Apparently I have alot more on my mind than I originally thought. After my last entry I had a really long talk with my mom. I felt so much better after getting certain things off my chest and out into the open. I love her and I don't know what I would ever do without her. She has been the support keeping me together. Keeping me sane. I could never express how special she is to me.
True things have been really fucked and frustrating but lately they haven't been so bad. Lately I have felt hope and happiness. I remembered my smile. I remembered our plans for the future. I can close my eyes and see us happy and smiling. I can see it so close yet so far. I just keep thinking that there isn't enough time.
All I want is for him to be sober and to know himself again. I want us to be a real couple, like we use to be. I want us to be a family. I know we can do it. I have seen the great potential we have. It's just so hard. And a lot of it is weighing on his shoulders. I don't think he gets that. Or maybe he doesn't and he just doesn't want it to be that way.
I do get angry at him when he fucks up. And maybe sometimes I do over react to his actions or lack there of. But I feel that I have every right. After all, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to save us and now it is his turn. I just want him to try as hard as I have to salvage this. I want to know that this wasn't all in vain.
When we first met I knew he wasn't the happiest person in the world, but then again neither was I. We made it work though. We uplifted each other. We were always there for each other loving one another and never giving up hope for something more for us. We had so many dreams. And all this time I have been the one cheering him on while he was the one dragging himself down into the depths of nothingness. Can you imagine how hard it was for me? I loved/love him so much. I never wanted to see him that way. I never wanted to see him end up like this. And I did everything I possibly could to help him better himself. Yet, there is no stopping a train fast enough.
I guess I feel like I don't get the credit I deserve. After all this time....
And this is why I am so torn. I KNOW without a doubt in my heart that we could be the people that we had always talked about. We can have all the love and happiness we always dreamed of. We can do anything. He just has to try. Because I am here waiting for him to climb this hill with me. And I am genuinely excited for the journey that lies ahead. And I would love nothing more for him to be by my side along the way. But if he is too afraid or if he doesn't want to I wont wait forever. I can't. Not with someone else so precious relying on me.
I'm just waiting for him to show me what he wants. I am waiting for him to prove to me that he can be just as strong. I'm waiting....
I can't wait for much longer though. Time is running out. And that is what he needs to see.
The ball is in his court.