- One year, six months
I am still breathing. A friend called at the moment I thought the lights would go out. He called me out of my house. I couldn't say no. And I thank God I didn't stay home. That night was great. I felt ok. There was no anxiousness. I didn't feel alone. I didn't get sick at the thought of being out of my house. I didn't get sick at the thought of meeting new people. I felt really good. Peaceful. The horrible darkness I had been feeling slipped away. A friend saved me with his smile.
My thoughts are on him now. I wish they weren't. I don't like to look at my friends this way. I think I am just missing the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of loving. I realized that the only man on this planet that has ever loved me is gone. The only man that has ever looked at me the way a man looks at a woman when he is in awe of her. He is gone forever. And I feel naked in front of the world. The layers of life we built together are stripped down to bruised hearts. I do miss the feeling of being in love. I miss being in love with him. Even though I love him still it's not the same.
I am praying for another chance at life. A new start. A life that can move forward inspite of the huge gapping hole in my heart. I am praying for a new love. Not now but someday. I am praying for the courage to step out on my own. I am praying for the strength to pull myself up from the depths where I lay. I am praying for help because there is NO WAY I can do this on my own.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him. But he disappears before I get the chance to look him in the eyes. He comes to me in dreams. Does he hear me cry for him? Does he see me like this? I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder what he wants for me. Really, what kind of life would he want for me now? I wish I knew. I wish he would come and show me. I wish he could just tell me. I miss his voice.
I really don't get life. I don't know what it's for. Is there really a purpose? I don't know anymore.
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