I'm so happy. Eric and I are moving in together. We're currently looking for an apartment. I'm excited. I love him. I love being with him. I love everything about him. I feel such a freedom in this relationship that I have never known before. In past relationships I guess I felt obligated to be a specific person. But with Eric I can be myself. And that is the best part of all.

I wish the ex was happy. I wish we could be friends. But for now it just isn't so....

Oh God. I guess I'm linked. That means no more of that sappy, whiney shit anymore. Oh well. It's not good me anyway.

I'm sitting here in a tank and underwear. It's my new favorite thing to do. Just lounge around like this. Who needs clothes anyway?

I want my cake. I want to eat it too. They say I can only have one. I want them both.

I get paid tomorrow/today. This means DP! Finally! I've made up my mind to just go for it. I know it's not good for me. But what the hell isn't in this world anymore?! I need it.

I only wanted love. I thought I was free. But when the time arrived. I held the gun oh so very tightly. I shut my eyes and pulled the trigger. Now it's gone, gone, gone.

My cowards way is the only truth I know. I'm running, running from you. I'm running, running to you. I tried to turn back time. I tried make you disappear. But in the end I wept with nothing but regret. I'm just a stupid girl. With stupid hopes of love. A great gaping wound I show to very few.

What a fool. Oh, what fool. To believe it was ever possible. I opened up and let him in just to forget you. But as soon as the movement began I instantly hurt for you. I'm never forgetting this. An impossible dream that wont ever come close.

My mom asked me if I could clean up the dishes I used last night before I go to work in like 5 minutes. I asked her why and she said that so she didn't have to sit and look at them all day. Because she didn't want to worry about them. My first thoughts were "I'm sorry that you sit and look at dirty dishes all day and worry about them." It's only a pot, plate, fork and knife. But the last thing I want to do before I go to work is do the dishes, even those few. I'll do them when I get home from work. Am I bitch for this? I don't think so. I'm sure she'd be pissed if someone asked her to do the same before she had to work all day. Shiiiiiit.

I'm such a fucking whiner.

Surprise, surprise. I'm drunk again.

I'm such an IDIOT! Never let my gaurd down again. Never let a man disarm me again. Never, never, never.

It is highly possible that I am nervous about seeing Ryan today. Exactly one month ago Ryan said those words that oh so many people dread, "I think we should break up." It's been weird. I'm hoping that this little visit will clear things up with us. Because in all honesty I'm still pretty confused about things. A break, a break up, what? I don't get it.

We're going to see The Walkmen tomorrow night which also happens to be 6/6/06. I think it's pretty ridiculous that people are making such a big deal about it. But I guess if Satan does end up ruling the world I will feel pretty stupid about not taking it seriously. Heh.

I'm having a bit of an "episode" right now. For some reason I almost had a panic attack on my way down to my room after doing the dishes. I decided to take a shower before bed. While in the shower I just broke down and started crying. I hate it. Every second of every minute of these manic attacks I get. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. They wont stop.

I keep thinking of how big a waste my life has been. My mom always says that in therapy they always ask her if she could go back in time with all the knowledge she has now, if she could talk to herself when she was a child what would she say. I started thinking about that and it just made me feel worse. The only thing I could think to say to this little girl is, "There is nothing to look forward to."

Just look at that little girl. She probably thought things would get better for her not worse. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I've always believed that it should have been me that died. I still feel that way. I don't know why I am still here. Every day is a struggle. A continual search for meaning. But there is no meaning. There is never a reason. It's all just bullshit. God, I wish I had the courage to just get it over with. I'm just afraid to find out what happens when you die.

Fuck. I'm trapped here. Trapped in my life, in my body. I just want to disappear.

I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. My alarm clock did not go off at all. Luckily the 15 minute work reminder on my phone woke me up. I enjoy going to work with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I mean come on, who doesn't love that? Some of my co-workers were way too hyped up for it being 6 in the morning. Maybe they have a bit of a meth problem. Probably not but wouldn't that be so fucked up if some of them did? I should take a short nap before I have to go back in at 10.

I love that when I can't sleep I can just call Ryan up and chat with him until I get sleepy. No matter what time we always seem to have something to talk about. I love that about us. But then again what is this "us" buisness anyway? I shouldn't think too much about it. Just let things happen as they may. I guess I worry about losing love again. I worry about one more thing in my life not working out. I worry too much about it all. And that's just the way that I am.

My bed is calling me.

I can't sleep. Season two of Nip/Tuck is on tv. Eh, might as well watch it. I set my alarm clock for 5:15 am. A 6 am work meeting on a sunday? RIDICULOUS! But that's the way that the HD does buisness.

You know he always averts his eyes away from mine. I'm like a ghost in front of him. It intrigues the hell out of me.

I don't know what's going on with our relationship. Is it a relationship? What have we become? This whole thing is hard. I love Ryan. And I know I want to be with him. And I know his reasons for a break are valid. But I just keep feeling as though if he really wanted to be with me he would. Issues or not. Maybe I'm asking too much though. I probably am. I should just let things happen.... I don't know how to do that.

A 75 year old man came into my work tonight. He was having trouble using the pinpad for the credit card. So I helped him along and made a comment about it being picky. The man looked down at me and said, "It's like a woman. You have to touch it in just the right places to get it goin." I threw up a little in my mouth after that. Gross man.

My friend's genuis response to this story:
Haha, did you look to see if that old guy had a wedding ring, he sounds like a thoughtful and astute lover!

I love my friends.

Memorial Day

Tyler,
I miss you so much. Every time I think of you Black by Pearl Jam comes on the radio. We both know why. I love you always.
-me

I'm compulsive on every level. It's not happy thing.

here we go again

Another blog. One, two, three, four. Each contain pieces of me. Some I hope no one I know discover.

I'm sitting here drinking beer from a can with Legends Of The Fall as background noise. I love and hate this movie. It reminds me of Tyler. I hate this beer. Why am I drinking so much these days? A mamosa with dinner, a couple of beers this evening. Drinks this week. Drinks last week. More alcohol than I let on. It scares me. I remember how I use to be. The alcoholic in me is waking up. The "B Girl" is going dormant... for now. At least until I get my hands on some new dp.

I want what I can't have. I fear I am more like my father than I'd like to admit. Shit, the world is in big time trouble if that is true.

This is better than drunk dialing. It's drunk blogging.

To be in love again. To feel. To know what it is to live. To walk away from past heartaches. To have the wind lift me up and carry me toward a new light.
I am beyond happy.

Wow. Things have finally turned around.Life is beautiful. I am so happy.

Currently playing: Live at Benaroya Hall by Pearl Jam

- Around the bend -
The truth is I am not. And I am ok with that. I am really, REALLY, REALLY ok with that. My body is suffering the stresses of my emotions. They are falling out and bleeding inward. The tragedies I carry are too big for this body. So in return the endless stories come breaking through the surface. I am thankful that I am not. I know that at first I wanted it. Or at least I thought I wanted it. I know I only wanted the distraction from him.
There is a new friend. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I can talk to him easily. It's not forced. I don't feel that I have to put on a mask for him. I can be myself, even if at this time I don't know exactly who that is anymore. I like not feeling like I have to hide. He makes me want to be a better person. I know I have only talked to him online a few times but he has already had that kind of positive influence on me. He is so nice. He is just so adorable. I think that he would like that we are friends. I know that this new friend is the kind of person he would want me to know. And that is ok. I am glad that this new friend has entered my life now. I can't deny that I do have a slight crush on him. I don't want to rush and get attached to this new friend though. I don't want to chase him away. Maybe we'll only ever be friends. And that is ok. It really is. Making new friends with the same standards and goals for life is what I was looking for. And now I have found one. Or he found me. Anyway...
I was feeling sad earlier. I tried to write him the goodbye letter. I just couldn't do it. Instead I wrote him a short little birthday letter. His mom is going to put it on his grave for me on his birthday next week. I wont be here for his birthday. And I just don't know that I am ready to go back. It is all too much for me right now. I loved him so much. I wonder if he knows that. He has to know that. I miss him. I miss his friendship.

They all wonder why? Why him? What is so special about him? How do I answer that? I know what I could say but would it ever do him justice? I don't know. The words seem hollow.
The love of my life has set me free. I can breath again. Thank you.