Today I did my very first photo shoot!

Eric's sister Katie asked me to take pics of her and her family. She is due in two weeks! I had lots of fun. Elijah wouldn't sit still but I think I still got some pretty cute pictures with him. I am definitely not a conventional portrait photographer. I cant wait to start school and master my skills. :) 

This is just a preview. 

Look! Elijah is the son in the sun. 

My Shutterfly profile and pics from yesterday when my brother Chris and his wife came for a visit. 

I just want to say....

I love Eric very, very, very much.

Spring in Utah

Body image stuff

For as long as I can remember I have had issues with my body. I have hated my body. I have been jealous of my sisters, friends and anyone that was skinnier than me. And its a constant struggle for me to accept my body as it is. 

Its hard. One day I can feel happy and accepting of my body. Other days I cant even look at myself in the mirror. I hate this struggle. It seems so pointless and petty. 

Lately, I have been very depressed and my self esteem has plummeted. I am getting older and its harder to take care of my body. I live with my young, beautiful sister who everyone adores. And I weight more now than I EVER have before. I think that says a lot considering...

Anyway, today I saw something completely unexpected and it knocked me off my feet. I was looking in the new issue of Glamour magazine and I saw a REAL, beautiful, curvy and healthy woman modeling swimsuits of all things. It was so shocking. But something wonderful happened. It made me feel good about myself. It made me want to just be healthy and happy. And for now it has curbed my desire to be rail thin like every other model, actress or even real life girl. Imagine what the world would be like if this was more of a normal occurrence. 

Here is a picture from the spread. She is beautiful. 

YES! YES! YES!

I am excited! Eric is excited! You should be excited! Oh and that Arcade Fire song is perfect for the trailer. I love the Arcade Fire. 

PS Today is my birthday. 27! YAY!

The hardest person to face is yourself

Here are a few truths about how I use to be. Its true and honest and hard to admit. This is why I need to say it. 

I was lazy for a long time. Somewhere along the way I just got stuck. I got stuck on watching tv all day and playing on the Internet. When I was a kid we never watched tv. We use to run around and play. We had imaginations bigger than the ocean. Maybe it was because tv became so accessible and we got bored. Whatever it was I spent a lot of time in front of the television. I hate that. Its so terrible spending all day and night watching tv or sitting in front of the computer screen. In the end you are just wasting your time watching someone else live. 

Another thing that I have learned is that I use to make excuses for any and everything. And no offense to my family but we ALL have a tendency to make excuses rather than just admit the hard shit. Like, watching tv all day long. I had an excuse for letting myself do that. "I dont feel good today" "It's my day off, so whatever" "My foot hurts I guess I cant go for a walk" 

I never wanted to admit that I actually was lazy and procrastinating my life for no real reason. People say you need to do things in your own time. I think that's true to a point. It really shouldnt have taken me 10 years to get my drivers license or to get my high school diploma. 

I think I use to make myself sick too. I think I made my body feel like it was falling apart so that it appeared that there was a legitimate reason for my laziness and my willingness to make excuses for my life. I think I started to do it so much that I forgot the difference between real pain and sickness and the fake. It's so, so, so easy to get into this pattern. And you know the silly thing about this all is that everyone saw right through me and they let me get away with it. WHY? I dont know. Maybe they felt sorry for me. Either way looking back I can see that it was rather pathetic on my part. 

It's so hard to look at yourself and say, "I really am lazy. I really am making an excuse for not living my life." But now that I have been able to face myself, I can change and I think that I have changed. Obviously I still struggle but now I have the guts to face myself and not let myself fall back into those dangerous patterns. They were deadly because they kept me from living my best life and being the best person that I can be. 

I dare you to truly look at yourself in the mirror today. It will change your life. 

Solee

That top picture is my favorite from when she was born. Look at the perfectly, beautiful expression on her face. She couldnt wait to be with her brother and Malen and Wendy. 

I will be plainly honest here. I feel like the worst person in the world today. I forgot. I forgot Solee's birthday. I forgot Tyler's last month. I have always prided myself on remembering so much. And yet lately I seem to forget more than I can remember. And it makes me feel like I am the worst person ever. 

I dont know how to juggle moving on with remembering who I am. I feel confused. Either way I forgot a day that I never thought I would. And I am hating myself for it. 

Anyway, its not about me. Happy birthday Solee. I love you very much and I am so glad that you have the family that you have. You are amazing!

Some kind of pity party

I have been thinking. I have come to the conclusion that anyone can take a picture. I am feeling rather talentless which seems kind of stupid considering the fact that I spent $900 on a new camera. That being said, I like these two pictures. 

Happy Birthday Tyler!

To be honest, this is terrible of me on so many levels, I forgot today was Tyler's birthday until just now. How is that even possible? How could I forget? I feel awful, really, really awful. 

Anyway, Happy Birthday Stillwell. Today you would have been 27. Thats 10 years since we met. 

I bought a Nikon D80

So far I am in love with it. I am still trying to get to know it better though. Anyway, here are some random test shots with my new camera. Nothing special. Just click on image to enlarge.

My learners permit expires tomorrow. I guess its a good thing that I passed my road test today. Soooo.... after 10 years I am FINALLY getting my drivers license. 

It was really foggy the other day

I just want to be a retro girl

I love Audrey Hepburn and most everything kitschy. I am addicted to ebay and shopping for 40's and 50's style dresses. I just discovered the magic of black liquid liner, cat eyes and lipstick. I like being girly and looking girly. I just found this great blog about vintage hairstyles. Take a look here. 

I am 26 going on 27 and I must say that it has taken me quit some time to pinpoint a personal style. But then again maybe this has been my style all along and I never noticed. Either way I am happy. 

WOW!!!

From a journal entry 1-25-06

"Why do I have this feeling? The feeling that something is right here, right around the corner, right at the front door. Something is there waiting for me to look. Something is waiting for me to take. And this is by no means a small something. This feels very big. I can't quite put it to words. It's just there. I feel it getting closer and closer every day. I feel excited and nervous and scared and thrilled out of my head. When will I know what the hell this thing is? I'm impatient."

I still dont quite know what that something was. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it already happened and I was so distracted that I missed it. I am not sure either way. 

Anyway...

• This year I am going to get my drivers license. 
  
• I am going to go to college. 
  
• I am going to get a better job that makes me feel good about myself. 
  
• I am going to volunteer at the UMFA. 
  
• I am going to start running again, keep running and not let myself stop running. 
  
• I am going to dress up and wear heels more often. 
  
• I am going to cut ties with people that have no place in my life anymore. 
  
• I am going to read, paint, write and take pictures more this year. 
  
• I am going to gain control of my life. 
  
• And I am going to do one huge thing that I otherwise would have been afraid to do. 
  

New Years resolutions are cheesy but this is my life that I am trying to get in order. So lets just say this is a to do list for the year not resolutions. Wish me luck.

December in no particular order