Summer time update

I love having a garden. It makes me happy.

For love of the garden

I love having a garden. It has gotten so big. Its actually about five times bigger than that last picture. It's so weird. Eric and I will both stand outside and just look at it. We are already planning our set up for next year. This was our first try and it's current setup is kind of off. Its a learning process though. And I think that we have done pretty good so far. Next year our garden will be better.

PS make sure to click on the top picture of the dragonfly. It is so pretty. You can really see it's detail in the larger format.

Why is it that anyone with a fancy camera is suddenly considered a "really good photographer"? I hate to sound like a brat but I know SOOOOOooooo, many people that walk around calling themselves photographers because of the huge piece of equipment they have dangling from their neck. When in reality anyone can take the pictures they take and most people do!

True talent is so hard to find. And when you see something beautiful and extraordinary you feel it down to your bones. I also know photographers like this. And they amaze and impress me to no end. As a matter of fact I envy them.

Anyway, just something that has been on my mind lately. Oh, and just as a side note I am too much of a coward to really do anything about any talent that I might have. So who am I to complain anyway?

You Are Mulan!

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?


Honestly, I took the quiz a couple of times because in almost every question there were always two answers that I wanted to choose. So I guess I'm a little bit of both.


You Are Pocahantas!

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

I'm just exhausted.

I'm a crybaby. I get it from my mom. And truth be told I love her for it! When I saw this first video a while ago I cried. I cry every time that I see it. I think that it's beautiful. It reminds me that I have an amazing mother and Lee that would have done the same thing for me time and time again. They have done the same thing time and time again.







PS I searched and searched for the videos on the web. And when I found them I showed them to Eric and he cried too. This is one reason why I love him.

Last night was fun. Eric and I went for a late night bike ride. We lit some fireworks. We camped out on our back porch. We drank a little too much. We attempted to watch a movie outside but I passed out before it finished. Anyway, it was so much fun. We are going to do it again tonight.

I feel better today.

There is a slight chance that I may in fact have a nervous, emotional, breakdown very, very soon.

I am NOT a product of my environment. No, no, no! I came from a shitty place on one side and a good place on the other. But I am neither good nor bad. I am me. I get to choose my own decisions and follow through... or not.

However, I know that some of us in this family choose to think that they are who they are because of where they/we came from. They are idiots for thinking so. Life can affect us in many ways but ultimately it is US who gets to decide if what has happened will mold who we are or just be a bump in the road.

I love my family very much. I love my siblings like there is no tomorrow. But sometimes I would love to smack the shit out of, no, smack some sense into them. Yes, we love who love. We love how we love. But having a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife is not all there is to life. And living your life around someone else is foolish because in the end.... well if you live your life for someone else no one will live your life for YOU. The life that is meant to be yours will pass you by.

Anyway, I am very upset right now. Trust me that is an understatement. And now I am choosing to get drunk and trying to forget all this shit for just a little while.

PS we havent seen the black widow spider since I posted that picture of it. Tragic.

Because I work in a bookstore people often ask me what my favorite book is. Honestly, at this point I dont have one. But here is what I have discovered about myself since working at Barnes and Noble, I really enjoy reading biographies, kids books and books that have been turned into movies. Of course I do read other books but most of the time it feels more like a chore than a leisurely activity.

I'm currently reading the Harry Potter series. I'm on book 4 now. I like it. It wasnt until the 7th and final book came out that I really became interested in reading it. I worked the midnight release party and saw how excited EVERYONE was. There were people that were crying. It was amazing. I had obviously seen the movies and had resolved that I would eventually read the books. But after the release of the 7th book my desire to read the book became very strong.

So I read the 1st and the 2nd. Then I stopped. To me they were pretty much like the movies. So I sorta lost interest for a while. But then out of the blue I bought the 3rd book and started reading again. Yeah man, that was the one that got me hooked again. I read whenever I had free time. Now I'm on the 4th book. I'm about a quarter of the way through it and I cant stop reading it.

Anyway, I do like books. Just not the typical fiction, romance, mystery, scifi stuff. At least not now. Kids books keep me young. Biographies remind me that everyone really does have their own story to tell. And books that have been turned into movies are fun to compare and contrast.

The SLC arts Festival.... I am feeling quite depressed.... I just want to get drunk and forget the life that I've had... Honestly, I am so stressed out, scared, depressed and pissed that I almost dont know what to do with myself.

Whatever.

There are things...

I'm afraid to be a mother some day. I honestly dont know if I could be a mother, aside from a birthmother that is. I mean I dont have to RAISE my children to be good, honest, lovely people. Nope, I get to watch someone else attempt this challenge. So the guilt, hurt, frustration, etc. doesnt haven't have to fall on me. I'm a coward. I am not ready to be a mother at all! And I wont be for who knows how long.

I know that my mother did the best that she could. And when ANYONE disputes that there is a chance of me punching their face out. Seriously fucking hurting them. Oh my god, it's "so easy" for some and hell for others. Can a mother really judge another?

Every life is different. I wish I knew the meaning behind mine. Because truth be told, I feel like my purpose came and went several years ago....

Every now and then I get to help someone famous at my work. Guess who I got to help today?



Yeah man, Crosby and Nash. I didnt see Stills though. Anyway, it was cool. They were nice guys. Nash called me "love". It made me feel special. Ha.

I got a new bike this weekend. Its so pretty. I love it!

This is our lovely little garden. We have had struggles right from the start. We planted seeds and of the seeds the peas were the only thing to grow. So we went and bought plants. Our soil isnt that great. And the garden is on a slight hill. So when we water all the topsoil drains on to the patio. We have pests, birds and stray cats. It's been hard. BUT we finally have a couple of things growing. We have tomatoes and a couple of peppers. We are so excited to see these little baby plants grow.

We also have a friendly little black widow. She has really helped us with the pests. The first time I saw her I was totally creeped out. But Eric and I looked up pests and such online. And we learned that black widows are good for the garden. So now she has a safe little home where no one will kill her out of fear. Oh and we bought some praying manti to help with pests as well. We've seen a huge dragonfly in our garden. Its kinda cool.

Anyway, our garden is slowly coming alive. And amazingly it is still alive. We work pretty hard on trying to keep it growing healthy and strong. Its not always easy but its so much fun and so worth it.

Oh, and this picture has nothing to do with anything. Its just for those of you that havent seen me in a while. I'm still a dork.

Happy Father's Day Lee


Happy Father's Day Malen


Happy Father's Day Russell


Happy Father's Day Geno


Happy Father's Day Tyler






And Happy Father's Day to those that I missed. :)

Yesterday I went to Lagoon with Eric. I had never been before. Honestly, I am not a fan of scary, fast, high rides. But I went to give it a try.

I have only been on a roller coaster once. When I was about 12/13 Lee's sister Karalynn took me to the Santa Cruz boardwalk. She knew that I didnt want to ride the roller coaster. So she said that we would go on the ride next to it. As we walked up the ramp I noticed that we were getting higher and higher. By the time that we reached the top I knew that I had been TRICKED! I didnt want to go but I didnt want to be a wimp and run away. So I did it and it was terrible and fun. But I never went on another roller coaster or scary ride again... until yesterday.

Yesterday we walked into the park and straight to the little white roller coaster. Eric said it wasnt that bad. So I just decided that I would go for it. Honestly, I cried and I screamed very, very loud. I pretty much had my eyes closed as tight as they could be for the whole thing. And afterwards I was shaking. I dont know what the appeal is of having your guts come out of your mouth. Even though I was a wreck after the coaster I was very proud of myself.

I chickened out of a couple of rides. But I did go on about 5. Pretty much all the water ones. I was walking around like a soaked cat. I screamed on pretty much all of them. Overall it was fun. I promised Eric and myself that the next time that I go I'll try another scary ride.

I wish I had pictures but I dont. Maybe next time though.

Just a few little notes

Here is a short little list of some of my favorite things lately:

Artichokes! I eat them all the time. I am actually cooking one right now in the pressure cooker. I like them with extra virgin olive oil and various seasonings.

OH MY GOD! I just took the artichokes from off the stove and I found a ladybug inside. I killed it. I feel awful. I love ladybugs. And yet I accidentally murdered the poor little guy. I felt so bad that I started to cry and had to run into the bathroom to tell Eric while he was showering. I still feel terrible.

The rest of this post will have to wait until later. :(

R.I.P. Artichoke Ladybug

I've been feeling so tired lately. Tired and stressed. I just want quiet.

I go to work and hate pretty much every minute of it. I get nagged all day about where the bathrooms are. I have to clean up after people's messes. You would THINK that grown "adults" would know how to clean up after themselves or at least know how to respect property. I have to deal with people shoving fliers and porno discs into our books. I have to wonder if a magazine that I pick up has been inside the men's restroom. I get to hear work gossip that I often times dont want to hear because then I feel stuck in the middle. Yet, sometimes I get a nice customer that really just wants a book. And that is great. But the rest is hard.

I come home from work and someone is always playing on the wii or watching tv or hanging out. And then Eric wants to talk about my day and figure out what we are going to cook for dinner. If Lily hasnt been fed yet she'll meow until Eric of I feed her. There is always some noise or someone talking. Its hard to find quiet in this house anymore.

Its no ones fault, its just life.

I need a vacation or something.

The loves of my life

Seeing them growing up in their own little shoes makes me the happiest person in the whole world. And not a day goes by that I dont recognize that Tyler and I did the right thing placing them with Malen and Wendy. I've been asked before if I had any regrets about placing them for adoption and honest to God, placing them was the best, most important and wonderful decision that I have ever made. I could never, ever regret giving them the chance at the life that they so deserve. You know its so strange that I can talk about Tyler so freely but when it comes to Sky and Solee my natural instinct to protect them kicks in. Anyway, I love them and their happy lives.

I come from a long line of people (mostly women) who never do anything good or proactive for themselves or their lives. Its hard to break out of that mold. Its hard to step out of line and run away as far and as fast as you can. Its hard to run away even if you are running to what you so desperately want.

I am struggling and at times I think I am failing myself. And if I am failing myself I only have myself to blame. I see the nothing that so many around me do and I hate it. Yet there are days when I look in the mirror and notice that I am barely moving at all. I AM trying though.

Its like an internal war that seems to have no end. Every odd day there's a new battle. Today I'd love to scream and cry and lay in bed. I'd love to step back into the line that I was born into. Thank God there are people that wont let me fall back in. Thank God I wont let myself fall back in, no matter how tempting the thought is.

I cant go back. Not today. Not ever again. So I am going to get dressed. I am going to walk to where I know that I need to be. After that I will let the feeling of knowing that I didnt back down wash over me. And I'll have a little bit more of myself back from the edge.

About art stuff

I'm an odd one. I paint and never show my paintings. I take pictures and never develop them. People often ask me to show them my stuff but I blow it off. I hardly have any of my art online. It just feels so weird to put all out there. That being said, I posted my favorite photo and painting any way.

I keep dreaming of selling my art and my photography. Its always on my mind. I didnt sell a painting last year. And while I took tons of pictures I never developed a roll. It makes me feel so sad. Its almost as though I have been denying myself the food and water I so desperately need to live. This year I will make up for that somehow.

Maybe I'll try and get a booth at the arts festival. Steve and his wife are always urging me to paint more so that they can buy more. Maybe I'll take them up on that. I've got my list of people that I can send my photos to, I just need to get them developed.