I'm having a bit of an "episode" right now. For some reason I almost had a panic attack on my way down to my room after doing the dishes. I decided to take a shower before bed. While in the shower I just broke down and started crying. I hate it. Every second of every minute of these manic attacks I get. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. They wont stop.

I keep thinking of how big a waste my life has been. My mom always says that in therapy they always ask her if she could go back in time with all the knowledge she has now, if she could talk to herself when she was a child what would she say. I started thinking about that and it just made me feel worse. The only thing I could think to say to this little girl is, "There is nothing to look forward to."

Just look at that little girl. She probably thought things would get better for her not worse. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I've always believed that it should have been me that died. I still feel that way. I don't know why I am still here. Every day is a struggle. A continual search for meaning. But there is no meaning. There is never a reason. It's all just bullshit. God, I wish I had the courage to just get it over with. I'm just afraid to find out what happens when you die.

Fuck. I'm trapped here. Trapped in my life, in my body. I just want to disappear.