The loves of my life

Seeing them growing up in their own little shoes makes me the happiest person in the whole world. And not a day goes by that I dont recognize that Tyler and I did the right thing placing them with Malen and Wendy. I've been asked before if I had any regrets about placing them for adoption and honest to God, placing them was the best, most important and wonderful decision that I have ever made. I could never, ever regret giving them the chance at the life that they so deserve. You know its so strange that I can talk about Tyler so freely but when it comes to Sky and Solee my natural instinct to protect them kicks in. Anyway, I love them and their happy lives.

I come from a long line of people (mostly women) who never do anything good or proactive for themselves or their lives. Its hard to break out of that mold. Its hard to step out of line and run away as far and as fast as you can. Its hard to run away even if you are running to what you so desperately want.

I am struggling and at times I think I am failing myself. And if I am failing myself I only have myself to blame. I see the nothing that so many around me do and I hate it. Yet there are days when I look in the mirror and notice that I am barely moving at all. I AM trying though.

Its like an internal war that seems to have no end. Every odd day there's a new battle. Today I'd love to scream and cry and lay in bed. I'd love to step back into the line that I was born into. Thank God there are people that wont let me fall back in. Thank God I wont let myself fall back in, no matter how tempting the thought is.

I cant go back. Not today. Not ever again. So I am going to get dressed. I am going to walk to where I know that I need to be. After that I will let the feeling of knowing that I didnt back down wash over me. And I'll have a little bit more of myself back from the edge.

About art stuff

I'm an odd one. I paint and never show my paintings. I take pictures and never develop them. People often ask me to show them my stuff but I blow it off. I hardly have any of my art online. It just feels so weird to put all out there. That being said, I posted my favorite photo and painting any way.

I keep dreaming of selling my art and my photography. Its always on my mind. I didnt sell a painting last year. And while I took tons of pictures I never developed a roll. It makes me feel so sad. Its almost as though I have been denying myself the food and water I so desperately need to live. This year I will make up for that somehow.

Maybe I'll try and get a booth at the arts festival. Steve and his wife are always urging me to paint more so that they can buy more. Maybe I'll take them up on that. I've got my list of people that I can send my photos to, I just need to get them developed.

Where has the creativity gone? Reality television. Books as movies. Movies as books. The same 5 songs on the radio. Every boy and girl looking like every other boy and girl.

Its tragic.

I have a hangover. I dont want to go to work.

I want to scream.

We needed helmets in our old house. The ceiling was too low. Everything was loud. It was like living in a funhouse mirror. Somethings were big, some things were small.

I'm not jealous for the reasons he thinks. God, all today at work I had to hear my and Tyler's wedding song and pretend that everything was fine. 8 fucking hours!!!! Every 20 minutes or so there it was a slap in the face! I wanted to run away so fast.



He has it so easy. Him and his exes/friends/exes/whatever... he's friends with them all. It's not fair. Ryan wont talk to me unless him and his girlfriend are having problems. And Tyler is dead. I know that he says things like, "They are/were idiots...." but I loved them deeply. And I know he's trying to make me feel better but it doesn't. Either I am an idiot that devoted my whole self to idiots, and that brings up thoughts that I could be now. (I know I'm not) Or... Or I'm so forgettable. Or I have given so much of myself to people that were never worth my time.


...But then again, as usual, he could be right. Maybe they are/were idiots. Yeah, like all his exes are/were perfect. Whatever. I'm sick of caring. Why can't it all just go away???!!!!

It takes someone you really love to really hurt you. They know your insides. They know all the right buttons to push. And the next day they can wake up next to you smiling as though feelings were never hurt. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh god! That's all I can say about things I shouldn't talk about.

Rough Hands

I like Alexisisonfire... a lot.

Tuesday is my and Eric's one year anniversary. Cute.

Ho un segreto.

Is it true that all men have a "porn problem"? And if it's true are we as women suppose to just accept it as a fault? Obviously there are women that don't care. But I care. I always have and I am pretty sure that I always will. It makes me feel less of a woman. It's like what Carrie once said in Sex and the City of a man that had no idea what he was doing, "Its like masturbation with a women instead of your hand." That just so happens to be my exact feelings in relation to real life sex and porn. I mean come on now. My ex had a pretty bad porn problem. And that wasn't fun. But then again I think it opened my eyes to the world of men.

I don't know.

Anyway, on to something else that I have been curious about. When someone never really says hi, you get use to them never saying it, right? So what if one day they start saying hi every time they see you? Is it natural to wonder what their motives might be? Or have I become totally cynical and bitchy?

Yesterday was a very fun day. Alan, Chris, Eric and I went to the lake. I love Eric soooo much! Today my shoulders are burnt and I have 15 mosquito bites. But hey, it was worth it. We had so much fun.

Loving someone unconditionally is not always an easy task. There are some people in life that unconditional love comes without struggle, such as a parent or child or pet even. But there are some people that you tell yourself that you will love no matter what... unless this or this or that. But in all you want to love that person no matter what. Actually following through with loving them no matter what is the hardest part of it all.

I'm feeling depressed. I know something that I wish I didn't know. I wish I could go on blissfully oblivious. But I can't. Yet I can't bring myself to say anything either. So I pretend like I don't know. And when all is smiles and laughter I go along with it. But I know. Back in the corner of my mind and in my heart I know. I'm tired.

It's almost a year since Eric and I started dating. Cute, huh.

I love him very much. I feel that I could really be with him... forever. But I wont push. I wont say a word. I don't want him to feel pressured to feel the same way or to rush into anything. I just love him with every fiber of my being. I hope he loves me the same.

Nobody reads this stupid thing anyway. So....

Sometimes I wonder how someone can lie straight to your face. Are they doing it to protect themselves or to protect you? Or is that even relevant? Maybe they don't know they're lying? Heh. Some days I wish that I was naive. But I'm not. And I can't bring myself to let on that I know there is a lie behind someone else's eyes. And so I'm a liar too.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, if anything at all. Just sorting through thoughts rolling around in my head. I suppose.

Wow. I picked a really dumb article to write my first real paper on. How do Eating Disorders and Alcohol Use Disorder Influence Each Other? Yeah, man, LAME! I have to bullshit my way through this one. The article is shit and my rough draft is due tomorrow. But I haven't got anything done for it.

Anyway, It's a billion and one degrees in our house. Eric and I had such a hard time sleeping. I think we've all pretty much had it with this place. There is so much that all of us have to compromise on. The downtown location is great. But everything else sucks. Time to move on. Our lease is up in September. Eric and I are looking for a place for ourselves. I'm so excited. I can't wait until it's just us. It will be so nice. I love that man so much. I can't imagine my life without him.

You know it's so strange how life turns out. For so long I tried to be someone that I wasn't. For Tyler, for my family, for Ryan, for my friends and everyone else in the world. It felt safe not to just be myself because for as long as I can remember I never thought that I was good enough. But know I know just how full of shit I was. Eric has helped me to step outside of myself. He doesn't care that I am not perfect. He just wants me to be happy and he wants me to be the best person that I can be no matter what that means or who that is. And I have to admit I feel so much more free than I ever have before.

Tyler is gone. Countless friends have gone on in life, some in death. Ryan left without really saying goodbye or even looking back. My siblings are scattered. There are times when I feel that I am left behind, left alone. But there is a place inside of me that refuses to believe that I am alone. There is a hope inside of me that has been born. And I can say that with all certainty that I am not alone and more importantly that I am enough.