Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel

- Adrian
I feel it more and more as the days go by. My body is already changing. The signs are EVERYWHERE. I close my eyes and I see the life crystal clear. I find myself searching for answers in all the wrong places. And yet in those wrong places I seem to find what I am looking for. I know that in the right place, in God, the answer will be shown to me. Maybe I am too afraid to know for certain.
I feel that if it is true I will have to finally get my shit together and start living again. I've been in a daze the past two and a half months. I've been allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. If and when this truth is revealed to me I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to move forward. There is no room for these sorrows in the life that waits for me. It is one thing to always carry him in my heart but it's another to let the grief I feel over losing him take my life down.
I also feel that if I get the unexpected answer that I will lose it. I know I will feel sorrow over something I never even had. I will have another reason to cry. Something more to my already broken heart. Something to help push me farther down into this abyss.
I really want it. I didn't think I would. But as time has slowly faded into yesterdays I find myself dreaming of it. I find myself feeling a great sense of hope. I know that I could do it. I already have it planned out. I know that if it was real that things would be ok. I know I would be teriffied at first of what people might say. People that mean so much to me. I am frightened of what they will think. Will they still love me? My insides say yes. Will they understand? I don't know the answer to that question.
I know it would be beautiful. How could a new life be anything else.