Remember me?

Remember me? How sad I was, how sad I've been. All these years.. so, so, sad. Now two years since HIS death and I am still affected. But I have accepted the excruciating pain of his loss as an everyday part of my life, every day part of me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it is all I have not to scream. And other days it's easy for me to forget what his smile use to mean to me.
I met someone and we bonded. We connected. I felt safe and very happy. He brought me back to life. He brought me back to love. He made me remember my smile. We dated for a year. He was my best friend. He sometimes still is. We ended our relationship because it's what we had to do. No love loss there. It just wasn't mean to be.
Now I've met someone who I feel no shame, no fear, no sadness with. I feel more myself than ever. It's still hard for me to admit such a thing. After so long in loss, so long in pain, the idea of feeling my heat beat again is a death and rebirth in it's own right. The moment I set eyes on him I knew, I just knew, that I would love him like I swore I'd never love anyone again. And what I feel now is nothing close to what I ever felt for HIM. It's new. It's breathtaking and soul shaking. It feels like home.
And though I have learned to love yet again I still find it hard to forgive myself for pulling the plug. For all the hurt I caused and he caused in return. We had a life planned out and somewhere along the way the plan turned to ashes. I find it hard to believe still that I visit him in a cemetery. I might have moved on and learned to live like this. But I'll never be okay with him being gone. Never, never, never.