Currently playing: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

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I fucking hurt. This song is breaking my heart. I listened to it the other night and felt chills up my spine and him near me. Tonight the song is killing me. I am thinking of them together listening to this song. I am hating every moment. I am brought back to the night before his funeral. Reading his journal. The first part about me. The last half about her. Reading the poem he wrote about them together on that first night. Makes me sick. Makes me want to shred up my wrists. Makes me want to scream at him. Makes me want to die. I hate that he was with her. I am so fucking pissed. I feel forgotten. I hate that he felt that we never extended ourselves toward one another over the past five years. And apparently he did with her. I hate it. I fucking hate it. WHY?! I hate this feeling. Feeling like he doesn't care. Like I didn't mean anything to him. And he's gone now. I can't call him up and ask him what the fuck. No, I have to sit here in this heartache and wonder.
I have been missing him like crazy. I have been wanting to be near him. I have not gone a single day without him in my thoughts. I want him back. I want him back in so may ways. I miss him.
My heart is broken. I feel alone. I feel unimportant to him. I feel jealous of him and her. I feel like dying. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to cry always.
I wonder how he feels about me now.
I listen to Pearl Jam. Eddie telling me "no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." Well it hurts to hear those words. Words that pierce my soul. Lyrics that drain it all out. The realization that I am still breathing even though my heart is shattered. Listening to the songs that he use to sing to me. And now I cry. I cry suddenly without warning. Is it him? Is it me? I feel broken down.
I just love him so much and I hurt without him. I am not sure how to do this. How do I move on? How do I smile? It's only been two months. Some days it feel like it's been years. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days I can bear life. Other days I just hate him. And most days I just miss him like crazy.
I don't feel whole anymore.