I have a headache. Must be because I am so damn confused about everything. I don't know a damn thing anymore. I don't feel sane. All my sense of sanity is gone. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie.
Things were going great. Then today he showed me where his priorities truly are. Where they have always been with himself, his friends and drugs. If I'm lucky he'll have a day when he remembers us. If I'm really lucky we will even pretend to still be married and in love.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. Everyone keeps giving us this baby stuff. Why though? Because they know what they want us to do. They know what they want me to do. Now I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty for even being alive.
I hate this. I hate my life.
I remember this time last year we were talking about getting married. We really wanted to. That all seems like a joke now. Everything seems so fake.
He doesn't care. I don't care anymore. My heart has been broken so many times it can't break anymore than it already has.
Ten more weeks. We can't do this. I use to think that we could but it's getting closer and I don't think we can. I wake up everyday feeling torn. FUCKING TORN APART. You will never know the feelings I have felt and continue to feel.
I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel like I am going to be a mom. I don't feel anything. I feel like I am nothing. Everyone keeps telling me how blessed I am and blah blah blah. Well I don't fucking feel like it. This is HELL. My life has turned upside down and all anyone cares about is not losing another baby. Well what about me?! Do I want that NO! But I am losing myself here. I am losing IT.
Like they couldn't deal with it. I am so fucking lost. I'm tired. I am just too afraid to step up to the plate.
I just want to die.