The hurt is sinking in deep now. I feel it staining me. I feel it taking over everything.
This morning he sounded so selfish. He made it sound as if he was the one leaving. He made it sound as if WE weren't important to him at all. He made it sound as if his daughter wasn't important at all. All he wanted was to start new and do things with his life. And our daughter and myself were just the dirt road that led him to this point. Now we get left behind with broken hearts. We get left behind with nothing.
It doesn't seem to be affecting him at all. He doesn't even seem sorry about this. He doesn't even care. And that is what makes the hurt so much worse. The fact that I feel as though I am falling apart. I am losing it. I don't know what to do or think or feel. I have a broken heart. I feel as though I am dying and he just doesn't seem to care at all. It makes me wonder if he ever really did give a damn.
I never wanted this. I always hoped and prayed that we would get through this. I thought the love was strong enough. But I was wrong. I wasn't strong enough. He wasn't strong enough. And here we are.
I really did want to spend the rest of my life with him. I felt like this was going to be the hard part. If we could just get through this then everything would be ok. We would be happy. We would be more in love than ever. And all this would have been worth it.
Now I'll never know what could have been. I might have been the one that kicked him out but he was the one that pushed me to this point. We weren't enough for him. He can blame the world all he wants but he knows deep down that it really is his fault. He knows it. I doubt he will ever admit it but we both know it's the truth.
I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to love ever again. I don't know how I will trust ever again. I don't know how I will ever get over this. The damage is endless.
I spent all day in bed thinking and crying. I spent all day trying to forget everything. Trying not to feel. I took a really long nap and when I woke up I started crying. I just wanted to go back to sleep because then I wouldn't have to feel anything.
I don't know what I am going to do now. I feel so lost. I feel so confused about everything. I just want all this to go away.
I don't want to be a single mom. I don't know how or if I will be able to do that. I am so fucking lost right now.
I love him so much but I just can't do it anymore. My heart is broken forever.
I just think about him doing all these things that he wants to do. Him finding someone the complete opposite of me. His life. And then I think about my life. My life with Cadence. And all the things that I want to do but I probably wont be able to do. I think of never falling in love again. Never taking risks.

I am damaged goods now.