I want my cake. I want to eat it too. They say I can only have one. I want them both.

I get paid tomorrow/today. This means DP! Finally! I've made up my mind to just go for it. I know it's not good for me. But what the hell isn't in this world anymore?! I need it.

I only wanted love. I thought I was free. But when the time arrived. I held the gun oh so very tightly. I shut my eyes and pulled the trigger. Now it's gone, gone, gone.

My cowards way is the only truth I know. I'm running, running from you. I'm running, running to you. I tried to turn back time. I tried make you disappear. But in the end I wept with nothing but regret. I'm just a stupid girl. With stupid hopes of love. A great gaping wound I show to very few.

What a fool. Oh, what fool. To believe it was ever possible. I opened up and let him in just to forget you. But as soon as the movement began I instantly hurt for you. I'm never forgetting this. An impossible dream that wont ever come close.

My mom asked me if I could clean up the dishes I used last night before I go to work in like 5 minutes. I asked her why and she said that so she didn't have to sit and look at them all day. Because she didn't want to worry about them. My first thoughts were "I'm sorry that you sit and look at dirty dishes all day and worry about them." It's only a pot, plate, fork and knife. But the last thing I want to do before I go to work is do the dishes, even those few. I'll do them when I get home from work. Am I bitch for this? I don't think so. I'm sure she'd be pissed if someone asked her to do the same before she had to work all day. Shiiiiiit.

I'm such a fucking whiner.

Surprise, surprise. I'm drunk again.

I'm such an IDIOT! Never let my gaurd down again. Never let a man disarm me again. Never, never, never.

It is highly possible that I am nervous about seeing Ryan today. Exactly one month ago Ryan said those words that oh so many people dread, "I think we should break up." It's been weird. I'm hoping that this little visit will clear things up with us. Because in all honesty I'm still pretty confused about things. A break, a break up, what? I don't get it.

We're going to see The Walkmen tomorrow night which also happens to be 6/6/06. I think it's pretty ridiculous that people are making such a big deal about it. But I guess if Satan does end up ruling the world I will feel pretty stupid about not taking it seriously. Heh.

I'm having a bit of an "episode" right now. For some reason I almost had a panic attack on my way down to my room after doing the dishes. I decided to take a shower before bed. While in the shower I just broke down and started crying. I hate it. Every second of every minute of these manic attacks I get. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. They wont stop.

I keep thinking of how big a waste my life has been. My mom always says that in therapy they always ask her if she could go back in time with all the knowledge she has now, if she could talk to herself when she was a child what would she say. I started thinking about that and it just made me feel worse. The only thing I could think to say to this little girl is, "There is nothing to look forward to."

Just look at that little girl. She probably thought things would get better for her not worse. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I've always believed that it should have been me that died. I still feel that way. I don't know why I am still here. Every day is a struggle. A continual search for meaning. But there is no meaning. There is never a reason. It's all just bullshit. God, I wish I had the courage to just get it over with. I'm just afraid to find out what happens when you die.

Fuck. I'm trapped here. Trapped in my life, in my body. I just want to disappear.

I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. My alarm clock did not go off at all. Luckily the 15 minute work reminder on my phone woke me up. I enjoy going to work with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I mean come on, who doesn't love that? Some of my co-workers were way too hyped up for it being 6 in the morning. Maybe they have a bit of a meth problem. Probably not but wouldn't that be so fucked up if some of them did? I should take a short nap before I have to go back in at 10.

I love that when I can't sleep I can just call Ryan up and chat with him until I get sleepy. No matter what time we always seem to have something to talk about. I love that about us. But then again what is this "us" buisness anyway? I shouldn't think too much about it. Just let things happen as they may. I guess I worry about losing love again. I worry about one more thing in my life not working out. I worry too much about it all. And that's just the way that I am.

My bed is calling me.

I can't sleep. Season two of Nip/Tuck is on tv. Eh, might as well watch it. I set my alarm clock for 5:15 am. A 6 am work meeting on a sunday? RIDICULOUS! But that's the way that the HD does buisness.

You know he always averts his eyes away from mine. I'm like a ghost in front of him. It intrigues the hell out of me.

I don't know what's going on with our relationship. Is it a relationship? What have we become? This whole thing is hard. I love Ryan. And I know I want to be with him. And I know his reasons for a break are valid. But I just keep feeling as though if he really wanted to be with me he would. Issues or not. Maybe I'm asking too much though. I probably am. I should just let things happen.... I don't know how to do that.

A 75 year old man came into my work tonight. He was having trouble using the pinpad for the credit card. So I helped him along and made a comment about it being picky. The man looked down at me and said, "It's like a woman. You have to touch it in just the right places to get it goin." I threw up a little in my mouth after that. Gross man.

My friend's genuis response to this story:
Haha, did you look to see if that old guy had a wedding ring, he sounds like a thoughtful and astute lover!

I love my friends.