Happy Birthday Eric!

Eric and I met when he was 29. Today he is 32. That's cute. We had a sushi party for him on Saturday with friends. Then tonight we had sushi again with some of Eric's family. I roll some pretty mean rolls. I am glad that Eric is in my life. He is my best friend. I love him dearly. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!

The funny thing about having an "ah ha" moment is that right before it hits you feel a bit lost and confused. Today I see things in a completely different light. Today I see myself for who I really am. I am not lesser of a person like I have thought for so long. I wont go into details because the details are a blur. 

Last night I realized that I am happy. I dont need attention from others in order to be myself or to feel ok in my own skin. I have chosen my life's path and while there have been many, many hard times I have no regrets. People can and do talk down to me but they dont take any part of who I am away with them. I love my family and I will always choose them over well, anyone and everyone. I have a good heart. I dont need approval from others. I dont live a life filled with "things". I know how to apologize and mean it. I am not a size 2 but who cares, I like who I have become. I never forget who I am, not even after a few drinks. I am a strong woman and I am continually growing and building a happy, full life for myself. I am a good person.

It feels good to finally, after 26 years, realize these things about myself. I am not perfect and I am obviously human. I cant believe I fooled myself into believing that I was not good enough. What does that even mean, "not good enough"? Good enough for what or for who? Its so stupid. 

I feel really good today. I feel more myself than I ever have before. Thank God for getting into a fight with someone who I always thought was better than me. It really opened my eyes.

What is thought and known

Standing up to someone that has always been thought to be wiser is empowering.... and... painful. My GOD where did age and life really come from???? 

I feel old. Almost 27. I have been thinking about my life on a different level lately. While there have been beautiful things, there have also been awful painful things. I feel very LOST.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKY!

You are 8! And 8 is great. As a matter of fact you are the greatest boy I have ever known. I love you very much. 

Thank you. I love you guys!

I am pretty sure that most people believe that this is a hard time of year for me. For several years it really was. I use to cry so much thinking about THIS very day back in 2004. I could only remember holding Tyler's hand as I watched him slip away. 

Recently I have realized that I have put so much into THIS day, his last day, his last breath rather than his life. Of course I will never forget what happened and how I felt when Tyler died. But it is time for me to move forward with his life and his smile in my heart. 

I would like to share my favorite memory of Tyler and me. 

Tyler and I went went for a hike with our friend Adam on a nice bright sunny day up Provo Canyon. At first it was a simple little hill. But as we kept going the trail got steeper and steeper until finally it leveled out to a huge rock slide. Adam just bounced his way to the top and disappeared back onto the trail. I on the other hand had a very hard time trying to make my way up the rock slide. Tyler kept grabbing my hand and pulling me up to him. Any time I tried on my own I would end up sliding backwards down the hill. 

I started to get tired and frustrated. So I grabbed onto a tree and told Tyler to just go without me and to meet me at the bottom when him and Adam were done. He told me not to give up and that the top was just after the rock slide. I told him to just go. He said ok and then bounced up the rock slide. When he got to the top he smiled at me and waved me up to him. I yelled out no. So he shrugged his shoulders and disappeared onto the trail. 

I felt so silly for giving up so close to the end. And I felt like an idiot clinging onto a tree. So I just went for it. I lunged myself forward and up the rock slide. It was so hard and there were times when I did slide back but in the end I made it. I was so excited that I did it. I walked through some trees and then the trail opened up to a beautiful view of Provo Canyon. Tyler saw me and smiled. He came up to me and gave me a big hug and said, "I knew you could do it. I'm glad that you realized that you could do it too." 

Tyler was such a good person. He had a great heart. He was so adventurous and smart. I miss his friendship. I miss him so much. I know that he is ok and happy where he is now. 

If you would like to read what I wrote the day after Tyler died, you are welcome to. Here is the link: Tyler

If you havent read the book Into The Wild by John Krakauer or seen the movie I just want you to know that it reminds me of Tyler so much. Every time I read the book or watch the movie I think of how Tyler wanted to be free. He was always searching for himself, for peace, for freedom. This is one of the songs from the movie sung by one of Tyler's favorite artists. 

Overall, I am very happy with my life these days. 

Us against them, them against us!

I am so stressed out! Its like everyone wants me to choose a side. Why do I have to choose sides? Why cant I just believe what I believe, stand my ground and not move to either side?

I DID NOT go the SLC protest at Temple Square last night. I posted about it. I had planned on going. Yet in the end I felt that it would be disrespectful to Sky and Solee's religion. I would never, ever cross that line, EVER. I love those kids more than ANYONE, ANYONE, ANYONE and EVERYONE else in this world. I chose to go through LDS Family Services. I chose to place them with an LDS couple. I couldnt and wouldnt be able to attend such an even simply because of those two perfectly beautiful kids.

That being said, I feel so sick that I have been getting text messages, calls and emails from my mormon friends and family and my gay/ gay supportive friends trying to pull me one way or the other. I BELIEVE that equality should be for EVERYONE. I believe that the LDS church has the right to believe and support what it chooses, as well as any other church. 

I have come to realize that I am SPIRITUAL person not a RELIGIOUS person. I believe in a God. I dont see how I could not after everything that has happened in my life. God helped me get through it ALL. But I dont know about the LDS faith as my personal faith or any other religion for that matter. 

This might be surprising to many of you. But this is me. I have grown from, into and continue to grow through my sole faith in a spiritual God. A God that is all loving, compassionate, perfect and wise. A God that loves ALL no matter what. A God that loves YOU and ME and EVERYONE. 

This all breaks my heart. I want peace. And as long as there is this war I will forever stand for BOTH sides because I see beauty and love in both stances. THIS IS ME whether you like it, love it, understand it OR not. My heart is good as God is good.

Have a little FAITH in ME. 

This has taken me all day to write about.

Wendy said that she would love it if I posted some memories about our adoption experience. And since it is National Adoption month and Sky's birth month, I will.

First of all I just want to say that it's not very easy for me to talk about this with people. Most of the new friends that I have now know nothing of Sky and Solee. Not because I dont want people to know such amazing and wonderful kids but because it is so personal and special to me. With that being said...

SKY

I never thought that I would have a baby when I was still just a kid. I actually thought that I would be getting ready for college my senior year of high school not dropping the pregnancy bomb. The surprising thing was that most people when they found out or saw my giant belly were more accepting of the idea of a kid raising a baby than the idea of adoption. I didnt understand it at all.

Obviously teen pregnancy was not a good thing, especially in the LDS thick of Utah County. I was surely gossiped about. Yet, for some reason when I mentioned adoption I was told NO by so many people. Friends told me that I should just keep the baby, marry Tyler and all would be well in the world. So many people were trying to make a decision for me. Everyone else felt that they knew better than me because hey, I was just a kid.

So I started going to see a counselor about helping me to decide for myself and for my baby what would be best. My counselor Tammi was very open and only wanted to hear what I felt and what I wanted. I brought up adoption and she didnt wince or judge me, she simply just said, "ok." Because of her I was able to truly start a conversation about adoption.

I was only 18. Tyler and I had dropped out of school. We were nowhere near prepared to get married or to raise a family. We could barely take care of ourselves. I knew in my heart of hearts that the life inside me deserved so much more than Tyler and I could give at the time. I loved my baby so much. I have never felt love like that ever. So I stuck with it to the very end. I knew it would break my heart to let my baby go but it would be worth it.

Our families took it hard. Everyone thought that we would keep our baby and live happily ever after. I remember when I told my parents. We went to go see the movie The Patriot together. It was all about family and what you would do for you family. When we got home I cried and blurted out that Tyler and I had chosen adoption. I felt like I had let everyone down. But my parents hugged me and told me they loved me. After that things were different. Our families did the best that they could to cope with the "loss" of a new baby in the family.

Tyler and I began the adoption process. We went through LDS Social Services since they had helped provide my counseling. Tyler and I looked through so many couple's profiles. There was one couple that I liked. I told Tyler about them but when we looked at it together we knew they were not right. So we kept on searching. One day we were looking at profiles and Tyler grabbed my arm. I looked at the profile with him. They were perfect! My heart went ablaze. I knew. I just knew it was them.

The couple was so cute. They had two dogs, every kid should grow up with pets. They liked the outdoors like Tyler and I did. They were artistic, liberal, smart and loving. They were who Tyler and I had envisioned ourselves as in the future. And honestly after seeing a Halloween picture they had in their profile of Wendy, the potential adoptive mother, in a cheerleading suit with funny hair and I believe fake teeth, sealed the deal for me. They also had a sense of humor! That's huge to me. I was in love with them. What sealed the deal for Tyler was a picture of them, or one of them, I cant quit remember, skiing. Tyler loved skiing and being in the nature world. To this day I still believe them to be the most perfect parents ever created. I know Tyler would too.

We told our caseworker Tammi that we had chosen the couple. Tyler, me and our baby were sure. No doubt what so ever. She asked us if we were truly sure and how soon we wanted to tell them. We both agreed as soon as possible. She asked if we wanted to wait until the next day and we both said no. We want them to know NOW. She said ok once again.

Even up until the day of our placement everyone thought I would change my mind. But I loved my baby so much that I could and would NEVER change my mind. My baby deserved a beautiful, wonderful life. I knew that wouldnt be possible with me and Tyler or with me alone.

....

More to come later.

We voted and we won!

I cried when Obama won. I was so happy. On the other hand I was very sad about proposition 8.