Friday, March 11, 2005
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Currently playing: Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard
- One year, six months
I am still breathing. A friend called at the moment I thought the lights would go out. He called me out of my house. I couldn't say no. And I thank God I didn't stay home. That night was great. I felt ok. There was no anxiousness. I didn't feel alone. I didn't get sick at the thought of being out of my house. I didn't get sick at the thought of meeting new people. I felt really good. Peaceful. The horrible darkness I had been feeling slipped away. A friend saved me with his smile.
My thoughts are on him now. I wish they weren't. I don't like to look at my friends this way. I think I am just missing the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of loving. I realized that the only man on this planet that has ever loved me is gone. The only man that has ever looked at me the way a man looks at a woman when he is in awe of her. He is gone forever. And I feel naked in front of the world. The layers of life we built together are stripped down to bruised hearts. I do miss the feeling of being in love. I miss being in love with him. Even though I love him still it's not the same.
I am praying for another chance at life. A new start. A life that can move forward inspite of the huge gapping hole in my heart. I am praying for a new love. Not now but someday. I am praying for the courage to step out on my own. I am praying for the strength to pull myself up from the depths where I lay. I am praying for help because there is NO WAY I can do this on my own.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him. But he disappears before I get the chance to look him in the eyes. He comes to me in dreams. Does he hear me cry for him? Does he see me like this? I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder what he wants for me. Really, what kind of life would he want for me now? I wish I knew. I wish he would come and show me. I wish he could just tell me. I miss his voice.
I really don't get life. I don't know what it's for. Is there really a purpose? I don't know anymore.
I am still breathing. A friend called at the moment I thought the lights would go out. He called me out of my house. I couldn't say no. And I thank God I didn't stay home. That night was great. I felt ok. There was no anxiousness. I didn't feel alone. I didn't get sick at the thought of being out of my house. I didn't get sick at the thought of meeting new people. I felt really good. Peaceful. The horrible darkness I had been feeling slipped away. A friend saved me with his smile.
My thoughts are on him now. I wish they weren't. I don't like to look at my friends this way. I think I am just missing the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of loving. I realized that the only man on this planet that has ever loved me is gone. The only man that has ever looked at me the way a man looks at a woman when he is in awe of her. He is gone forever. And I feel naked in front of the world. The layers of life we built together are stripped down to bruised hearts. I do miss the feeling of being in love. I miss being in love with him. Even though I love him still it's not the same.
I am praying for another chance at life. A new start. A life that can move forward inspite of the huge gapping hole in my heart. I am praying for a new love. Not now but someday. I am praying for the courage to step out on my own. I am praying for the strength to pull myself up from the depths where I lay. I am praying for help because there is NO WAY I can do this on my own.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him. But he disappears before I get the chance to look him in the eyes. He comes to me in dreams. Does he hear me cry for him? Does he see me like this? I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder what he wants for me. Really, what kind of life would he want for me now? I wish I knew. I wish he would come and show me. I wish he could just tell me. I miss his voice.
I really don't get life. I don't know what it's for. Is there really a purpose? I don't know anymore.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Currently playing: The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash
- Hurt
Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I swallowed this bottle of sleeping pills? What am I waiting for?
Everyday gets worse and worse. All I want to do is die. I feel my life is nothing but a waste of space, a burden to those around me. I feel that my purpose has been served and now I am nothing. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I feel so fucking alone. REAL emptiness. It's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel and guess what? The light has turned out to be a train rushing to crush every bone in my body.
Nobody can stand to be around me anymore. No one can even look at me. No one wants to talk to me. They run as fast as they can away. They all hate me. They don't want me around anyway. They wouldn't miss me. They don't know me anyway. I don't know myself anymore either. So it's ok if I disappear.
I just want to die. This pain is taking over. I want to be with HIM again. But he had fucking die on me. He had to leave me alone. He had to leave me with yet another broken heart. I'm not alive anymore anyway.
FUCK IT!
Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I swallowed this bottle of sleeping pills? What am I waiting for?
Everyday gets worse and worse. All I want to do is die. I feel my life is nothing but a waste of space, a burden to those around me. I feel that my purpose has been served and now I am nothing. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. I feel so fucking alone. REAL emptiness. It's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel and guess what? The light has turned out to be a train rushing to crush every bone in my body.
Nobody can stand to be around me anymore. No one can even look at me. No one wants to talk to me. They run as fast as they can away. They all hate me. They don't want me around anyway. They wouldn't miss me. They don't know me anyway. I don't know myself anymore either. So it's ok if I disappear.
I just want to die. This pain is taking over. I want to be with HIM again. But he had fucking die on me. He had to leave me alone. He had to leave me with yet another broken heart. I'm not alive anymore anyway.
FUCK IT!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used
- I'm a fake
I am doubting my abilities all over again.
I threw out a pack of smokes last night. Did I really want to? I said no more alcohol. Did I really mean it? I said no more... Did I really believe it?
I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. There are times when I feel so close to something that seems so right but then I fall flat on my face. I wake with scraped knees and a bruised sense of self. I find myself running down empty hallways toward shadows and moonlight sliding down the walls. What is real anyway? Have I been wrong all along? Is this God just a figment of my imagination? I feel the world spinning out of control around me. No stop. No answers. Only questions. Worries. Fear. Screams. I am running, running, running toward something. I just don't know what it is.
I need out. This place is lonely. My heart feel heavy. How do I breath anymore? How am I even alive? I should have died years ago with the many bottles of pills. I should have died when I walked off that cliff in a moment of psychedelic bliss. I should have died in a missed ride home and a car accident. I should have died that night he found me hanging in the closet. I should have died when he broke my heart all these years. I should have died when he died. I should have died. I have no idea why I am here anymore. I don't want this place. I am selfish. I am tired. I just say fuck it. What a waste. What kind of life is this that always wants the lights to go out? I don't remember a time when I wasn't contemplating suicide.
Something is stirring up in me. I can't keep it hidden anymore. Are you prepared for this scream??? Life alter, bone shattering, soul shaking scream....
You don't really know me. But then again neither do I. I'll warn you when I figure out who she is. Because I have a feeling you will need that warning. She can't be anything but trouble.
Wow.
I am doubting my abilities all over again.
I threw out a pack of smokes last night. Did I really want to? I said no more alcohol. Did I really mean it? I said no more... Did I really believe it?
I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. There are times when I feel so close to something that seems so right but then I fall flat on my face. I wake with scraped knees and a bruised sense of self. I find myself running down empty hallways toward shadows and moonlight sliding down the walls. What is real anyway? Have I been wrong all along? Is this God just a figment of my imagination? I feel the world spinning out of control around me. No stop. No answers. Only questions. Worries. Fear. Screams. I am running, running, running toward something. I just don't know what it is.
I need out. This place is lonely. My heart feel heavy. How do I breath anymore? How am I even alive? I should have died years ago with the many bottles of pills. I should have died when I walked off that cliff in a moment of psychedelic bliss. I should have died in a missed ride home and a car accident. I should have died that night he found me hanging in the closet. I should have died when he broke my heart all these years. I should have died when he died. I should have died. I have no idea why I am here anymore. I don't want this place. I am selfish. I am tired. I just say fuck it. What a waste. What kind of life is this that always wants the lights to go out? I don't remember a time when I wasn't contemplating suicide.
Something is stirring up in me. I can't keep it hidden anymore. Are you prepared for this scream??? Life alter, bone shattering, soul shaking scream....
You don't really know me. But then again neither do I. I'll warn you when I figure out who she is. Because I have a feeling you will need that warning. She can't be anything but trouble.
Wow.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel
- Foolish Games
I finally e-mailed L. about the stress of this past month. I wasn't sure when he would get the e-mail. I don't know how often he gets to check his e-mail out there. I was surprised to see that he replied maybe 15 minutes after I sent the e-mail. I guess that is lucky. I probably would have gone crazy waiting for his reply.
I wasn't sure how he would handle the news. I took a deep breath and opened the e-mail. He was gracious, honest and caring. We both felt the same about the whole situation. It was a mistake. A line we never should have crossed. We never really got the chance to talk about things before he left for Thailand. And with his reply he answered so many questions and worries. He showed me just how wonderful a friend he is to me. I felt so much reading his words. I know it must have been hard for him to find the words. After I read the e-mail I just broke down and cried. I cried for so many reasons. But I guess the main reason was because I finally felt that he still did care. He still respected me and our friendship. The past month I have worried that maybe all that was lost. It meant so much to me to feel that again.
A huge weight has been lifted from my soul.
I finally e-mailed L. about the stress of this past month. I wasn't sure when he would get the e-mail. I don't know how often he gets to check his e-mail out there. I was surprised to see that he replied maybe 15 minutes after I sent the e-mail. I guess that is lucky. I probably would have gone crazy waiting for his reply.
I wasn't sure how he would handle the news. I took a deep breath and opened the e-mail. He was gracious, honest and caring. We both felt the same about the whole situation. It was a mistake. A line we never should have crossed. We never really got the chance to talk about things before he left for Thailand. And with his reply he answered so many questions and worries. He showed me just how wonderful a friend he is to me. I felt so much reading his words. I know it must have been hard for him to find the words. After I read the e-mail I just broke down and cried. I cried for so many reasons. But I guess the main reason was because I finally felt that he still did care. He still respected me and our friendship. The past month I have worried that maybe all that was lost. It meant so much to me to feel that again.
A huge weight has been lifted from my soul.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Friday, February 04, 2005
Currently playing: In Love & Death by The Used
- I AM A FUCKING FAKE -
I feel fucking sick! I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I can't do this anymore. Everyday thoughts of suicide come crashing down on me. One good thing is followed by two bad. I hate this. I want to fucking scream!
I feel fucking sick! I need to get out of this place. I need to run away. I can't do this anymore. Everyday thoughts of suicide come crashing down on me. One good thing is followed by two bad. I hate this. I want to fucking scream!
Friday, January 28, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Currently playing: Pieces of You by Jewel
- Adrian
I feel it more and more as the days go by. My body is already changing. The signs are EVERYWHERE. I close my eyes and I see the life crystal clear. I find myself searching for answers in all the wrong places. And yet in those wrong places I seem to find what I am looking for. I know that in the right place, in God, the answer will be shown to me. Maybe I am too afraid to know for certain.
I feel that if it is true I will have to finally get my shit together and start living again. I've been in a daze the past two and a half months. I've been allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. If and when this truth is revealed to me I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to move forward. There is no room for these sorrows in the life that waits for me. It is one thing to always carry him in my heart but it's another to let the grief I feel over losing him take my life down.
I also feel that if I get the unexpected answer that I will lose it. I know I will feel sorrow over something I never even had. I will have another reason to cry. Something more to my already broken heart. Something to help push me farther down into this abyss.
I really want it. I didn't think I would. But as time has slowly faded into yesterdays I find myself dreaming of it. I find myself feeling a great sense of hope. I know that I could do it. I already have it planned out. I know that if it was real that things would be ok. I know I would be teriffied at first of what people might say. People that mean so much to me. I am frightened of what they will think. Will they still love me? My insides say yes. Will they understand? I don't know the answer to that question.
I know it would be beautiful. How could a new life be anything else.
I feel it more and more as the days go by. My body is already changing. The signs are EVERYWHERE. I close my eyes and I see the life crystal clear. I find myself searching for answers in all the wrong places. And yet in those wrong places I seem to find what I am looking for. I know that in the right place, in God, the answer will be shown to me. Maybe I am too afraid to know for certain.
I feel that if it is true I will have to finally get my shit together and start living again. I've been in a daze the past two and a half months. I've been allowing myself to drown in my sorrows. If and when this truth is revealed to me I will have to step up to the plate. I will have to move forward. There is no room for these sorrows in the life that waits for me. It is one thing to always carry him in my heart but it's another to let the grief I feel over losing him take my life down.
I also feel that if I get the unexpected answer that I will lose it. I know I will feel sorrow over something I never even had. I will have another reason to cry. Something more to my already broken heart. Something to help push me farther down into this abyss.
I really want it. I didn't think I would. But as time has slowly faded into yesterdays I find myself dreaming of it. I find myself feeling a great sense of hope. I know that I could do it. I already have it planned out. I know that if it was real that things would be ok. I know I would be teriffied at first of what people might say. People that mean so much to me. I am frightened of what they will think. Will they still love me? My insides say yes. Will they understand? I don't know the answer to that question.
I know it would be beautiful. How could a new life be anything else.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Currently playing: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional
- -
I fucking hurt. This song is breaking my heart. I listened to it the other night and felt chills up my spine and him near me. Tonight the song is killing me. I am thinking of them together listening to this song. I am hating every moment. I am brought back to the night before his funeral. Reading his journal. The first part about me. The last half about her. Reading the poem he wrote about them together on that first night. Makes me sick. Makes me want to shred up my wrists. Makes me want to scream at him. Makes me want to die. I hate that he was with her. I am so fucking pissed. I feel forgotten. I hate that he felt that we never extended ourselves toward one another over the past five years. And apparently he did with her. I hate it. I fucking hate it. WHY?! I hate this feeling. Feeling like he doesn't care. Like I didn't mean anything to him. And he's gone now. I can't call him up and ask him what the fuck. No, I have to sit here in this heartache and wonder.
I have been missing him like crazy. I have been wanting to be near him. I have not gone a single day without him in my thoughts. I want him back. I want him back in so may ways. I miss him.
My heart is broken. I feel alone. I feel unimportant to him. I feel jealous of him and her. I feel like dying. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to cry always.
I wonder how he feels about me now.
I listen to Pearl Jam. Eddie telling me "no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." Well it hurts to hear those words. Words that pierce my soul. Lyrics that drain it all out. The realization that I am still breathing even though my heart is shattered. Listening to the songs that he use to sing to me. And now I cry. I cry suddenly without warning. Is it him? Is it me? I feel broken down.
I just love him so much and I hurt without him. I am not sure how to do this. How do I move on? How do I smile? It's only been two months. Some days it feel like it's been years. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days I can bear life. Other days I just hate him. And most days I just miss him like crazy.
I don't feel whole anymore.
I fucking hurt. This song is breaking my heart. I listened to it the other night and felt chills up my spine and him near me. Tonight the song is killing me. I am thinking of them together listening to this song. I am hating every moment. I am brought back to the night before his funeral. Reading his journal. The first part about me. The last half about her. Reading the poem he wrote about them together on that first night. Makes me sick. Makes me want to shred up my wrists. Makes me want to scream at him. Makes me want to die. I hate that he was with her. I am so fucking pissed. I feel forgotten. I hate that he felt that we never extended ourselves toward one another over the past five years. And apparently he did with her. I hate it. I fucking hate it. WHY?! I hate this feeling. Feeling like he doesn't care. Like I didn't mean anything to him. And he's gone now. I can't call him up and ask him what the fuck. No, I have to sit here in this heartache and wonder.
I have been missing him like crazy. I have been wanting to be near him. I have not gone a single day without him in my thoughts. I want him back. I want him back in so may ways. I miss him.
My heart is broken. I feel alone. I feel unimportant to him. I feel jealous of him and her. I feel like dying. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to cry always.
I wonder how he feels about me now.
I listen to Pearl Jam. Eddie telling me "no matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead." Well it hurts to hear those words. Words that pierce my soul. Lyrics that drain it all out. The realization that I am still breathing even though my heart is shattered. Listening to the songs that he use to sing to me. And now I cry. I cry suddenly without warning. Is it him? Is it me? I feel broken down.
I just love him so much and I hurt without him. I am not sure how to do this. How do I move on? How do I smile? It's only been two months. Some days it feel like it's been years. Other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days I can bear life. Other days I just hate him. And most days I just miss him like crazy.
I don't feel whole anymore.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
I miss him so much. It's been a month and a half. I haven't been doing very well the past week. Christmas. New Years. I brokedown and cried. I brokedown and made myself disappear. I have shamed myself. I wish I would have hugged him more. I wish I was a better wife and friend to him. I have so many regrets. SO many things I wish I would have done differently. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss so much about him. It kills me to know that the heroin finally took him.
GOD I LOVED HIM!
GOD I LOVED HIM!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.
How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.
The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.
Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.
She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.
You are gone now. I never really thought things would end like this. I knew that I always had a fear of you falling to sleep and not waking up. That fear came to life as your own life slipped away. My heart aches like never before. Even as I felt like I hated you I always loved you. I wanted you to continue on with your life and find peace. Now I am missing the idea of the life you could have had. I am missing you.
How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.
The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.
Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.
She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.
You are gone now. I never really thought things would end like this. I knew that I always had a fear of you falling to sleep and not waking up. That fear came to life as your own life slipped away. My heart aches like never before. Even as I felt like I hated you I always loved you. I wanted you to continue on with your life and find peace. Now I am missing the idea of the life you could have had. I am missing you.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Alive
It's been hard. I finally realized that this is truly going to be a day by day process. Some days I am ok and I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Some days I feel as though I can barely breath. On those days I hold back the tears from staining my cheeks red. I write and I write. My journal is full of everything that's been going on inside me over the past month and a half. I have always kept a journal but it wasn't until now that I actually used it like I have been. A private place to heal.
Tyler's family has been so, so great to me. I am blown away by the love and support they have shown me. Some days Judy and I will just sit and talk for hours. Tyler's little brother, Kyle, looks EXACTLY like Tyler did when we met. He's the same age as Tyler was when we met. It's strange to be around him. I try not to look at Kyle to often because I find myself staring going back to the early days of Tyler and my relationship. And I don't want to weird him out with my dreamy eyed stares.
This experience has shown me who my real friends are. I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. That's the part that hurts the worst. But then again as least I know. I do know that a real friend is NEVER too busy to care. The few friends that I have take the time out to call me up and just say hi. It truly means the world to me.
I need a lifestyle change. This has become so very obvious to me. Just look at all that I have lost in my current lifestyle. My reckless, careless, drug and alcohol induced sorry excuse for a life. I lost two kids, my marriage, my husband, friends, my health, my sanity, my self-worth and self-respect. That is too much. It hasn't been worth it. I do know that I cannot change the past but I CAN learn from this. What a waste it would be if I didn't learn from this experience. My eyes are wide open now.
I wrote this the other day, one of my really hard days:
She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.
How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.
The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.
Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.
She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.
I felt that it was a gift from Tyler. I just started writing without even thinking and that was what I saw on the paper.
I'm going to Arizona for Christmas weekend. I need a little bit of a break. I'll be ok it is just going to take time.
Tyler's family has been so, so great to me. I am blown away by the love and support they have shown me. Some days Judy and I will just sit and talk for hours. Tyler's little brother, Kyle, looks EXACTLY like Tyler did when we met. He's the same age as Tyler was when we met. It's strange to be around him. I try not to look at Kyle to often because I find myself staring going back to the early days of Tyler and my relationship. And I don't want to weird him out with my dreamy eyed stares.
This experience has shown me who my real friends are. I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. That's the part that hurts the worst. But then again as least I know. I do know that a real friend is NEVER too busy to care. The few friends that I have take the time out to call me up and just say hi. It truly means the world to me.
I need a lifestyle change. This has become so very obvious to me. Just look at all that I have lost in my current lifestyle. My reckless, careless, drug and alcohol induced sorry excuse for a life. I lost two kids, my marriage, my husband, friends, my health, my sanity, my self-worth and self-respect. That is too much. It hasn't been worth it. I do know that I cannot change the past but I CAN learn from this. What a waste it would be if I didn't learn from this experience. My eyes are wide open now.
I wrote this the other day, one of my really hard days:
She use to watch him sleep. She use to fall into the very depths of emotion just being near him. She fell to pieces watching him slip away. He held the world up for her even as he sank to the bottom. A last breath and she felt him rip the canyons of love she had for him away into his heaven. He was gone. Life suddenly took on new meaning. New ache.
How does she breath knowing his body no longer carries his soul? She searches for him in familiar places and stranger’s faces. Always hoping for him to return to him in dreams and whispers. The silence resonates deeper in her as days turn to weeks. Did he love her as she loved him… in the end? Questions and worry fill up the holes in her heart.
The life he could have lived drives her to live and breath for them both. Sometimes she feels him loving her, comforting her from the dark places she hides. She remembers him not as the hollow boy he allowed himself to become but as the man she always knew that he was. She never gave up on him. Even as he fell and broke her heart time and time again she never gave up. He could have been something wonderful.
Even as she hopes for a life lived for them both she feels fear. The kind of fear that could paralyze her broken heart. Everything she sees, everything she feels, everything she was is forever changed. She knows her life will continue forward but the sadness she feels for what could have been will always remain.
She feels herself rushing towards the day they will meet again. A day she couldn’t comprehend as anything more than GOING HOME. Twenty-two years is not long enough. Twenty-two years is a tragedy. Does he watch her now as she sleeps as she did throughout the years? She can only hope he does. And that’s the way he would want her to stay, ALWAYS HOPEFUL.
I felt that it was a gift from Tyler. I just started writing without even thinking and that was what I saw on the paper.
I'm going to Arizona for Christmas weekend. I need a little bit of a break. I'll be ok it is just going to take time.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
I hate myself and you and I want to die!
I just don't care anymore. I am so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me things get better and to have a positive attitude. I am sick and tired of people telling me they know how I feel when in reality they have no clue. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can save me from this grief. I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can share their past grief with me and that somehow that makes me feel less alone. I am just fucking sick of it all.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! You have no idea how I feel or what I am going through. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am choosing to be self-destructive. I am doing this my way. Maybe it's not healthy but I just don't care enough anymore. You don't know the details of my life. You really don't know anything about me. And the pieces that you have seen in me are nothing. I am not the person you think I am. My life has been an endless storm of tragedies and sorrows. Sometimes I wish I could just put it all out there for you to see but I don't know you and I simply don't care to share those secrets anyway. Those of you that TRULY know me don't have to ask or question or judge. It's so easy for you to tell me things get better but it never really does, does it?! It's all a lie. One blow after the other. There is only so much a person can take before they throw up their hands and say FUCK IT! I've reached that point.
I just want to fucking die. Goodbye and fuck you.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! You have no idea how I feel or what I am going through. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am choosing to be self-destructive. I am doing this my way. Maybe it's not healthy but I just don't care enough anymore. You don't know the details of my life. You really don't know anything about me. And the pieces that you have seen in me are nothing. I am not the person you think I am. My life has been an endless storm of tragedies and sorrows. Sometimes I wish I could just put it all out there for you to see but I don't know you and I simply don't care to share those secrets anyway. Those of you that TRULY know me don't have to ask or question or judge. It's so easy for you to tell me things get better but it never really does, does it?! It's all a lie. One blow after the other. There is only so much a person can take before they throw up their hands and say FUCK IT! I've reached that point.
I just want to fucking die. Goodbye and fuck you.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
This is the rage!
I really despise Melissa now. I have found out some truly fucked up things about her. Things that make me want to kill her. She is a liar. A fake. A desperate whore. A sad little person trying to take away from what Tyler and I had and make it her own. She makes me sick! She pretends to be my friend. Pretends to understand where I am coming from. She tells me all I want to hear so that I will tell her all I feel and all my memories. Then she twists it all up and makes it her own and spreads it like wild fire across this little valley.
Now it is believed that Tyler had a shrine of my poems, letters and pictures as well as poems he had written to her in that bathroom with him when he overdosed. Now it is believed that he didn't overdose on accident but intentionally. Because of something I told that bitch. Something personal I found the night I stayed in Tyler's room. I have found out that she cheated on Tyler every chance she got with his friends. She was actually screwing one of Tyler's best friend's when he overdosed. They wouldn't answer their phones and he knew what was going on. She played it off as though her and Tyler talked all day and blah, blah. She lied in her statement to the police about Tyler beating the crap out of her. She use to get drunk and beat the shit out of him. She gave him two black eyes. His mom confirmed all of this to me today.
I am so upset. I know I shouldn't be because we were seperated but come on. I loved him! And all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. She led me to believe that they were so perfect together. That they were happy. Tyler told me they were happy but in finding things out I now know he was just trying to keep me from worrying about him. He knew that I would. I love him still. I feel him with me all the time.. comforting and protecting me. He was my best friend. Someone I could always turn to. Someone that knew me better than anyone else in this world.
Pisses me off to know that she hurt him like that. Pisses me off to know that she has lied to my face. I want to hurt her. FUCK!
Now it is believed that Tyler had a shrine of my poems, letters and pictures as well as poems he had written to her in that bathroom with him when he overdosed. Now it is believed that he didn't overdose on accident but intentionally. Because of something I told that bitch. Something personal I found the night I stayed in Tyler's room. I have found out that she cheated on Tyler every chance she got with his friends. She was actually screwing one of Tyler's best friend's when he overdosed. They wouldn't answer their phones and he knew what was going on. She played it off as though her and Tyler talked all day and blah, blah. She lied in her statement to the police about Tyler beating the crap out of her. She use to get drunk and beat the shit out of him. She gave him two black eyes. His mom confirmed all of this to me today.
I am so upset. I know I shouldn't be because we were seperated but come on. I loved him! And all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. She led me to believe that they were so perfect together. That they were happy. Tyler told me they were happy but in finding things out I now know he was just trying to keep me from worrying about him. He knew that I would. I love him still. I feel him with me all the time.. comforting and protecting me. He was my best friend. Someone I could always turn to. Someone that knew me better than anyone else in this world.
Pisses me off to know that she hurt him like that. Pisses me off to know that she has lied to my face. I want to hurt her. FUCK!
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
So you wanna know how I am? The answer is simple... not good.
It's really starting to hit me that he is gone. There are memory triggers everywhere. I can't stop crying. I have had two dreams with him in them. One, he was warning and protecting me against false friends. I still don't know who those friends are. The one last night he was reassuring me that he did love me and that I meant a lot to him, even in the end. I woke up happy and then I got really, really depressed. He is still gone.
I am moving out of my apartment tonight and into my mom's. I think about going to work and then I flip out.
I am a mess.
I love him so, so much.
It's really starting to hit me that he is gone. There are memory triggers everywhere. I can't stop crying. I have had two dreams with him in them. One, he was warning and protecting me against false friends. I still don't know who those friends are. The one last night he was reassuring me that he did love me and that I meant a lot to him, even in the end. I woke up happy and then I got really, really depressed. He is still gone.
I am moving out of my apartment tonight and into my mom's. I think about going to work and then I flip out.
I am a mess.
I love him so, so much.
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