Remember me?

Remember me? How sad I was, how sad I've been. All these years.. so, so, sad. Now two years since HIS death and I am still affected. But I have accepted the excruciating pain of his loss as an everyday part of my life, every day part of me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it is all I have not to scream. And other days it's easy for me to forget what his smile use to mean to me.
I met someone and we bonded. We connected. I felt safe and very happy. He brought me back to life. He brought me back to love. He made me remember my smile. We dated for a year. He was my best friend. He sometimes still is. We ended our relationship because it's what we had to do. No love loss there. It just wasn't mean to be.
Now I've met someone who I feel no shame, no fear, no sadness with. I feel more myself than ever. It's still hard for me to admit such a thing. After so long in loss, so long in pain, the idea of feeling my heat beat again is a death and rebirth in it's own right. The moment I set eyes on him I knew, I just knew, that I would love him like I swore I'd never love anyone again. And what I feel now is nothing close to what I ever felt for HIM. It's new. It's breathtaking and soul shaking. It feels like home.
And though I have learned to love yet again I still find it hard to forgive myself for pulling the plug. For all the hurt I caused and he caused in return. We had a life planned out and somewhere along the way the plan turned to ashes. I find it hard to believe still that I visit him in a cemetery. I might have moved on and learned to live like this. But I'll never be okay with him being gone. Never, never, never.

I am very much so happy with Eric. I love waking up next to him. I love falling asleep in his arms. I love sitting together doing crossword puzzles or cooking dinner. I even enjoy cleaning the room and kitchen for him. I know it's silly but I truly love doing anything with and for him. He makes me so happy.

Even though things are wonderful and I'm in love I am so stressed out. I have yet to get a job and to help out with any bills. I have yet to help save up for us to get out of this place. And it's wearing me down. I know it's wearing Eric down too. It's brought some added stress into our lives. God, I can't wait for things just be ok. For me to have a job and for Eric and I to have our own place with both our cats. Just to be living life and being happy and not stressing out so much about EVERYTHING. Sigh. This is the hard part.. getting to where we want to be.

I should be studying for my GED right now but I am too distracted. I should be working on getting my DL but I am too distracted. I should be apartment and job hunting but I'm tired. I feel like all I do while Eric is at work is look for apartments and jobs all day long. And as of yet nothing has worked out. Ugh. I would work at Blockbuster for now. Even if it was only $6.50 an hour but I have yet to hear back from them. I NEED A JOB! I think once I get a job things will start to get a little easier from there. I hate feeling like a bum. It makes me depressed. It makes me hate to look at myself in the mirror or to talk to anyone.

Anyway, will things ever fully work out for me? Or do I have to pick and choose between health, love, school, work, a nice apartment, etc. etc? It's always one good thing, the rest if shit.

I'm so happy. Eric and I are moving in together. We're currently looking for an apartment. I'm excited. I love him. I love being with him. I love everything about him. I feel such a freedom in this relationship that I have never known before. In past relationships I guess I felt obligated to be a specific person. But with Eric I can be myself. And that is the best part of all.

I wish the ex was happy. I wish we could be friends. But for now it just isn't so....

Oh God. I guess I'm linked. That means no more of that sappy, whiney shit anymore. Oh well. It's not good me anyway.

I'm sitting here in a tank and underwear. It's my new favorite thing to do. Just lounge around like this. Who needs clothes anyway?

I want my cake. I want to eat it too. They say I can only have one. I want them both.

I get paid tomorrow/today. This means DP! Finally! I've made up my mind to just go for it. I know it's not good for me. But what the hell isn't in this world anymore?! I need it.

I only wanted love. I thought I was free. But when the time arrived. I held the gun oh so very tightly. I shut my eyes and pulled the trigger. Now it's gone, gone, gone.

My cowards way is the only truth I know. I'm running, running from you. I'm running, running to you. I tried to turn back time. I tried make you disappear. But in the end I wept with nothing but regret. I'm just a stupid girl. With stupid hopes of love. A great gaping wound I show to very few.

What a fool. Oh, what fool. To believe it was ever possible. I opened up and let him in just to forget you. But as soon as the movement began I instantly hurt for you. I'm never forgetting this. An impossible dream that wont ever come close.

My mom asked me if I could clean up the dishes I used last night before I go to work in like 5 minutes. I asked her why and she said that so she didn't have to sit and look at them all day. Because she didn't want to worry about them. My first thoughts were "I'm sorry that you sit and look at dirty dishes all day and worry about them." It's only a pot, plate, fork and knife. But the last thing I want to do before I go to work is do the dishes, even those few. I'll do them when I get home from work. Am I bitch for this? I don't think so. I'm sure she'd be pissed if someone asked her to do the same before she had to work all day. Shiiiiiit.

I'm such a fucking whiner.

Surprise, surprise. I'm drunk again.

I'm such an IDIOT! Never let my gaurd down again. Never let a man disarm me again. Never, never, never.

It is highly possible that I am nervous about seeing Ryan today. Exactly one month ago Ryan said those words that oh so many people dread, "I think we should break up." It's been weird. I'm hoping that this little visit will clear things up with us. Because in all honesty I'm still pretty confused about things. A break, a break up, what? I don't get it.

We're going to see The Walkmen tomorrow night which also happens to be 6/6/06. I think it's pretty ridiculous that people are making such a big deal about it. But I guess if Satan does end up ruling the world I will feel pretty stupid about not taking it seriously. Heh.

I'm having a bit of an "episode" right now. For some reason I almost had a panic attack on my way down to my room after doing the dishes. I decided to take a shower before bed. While in the shower I just broke down and started crying. I hate it. Every second of every minute of these manic attacks I get. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. They wont stop.

I keep thinking of how big a waste my life has been. My mom always says that in therapy they always ask her if she could go back in time with all the knowledge she has now, if she could talk to herself when she was a child what would she say. I started thinking about that and it just made me feel worse. The only thing I could think to say to this little girl is, "There is nothing to look forward to."

Just look at that little girl. She probably thought things would get better for her not worse. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I've always believed that it should have been me that died. I still feel that way. I don't know why I am still here. Every day is a struggle. A continual search for meaning. But there is no meaning. There is never a reason. It's all just bullshit. God, I wish I had the courage to just get it over with. I'm just afraid to find out what happens when you die.

Fuck. I'm trapped here. Trapped in my life, in my body. I just want to disappear.

I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. My alarm clock did not go off at all. Luckily the 15 minute work reminder on my phone woke me up. I enjoy going to work with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I mean come on, who doesn't love that? Some of my co-workers were way too hyped up for it being 6 in the morning. Maybe they have a bit of a meth problem. Probably not but wouldn't that be so fucked up if some of them did? I should take a short nap before I have to go back in at 10.

I love that when I can't sleep I can just call Ryan up and chat with him until I get sleepy. No matter what time we always seem to have something to talk about. I love that about us. But then again what is this "us" buisness anyway? I shouldn't think too much about it. Just let things happen as they may. I guess I worry about losing love again. I worry about one more thing in my life not working out. I worry too much about it all. And that's just the way that I am.

My bed is calling me.

I can't sleep. Season two of Nip/Tuck is on tv. Eh, might as well watch it. I set my alarm clock for 5:15 am. A 6 am work meeting on a sunday? RIDICULOUS! But that's the way that the HD does buisness.

You know he always averts his eyes away from mine. I'm like a ghost in front of him. It intrigues the hell out of me.

I don't know what's going on with our relationship. Is it a relationship? What have we become? This whole thing is hard. I love Ryan. And I know I want to be with him. And I know his reasons for a break are valid. But I just keep feeling as though if he really wanted to be with me he would. Issues or not. Maybe I'm asking too much though. I probably am. I should just let things happen.... I don't know how to do that.

A 75 year old man came into my work tonight. He was having trouble using the pinpad for the credit card. So I helped him along and made a comment about it being picky. The man looked down at me and said, "It's like a woman. You have to touch it in just the right places to get it goin." I threw up a little in my mouth after that. Gross man.

My friend's genuis response to this story:
Haha, did you look to see if that old guy had a wedding ring, he sounds like a thoughtful and astute lover!

I love my friends.

Memorial Day

Tyler,
I miss you so much. Every time I think of you Black by Pearl Jam comes on the radio. We both know why. I love you always.
-me

I'm compulsive on every level. It's not happy thing.

here we go again

Another blog. One, two, three, four. Each contain pieces of me. Some I hope no one I know discover.

I'm sitting here drinking beer from a can with Legends Of The Fall as background noise. I love and hate this movie. It reminds me of Tyler. I hate this beer. Why am I drinking so much these days? A mamosa with dinner, a couple of beers this evening. Drinks this week. Drinks last week. More alcohol than I let on. It scares me. I remember how I use to be. The alcoholic in me is waking up. The "B Girl" is going dormant... for now. At least until I get my hands on some new dp.

I want what I can't have. I fear I am more like my father than I'd like to admit. Shit, the world is in big time trouble if that is true.

This is better than drunk dialing. It's drunk blogging.