into the old building. It smelt like mold and dust. A cheerful coworker greeted me with a hello. I was outside myself again. I walked towards the back of the store. I looked around and thought to myself, "I am surrounded by memories that people have donated. I am surrounded by memories of memories." I felt so sad. I felt I couldn't escape the world around me. I wanted so badly to disappear.
All through out the day I tried to leave my emotions and continuous thoughs of my husband and our baby and my life. But they were present always. I wanted to break down and cry a few times. All my worries and stresses began to make me physically ill. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. I had to stick it out. I kept thinking, "We need the money. We need the money."
Towards the end of my shift a lady came up with her little girl. She was a sweet little girl with stawberry blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes. She was no more than a year old. Her mother was just as sweet. She talked to me about shopping for and with her daughter. Then she asked me about my baby. I smiled, A REAL SMILE. She seemed genuinely interested in knowing about the baby growing inside me. We chatted for a bit. And then she said goodbye. I smiled and wished her a good day. Her daughter looked up at me and smiled. I felt like she knew more about me than what I had told her mother. It's strange and amazing how children have that capability.
For the rest of the day I tried to concentrate on the good things. It worked for the most part. My mother came and picked me up. Before we headed home we wandered around in the book section for a while. I have found reading to be something very soothing. It also eases my mind of my troubles. Everything disappears. We ended up buying about 8 or 9 new books. I am looking forward to reading them all.
The drive home was better than the drive to work. I suppose it's the fact that I was going home. Back to the place where I felt safe. Back to the place where I knew people loved and cared for me. Home.
My mom and I chatted about a few things. We talked about books and our journals and how our day had been. I smiled. Then I looked out the window and watched my world passing me by. These images that I see everyday will forever be burnt into my memories. Or maybe they wont. I began to think about the memories that were significant to me. My mom told me a memory she had of me when I was in 1st grade. I liked hearing her tell me stories about our life.
My family went to a church activity tonight. I took a nap. I dreampt of my husband. I have had time to think about him and us away from my work and my family. So many emotions. I realized that as soon as I stepped into our home that I missed him all over again. I have thought of nothing but him.
I read up on his clinic today. It has a pretty good reputation. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder what he has said to the doctors there. I hope this works. I am trying to stay positive.
I know I need to pray more. I feel it in my bones and in my heart. I have so many things that I need to say. I have so many questions. I need the strength. I feel stronger after I pray. I am more in tune with myself and everything around me after I pray. I guess that is what spirituality is all about.
My fears and anger come in waves. Some huge tidal waves tossing me around like a rag doll. Some small waves leaving subtle imprints in the sand of my mind. Either way they are always there waiting for the perfect moment to let themselves be known.
I wish I could shake the magic 8 ball and know the answers to anything I wanted. Nothing is that simple though. I learned that long ago. It would be nice though.
This experience will either break me or make me stronger. It will either tear us apart or bring us closer together. It's all up to us. Nothing worth keeping is easy.
God, do I love him.