As I'm sitting here writing this I realize that I just don't believe in myself at all. And I'm wondering where this feeling came from. Not to place blame and certainly not to avoid accepting personal responsibility for myself but I realize that a lot of the problem I have with myself is a mirror to what I saw growing up. Someone saying to me, "You are beautiful", only later to see that person look at themselves in the mirror with disappointment or telling themselves how "fat" or "ugly" they were. It left me confused and conflicted.
Eric and I were talking about our future children and it scared the shit out of me. How can I possibly be a mother without screwing my kid up? It might take years or even a whole lifetime for me to feel confident enough in myself to be able to reach that point. I do not want to be the parent that tells the kid how wonderful they are and then talk about how awful I am. It just doesn't work!
I love my parents and I know they did the best that they could. I don't hold anything against them. I have just learned a valuable lesson about how much kids truly look up to their parents and the important people in their lives. It's actually kind of frightening.
5 comments:
Hey Daughter,
You should give yourself more credit.
If I could impart anything I've learned in my short life it's that there is no such thing as being ready for anything truly worth doing, and there is definitely no such thing as being normal. There is only acceptance of who you are, and what you are capable of doing and becoming.
This life is about learning, and when you've learned all you can on your own, if you should choose to become a parent, you may find there's so much more to learn. I can promise you however, when you do become a Mother, you will find it was time well spent.
I Love you Juanita, and I am happy you call me your 'Lee".
Dad
all I can say is "I love you" you know the rest...
Juanita,
I think about that a lot as a mom. How I feel about myself will be how my kids feel about themselves. So every time I start feeling negative about me I remember that. It is part of the reason I run and keep trying to go to school, it makes me feel better as a person. You and Eric will be good parents. Yes it is scary, you never know what you will do or say that your kids hold onto! I know Elijah already has plenty of therapy moments and soon Isaac will too. I think you are amazing and you have grown so much since I first met you. I also think we should hang out more, I liked when you came to visit.
I feel the same... and I also see this daily in 221 students that want to be more than their parents but subconsciously they are walking directly down their parent's life paths.
The most positive thing in this blog entry just your ability to SEE and your total AWARENESS!
I think that people no matter wher they are in life do not realize what being ready for a child is until they are there and in it. No matter how hard you try to be a perfect parent it is something that is just not possible. You learn and grow as your children grow. If anything they teach you more about who you are than who you think you are before you have them. I know that my path to parenthood is not that ideal but what I do know is that as long as you have a loving home and never give up on your children then in the end everything will work out. You are going to be an amazing mother one day. You already proved that by what you did for sky and solee. I love you Juanita, don't be so hard on yourself.
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