Summer time update

I love having a garden. It makes me happy.

For love of the garden

I love having a garden. It has gotten so big. Its actually about five times bigger than that last picture. It's so weird. Eric and I will both stand outside and just look at it. We are already planning our set up for next year. This was our first try and it's current setup is kind of off. Its a learning process though. And I think that we have done pretty good so far. Next year our garden will be better.

PS make sure to click on the top picture of the dragonfly. It is so pretty. You can really see it's detail in the larger format.

Why is it that anyone with a fancy camera is suddenly considered a "really good photographer"? I hate to sound like a brat but I know SOOOOOooooo, many people that walk around calling themselves photographers because of the huge piece of equipment they have dangling from their neck. When in reality anyone can take the pictures they take and most people do!

True talent is so hard to find. And when you see something beautiful and extraordinary you feel it down to your bones. I also know photographers like this. And they amaze and impress me to no end. As a matter of fact I envy them.

Anyway, just something that has been on my mind lately. Oh, and just as a side note I am too much of a coward to really do anything about any talent that I might have. So who am I to complain anyway?

You Are Mulan!

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?


Honestly, I took the quiz a couple of times because in almost every question there were always two answers that I wanted to choose. So I guess I'm a little bit of both.


You Are Pocahantas!

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

I'm just exhausted.

I'm a crybaby. I get it from my mom. And truth be told I love her for it! When I saw this first video a while ago I cried. I cry every time that I see it. I think that it's beautiful. It reminds me that I have an amazing mother and Lee that would have done the same thing for me time and time again. They have done the same thing time and time again.







PS I searched and searched for the videos on the web. And when I found them I showed them to Eric and he cried too. This is one reason why I love him.

Last night was fun. Eric and I went for a late night bike ride. We lit some fireworks. We camped out on our back porch. We drank a little too much. We attempted to watch a movie outside but I passed out before it finished. Anyway, it was so much fun. We are going to do it again tonight.

I feel better today.

There is a slight chance that I may in fact have a nervous, emotional, breakdown very, very soon.

I am NOT a product of my environment. No, no, no! I came from a shitty place on one side and a good place on the other. But I am neither good nor bad. I am me. I get to choose my own decisions and follow through... or not.

However, I know that some of us in this family choose to think that they are who they are because of where they/we came from. They are idiots for thinking so. Life can affect us in many ways but ultimately it is US who gets to decide if what has happened will mold who we are or just be a bump in the road.

I love my family very much. I love my siblings like there is no tomorrow. But sometimes I would love to smack the shit out of, no, smack some sense into them. Yes, we love who love. We love how we love. But having a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife is not all there is to life. And living your life around someone else is foolish because in the end.... well if you live your life for someone else no one will live your life for YOU. The life that is meant to be yours will pass you by.

Anyway, I am very upset right now. Trust me that is an understatement. And now I am choosing to get drunk and trying to forget all this shit for just a little while.

PS we havent seen the black widow spider since I posted that picture of it. Tragic.

Because I work in a bookstore people often ask me what my favorite book is. Honestly, at this point I dont have one. But here is what I have discovered about myself since working at Barnes and Noble, I really enjoy reading biographies, kids books and books that have been turned into movies. Of course I do read other books but most of the time it feels more like a chore than a leisurely activity.

I'm currently reading the Harry Potter series. I'm on book 4 now. I like it. It wasnt until the 7th and final book came out that I really became interested in reading it. I worked the midnight release party and saw how excited EVERYONE was. There were people that were crying. It was amazing. I had obviously seen the movies and had resolved that I would eventually read the books. But after the release of the 7th book my desire to read the book became very strong.

So I read the 1st and the 2nd. Then I stopped. To me they were pretty much like the movies. So I sorta lost interest for a while. But then out of the blue I bought the 3rd book and started reading again. Yeah man, that was the one that got me hooked again. I read whenever I had free time. Now I'm on the 4th book. I'm about a quarter of the way through it and I cant stop reading it.

Anyway, I do like books. Just not the typical fiction, romance, mystery, scifi stuff. At least not now. Kids books keep me young. Biographies remind me that everyone really does have their own story to tell. And books that have been turned into movies are fun to compare and contrast.

The SLC arts Festival.... I am feeling quite depressed.... I just want to get drunk and forget the life that I've had... Honestly, I am so stressed out, scared, depressed and pissed that I almost dont know what to do with myself.

Whatever.

There are things...

I'm afraid to be a mother some day. I honestly dont know if I could be a mother, aside from a birthmother that is. I mean I dont have to RAISE my children to be good, honest, lovely people. Nope, I get to watch someone else attempt this challenge. So the guilt, hurt, frustration, etc. doesnt haven't have to fall on me. I'm a coward. I am not ready to be a mother at all! And I wont be for who knows how long.

I know that my mother did the best that she could. And when ANYONE disputes that there is a chance of me punching their face out. Seriously fucking hurting them. Oh my god, it's "so easy" for some and hell for others. Can a mother really judge another?

Every life is different. I wish I knew the meaning behind mine. Because truth be told, I feel like my purpose came and went several years ago....

Every now and then I get to help someone famous at my work. Guess who I got to help today?



Yeah man, Crosby and Nash. I didnt see Stills though. Anyway, it was cool. They were nice guys. Nash called me "love". It made me feel special. Ha.

I got a new bike this weekend. Its so pretty. I love it!

This is our lovely little garden. We have had struggles right from the start. We planted seeds and of the seeds the peas were the only thing to grow. So we went and bought plants. Our soil isnt that great. And the garden is on a slight hill. So when we water all the topsoil drains on to the patio. We have pests, birds and stray cats. It's been hard. BUT we finally have a couple of things growing. We have tomatoes and a couple of peppers. We are so excited to see these little baby plants grow.

We also have a friendly little black widow. She has really helped us with the pests. The first time I saw her I was totally creeped out. But Eric and I looked up pests and such online. And we learned that black widows are good for the garden. So now she has a safe little home where no one will kill her out of fear. Oh and we bought some praying manti to help with pests as well. We've seen a huge dragonfly in our garden. Its kinda cool.

Anyway, our garden is slowly coming alive. And amazingly it is still alive. We work pretty hard on trying to keep it growing healthy and strong. Its not always easy but its so much fun and so worth it.

Oh, and this picture has nothing to do with anything. Its just for those of you that havent seen me in a while. I'm still a dork.

Happy Father's Day Lee


Happy Father's Day Malen


Happy Father's Day Russell


Happy Father's Day Geno


Happy Father's Day Tyler






And Happy Father's Day to those that I missed. :)

Yesterday I went to Lagoon with Eric. I had never been before. Honestly, I am not a fan of scary, fast, high rides. But I went to give it a try.

I have only been on a roller coaster once. When I was about 12/13 Lee's sister Karalynn took me to the Santa Cruz boardwalk. She knew that I didnt want to ride the roller coaster. So she said that we would go on the ride next to it. As we walked up the ramp I noticed that we were getting higher and higher. By the time that we reached the top I knew that I had been TRICKED! I didnt want to go but I didnt want to be a wimp and run away. So I did it and it was terrible and fun. But I never went on another roller coaster or scary ride again... until yesterday.

Yesterday we walked into the park and straight to the little white roller coaster. Eric said it wasnt that bad. So I just decided that I would go for it. Honestly, I cried and I screamed very, very loud. I pretty much had my eyes closed as tight as they could be for the whole thing. And afterwards I was shaking. I dont know what the appeal is of having your guts come out of your mouth. Even though I was a wreck after the coaster I was very proud of myself.

I chickened out of a couple of rides. But I did go on about 5. Pretty much all the water ones. I was walking around like a soaked cat. I screamed on pretty much all of them. Overall it was fun. I promised Eric and myself that the next time that I go I'll try another scary ride.

I wish I had pictures but I dont. Maybe next time though.

Just a few little notes

Here is a short little list of some of my favorite things lately:

Artichokes! I eat them all the time. I am actually cooking one right now in the pressure cooker. I like them with extra virgin olive oil and various seasonings.

OH MY GOD! I just took the artichokes from off the stove and I found a ladybug inside. I killed it. I feel awful. I love ladybugs. And yet I accidentally murdered the poor little guy. I felt so bad that I started to cry and had to run into the bathroom to tell Eric while he was showering. I still feel terrible.

The rest of this post will have to wait until later. :(

R.I.P. Artichoke Ladybug

I've been feeling so tired lately. Tired and stressed. I just want quiet.

I go to work and hate pretty much every minute of it. I get nagged all day about where the bathrooms are. I have to clean up after people's messes. You would THINK that grown "adults" would know how to clean up after themselves or at least know how to respect property. I have to deal with people shoving fliers and porno discs into our books. I have to wonder if a magazine that I pick up has been inside the men's restroom. I get to hear work gossip that I often times dont want to hear because then I feel stuck in the middle. Yet, sometimes I get a nice customer that really just wants a book. And that is great. But the rest is hard.

I come home from work and someone is always playing on the wii or watching tv or hanging out. And then Eric wants to talk about my day and figure out what we are going to cook for dinner. If Lily hasnt been fed yet she'll meow until Eric of I feed her. There is always some noise or someone talking. Its hard to find quiet in this house anymore.

Its no ones fault, its just life.

I need a vacation or something.

The loves of my life

Seeing them growing up in their own little shoes makes me the happiest person in the whole world. And not a day goes by that I dont recognize that Tyler and I did the right thing placing them with Malen and Wendy. I've been asked before if I had any regrets about placing them for adoption and honest to God, placing them was the best, most important and wonderful decision that I have ever made. I could never, ever regret giving them the chance at the life that they so deserve. You know its so strange that I can talk about Tyler so freely but when it comes to Sky and Solee my natural instinct to protect them kicks in. Anyway, I love them and their happy lives.

I come from a long line of people (mostly women) who never do anything good or proactive for themselves or their lives. Its hard to break out of that mold. Its hard to step out of line and run away as far and as fast as you can. Its hard to run away even if you are running to what you so desperately want.

I am struggling and at times I think I am failing myself. And if I am failing myself I only have myself to blame. I see the nothing that so many around me do and I hate it. Yet there are days when I look in the mirror and notice that I am barely moving at all. I AM trying though.

Its like an internal war that seems to have no end. Every odd day there's a new battle. Today I'd love to scream and cry and lay in bed. I'd love to step back into the line that I was born into. Thank God there are people that wont let me fall back in. Thank God I wont let myself fall back in, no matter how tempting the thought is.

I cant go back. Not today. Not ever again. So I am going to get dressed. I am going to walk to where I know that I need to be. After that I will let the feeling of knowing that I didnt back down wash over me. And I'll have a little bit more of myself back from the edge.

About art stuff

I'm an odd one. I paint and never show my paintings. I take pictures and never develop them. People often ask me to show them my stuff but I blow it off. I hardly have any of my art online. It just feels so weird to put all out there. That being said, I posted my favorite photo and painting any way.

I keep dreaming of selling my art and my photography. Its always on my mind. I didnt sell a painting last year. And while I took tons of pictures I never developed a roll. It makes me feel so sad. Its almost as though I have been denying myself the food and water I so desperately need to live. This year I will make up for that somehow.

Maybe I'll try and get a booth at the arts festival. Steve and his wife are always urging me to paint more so that they can buy more. Maybe I'll take them up on that. I've got my list of people that I can send my photos to, I just need to get them developed.

Where has the creativity gone? Reality television. Books as movies. Movies as books. The same 5 songs on the radio. Every boy and girl looking like every other boy and girl.

Its tragic.

I have a hangover. I dont want to go to work.

I want to scream.

We needed helmets in our old house. The ceiling was too low. Everything was loud. It was like living in a funhouse mirror. Somethings were big, some things were small.

I'm not jealous for the reasons he thinks. God, all today at work I had to hear my and Tyler's wedding song and pretend that everything was fine. 8 fucking hours!!!! Every 20 minutes or so there it was a slap in the face! I wanted to run away so fast.



He has it so easy. Him and his exes/friends/exes/whatever... he's friends with them all. It's not fair. Ryan wont talk to me unless him and his girlfriend are having problems. And Tyler is dead. I know that he says things like, "They are/were idiots...." but I loved them deeply. And I know he's trying to make me feel better but it doesn't. Either I am an idiot that devoted my whole self to idiots, and that brings up thoughts that I could be now. (I know I'm not) Or... Or I'm so forgettable. Or I have given so much of myself to people that were never worth my time.


...But then again, as usual, he could be right. Maybe they are/were idiots. Yeah, like all his exes are/were perfect. Whatever. I'm sick of caring. Why can't it all just go away???!!!!

It takes someone you really love to really hurt you. They know your insides. They know all the right buttons to push. And the next day they can wake up next to you smiling as though feelings were never hurt. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh god! That's all I can say about things I shouldn't talk about.

Rough Hands

I like Alexisisonfire... a lot.

Tuesday is my and Eric's one year anniversary. Cute.

Ho un segreto.

Is it true that all men have a "porn problem"? And if it's true are we as women suppose to just accept it as a fault? Obviously there are women that don't care. But I care. I always have and I am pretty sure that I always will. It makes me feel less of a woman. It's like what Carrie once said in Sex and the City of a man that had no idea what he was doing, "Its like masturbation with a women instead of your hand." That just so happens to be my exact feelings in relation to real life sex and porn. I mean come on now. My ex had a pretty bad porn problem. And that wasn't fun. But then again I think it opened my eyes to the world of men.

I don't know.

Anyway, on to something else that I have been curious about. When someone never really says hi, you get use to them never saying it, right? So what if one day they start saying hi every time they see you? Is it natural to wonder what their motives might be? Or have I become totally cynical and bitchy?

Yesterday was a very fun day. Alan, Chris, Eric and I went to the lake. I love Eric soooo much! Today my shoulders are burnt and I have 15 mosquito bites. But hey, it was worth it. We had so much fun.

Loving someone unconditionally is not always an easy task. There are some people in life that unconditional love comes without struggle, such as a parent or child or pet even. But there are some people that you tell yourself that you will love no matter what... unless this or this or that. But in all you want to love that person no matter what. Actually following through with loving them no matter what is the hardest part of it all.

I'm feeling depressed. I know something that I wish I didn't know. I wish I could go on blissfully oblivious. But I can't. Yet I can't bring myself to say anything either. So I pretend like I don't know. And when all is smiles and laughter I go along with it. But I know. Back in the corner of my mind and in my heart I know. I'm tired.

It's almost a year since Eric and I started dating. Cute, huh.

I love him very much. I feel that I could really be with him... forever. But I wont push. I wont say a word. I don't want him to feel pressured to feel the same way or to rush into anything. I just love him with every fiber of my being. I hope he loves me the same.

Nobody reads this stupid thing anyway. So....

Sometimes I wonder how someone can lie straight to your face. Are they doing it to protect themselves or to protect you? Or is that even relevant? Maybe they don't know they're lying? Heh. Some days I wish that I was naive. But I'm not. And I can't bring myself to let on that I know there is a lie behind someone else's eyes. And so I'm a liar too.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, if anything at all. Just sorting through thoughts rolling around in my head. I suppose.

Wow. I picked a really dumb article to write my first real paper on. How do Eating Disorders and Alcohol Use Disorder Influence Each Other? Yeah, man, LAME! I have to bullshit my way through this one. The article is shit and my rough draft is due tomorrow. But I haven't got anything done for it.

Anyway, It's a billion and one degrees in our house. Eric and I had such a hard time sleeping. I think we've all pretty much had it with this place. There is so much that all of us have to compromise on. The downtown location is great. But everything else sucks. Time to move on. Our lease is up in September. Eric and I are looking for a place for ourselves. I'm so excited. I can't wait until it's just us. It will be so nice. I love that man so much. I can't imagine my life without him.

You know it's so strange how life turns out. For so long I tried to be someone that I wasn't. For Tyler, for my family, for Ryan, for my friends and everyone else in the world. It felt safe not to just be myself because for as long as I can remember I never thought that I was good enough. But know I know just how full of shit I was. Eric has helped me to step outside of myself. He doesn't care that I am not perfect. He just wants me to be happy and he wants me to be the best person that I can be no matter what that means or who that is. And I have to admit I feel so much more free than I ever have before.

Tyler is gone. Countless friends have gone on in life, some in death. Ryan left without really saying goodbye or even looking back. My siblings are scattered. There are times when I feel that I am left behind, left alone. But there is a place inside of me that refuses to believe that I am alone. There is a hope inside of me that has been born. And I can say that with all certainty that I am not alone and more importantly that I am enough.

Eric and I have started running together and I LOOOOOVVVEEEEE it! It's one thing I look forward to. I feel so much better about myself. I feel not as grumpy. I don't know. It's just amazing. And maybe it's not just the running either. Maybe it's something more.



I was just thinking about how happy I am with my life. I have a job that I love. Sure, there are times when I hate it but who doesn't hate their job every now and then? I am finally going to school. I have an awesome boyfriend. I have a perfect best friend in my bike. Things are great and I couldn't be happier.

I wake up so happy. Happy to be with Eric. He's amazing. Living together has been so much fun. He really is my best friend. I'm so glad we met.

Work is good... for the most part. I do enjoy working with books and people that love books. My coworkers are nice. But I'm getting older and the thought of being in retail another year just kills me. Such a waste for me. I decided today that I am going to do whatever it takes to get out of retail and into something that makes me happy. Something like art and photography. Or maybe writing a book or something. Who knows. I just need out of retail and into something that I'm more passionate about.

Remember me?

Remember me? How sad I was, how sad I've been. All these years.. so, so, sad. Now two years since HIS death and I am still affected. But I have accepted the excruciating pain of his loss as an everyday part of my life, every day part of me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it is all I have not to scream. And other days it's easy for me to forget what his smile use to mean to me.
I met someone and we bonded. We connected. I felt safe and very happy. He brought me back to life. He brought me back to love. He made me remember my smile. We dated for a year. He was my best friend. He sometimes still is. We ended our relationship because it's what we had to do. No love loss there. It just wasn't mean to be.
Now I've met someone who I feel no shame, no fear, no sadness with. I feel more myself than ever. It's still hard for me to admit such a thing. After so long in loss, so long in pain, the idea of feeling my heat beat again is a death and rebirth in it's own right. The moment I set eyes on him I knew, I just knew, that I would love him like I swore I'd never love anyone again. And what I feel now is nothing close to what I ever felt for HIM. It's new. It's breathtaking and soul shaking. It feels like home.
And though I have learned to love yet again I still find it hard to forgive myself for pulling the plug. For all the hurt I caused and he caused in return. We had a life planned out and somewhere along the way the plan turned to ashes. I find it hard to believe still that I visit him in a cemetery. I might have moved on and learned to live like this. But I'll never be okay with him being gone. Never, never, never.

I am very much so happy with Eric. I love waking up next to him. I love falling asleep in his arms. I love sitting together doing crossword puzzles or cooking dinner. I even enjoy cleaning the room and kitchen for him. I know it's silly but I truly love doing anything with and for him. He makes me so happy.

Even though things are wonderful and I'm in love I am so stressed out. I have yet to get a job and to help out with any bills. I have yet to help save up for us to get out of this place. And it's wearing me down. I know it's wearing Eric down too. It's brought some added stress into our lives. God, I can't wait for things just be ok. For me to have a job and for Eric and I to have our own place with both our cats. Just to be living life and being happy and not stressing out so much about EVERYTHING. Sigh. This is the hard part.. getting to where we want to be.

I should be studying for my GED right now but I am too distracted. I should be working on getting my DL but I am too distracted. I should be apartment and job hunting but I'm tired. I feel like all I do while Eric is at work is look for apartments and jobs all day long. And as of yet nothing has worked out. Ugh. I would work at Blockbuster for now. Even if it was only $6.50 an hour but I have yet to hear back from them. I NEED A JOB! I think once I get a job things will start to get a little easier from there. I hate feeling like a bum. It makes me depressed. It makes me hate to look at myself in the mirror or to talk to anyone.

Anyway, will things ever fully work out for me? Or do I have to pick and choose between health, love, school, work, a nice apartment, etc. etc? It's always one good thing, the rest if shit.

I'm so happy. Eric and I are moving in together. We're currently looking for an apartment. I'm excited. I love him. I love being with him. I love everything about him. I feel such a freedom in this relationship that I have never known before. In past relationships I guess I felt obligated to be a specific person. But with Eric I can be myself. And that is the best part of all.

I wish the ex was happy. I wish we could be friends. But for now it just isn't so....

Oh God. I guess I'm linked. That means no more of that sappy, whiney shit anymore. Oh well. It's not good me anyway.

I'm sitting here in a tank and underwear. It's my new favorite thing to do. Just lounge around like this. Who needs clothes anyway?

I want my cake. I want to eat it too. They say I can only have one. I want them both.

I get paid tomorrow/today. This means DP! Finally! I've made up my mind to just go for it. I know it's not good for me. But what the hell isn't in this world anymore?! I need it.

I only wanted love. I thought I was free. But when the time arrived. I held the gun oh so very tightly. I shut my eyes and pulled the trigger. Now it's gone, gone, gone.

My cowards way is the only truth I know. I'm running, running from you. I'm running, running to you. I tried to turn back time. I tried make you disappear. But in the end I wept with nothing but regret. I'm just a stupid girl. With stupid hopes of love. A great gaping wound I show to very few.

What a fool. Oh, what fool. To believe it was ever possible. I opened up and let him in just to forget you. But as soon as the movement began I instantly hurt for you. I'm never forgetting this. An impossible dream that wont ever come close.

My mom asked me if I could clean up the dishes I used last night before I go to work in like 5 minutes. I asked her why and she said that so she didn't have to sit and look at them all day. Because she didn't want to worry about them. My first thoughts were "I'm sorry that you sit and look at dirty dishes all day and worry about them." It's only a pot, plate, fork and knife. But the last thing I want to do before I go to work is do the dishes, even those few. I'll do them when I get home from work. Am I bitch for this? I don't think so. I'm sure she'd be pissed if someone asked her to do the same before she had to work all day. Shiiiiiit.

I'm such a fucking whiner.

Surprise, surprise. I'm drunk again.

I'm such an IDIOT! Never let my gaurd down again. Never let a man disarm me again. Never, never, never.

It is highly possible that I am nervous about seeing Ryan today. Exactly one month ago Ryan said those words that oh so many people dread, "I think we should break up." It's been weird. I'm hoping that this little visit will clear things up with us. Because in all honesty I'm still pretty confused about things. A break, a break up, what? I don't get it.

We're going to see The Walkmen tomorrow night which also happens to be 6/6/06. I think it's pretty ridiculous that people are making such a big deal about it. But I guess if Satan does end up ruling the world I will feel pretty stupid about not taking it seriously. Heh.

I'm having a bit of an "episode" right now. For some reason I almost had a panic attack on my way down to my room after doing the dishes. I decided to take a shower before bed. While in the shower I just broke down and started crying. I hate it. Every second of every minute of these manic attacks I get. Tears are rolling down my cheeks right now. They wont stop.

I keep thinking of how big a waste my life has been. My mom always says that in therapy they always ask her if she could go back in time with all the knowledge she has now, if she could talk to herself when she was a child what would she say. I started thinking about that and it just made me feel worse. The only thing I could think to say to this little girl is, "There is nothing to look forward to."

Just look at that little girl. She probably thought things would get better for her not worse. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. I've always believed that it should have been me that died. I still feel that way. I don't know why I am still here. Every day is a struggle. A continual search for meaning. But there is no meaning. There is never a reason. It's all just bullshit. God, I wish I had the courage to just get it over with. I'm just afraid to find out what happens when you die.

Fuck. I'm trapped here. Trapped in my life, in my body. I just want to disappear.

I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. My alarm clock did not go off at all. Luckily the 15 minute work reminder on my phone woke me up. I enjoy going to work with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I mean come on, who doesn't love that? Some of my co-workers were way too hyped up for it being 6 in the morning. Maybe they have a bit of a meth problem. Probably not but wouldn't that be so fucked up if some of them did? I should take a short nap before I have to go back in at 10.

I love that when I can't sleep I can just call Ryan up and chat with him until I get sleepy. No matter what time we always seem to have something to talk about. I love that about us. But then again what is this "us" buisness anyway? I shouldn't think too much about it. Just let things happen as they may. I guess I worry about losing love again. I worry about one more thing in my life not working out. I worry too much about it all. And that's just the way that I am.

My bed is calling me.

I can't sleep. Season two of Nip/Tuck is on tv. Eh, might as well watch it. I set my alarm clock for 5:15 am. A 6 am work meeting on a sunday? RIDICULOUS! But that's the way that the HD does buisness.

You know he always averts his eyes away from mine. I'm like a ghost in front of him. It intrigues the hell out of me.

I don't know what's going on with our relationship. Is it a relationship? What have we become? This whole thing is hard. I love Ryan. And I know I want to be with him. And I know his reasons for a break are valid. But I just keep feeling as though if he really wanted to be with me he would. Issues or not. Maybe I'm asking too much though. I probably am. I should just let things happen.... I don't know how to do that.

A 75 year old man came into my work tonight. He was having trouble using the pinpad for the credit card. So I helped him along and made a comment about it being picky. The man looked down at me and said, "It's like a woman. You have to touch it in just the right places to get it goin." I threw up a little in my mouth after that. Gross man.

My friend's genuis response to this story:
Haha, did you look to see if that old guy had a wedding ring, he sounds like a thoughtful and astute lover!

I love my friends.

Memorial Day

Tyler,
I miss you so much. Every time I think of you Black by Pearl Jam comes on the radio. We both know why. I love you always.
-me

I'm compulsive on every level. It's not happy thing.

here we go again

Another blog. One, two, three, four. Each contain pieces of me. Some I hope no one I know discover.

I'm sitting here drinking beer from a can with Legends Of The Fall as background noise. I love and hate this movie. It reminds me of Tyler. I hate this beer. Why am I drinking so much these days? A mamosa with dinner, a couple of beers this evening. Drinks this week. Drinks last week. More alcohol than I let on. It scares me. I remember how I use to be. The alcoholic in me is waking up. The "B Girl" is going dormant... for now. At least until I get my hands on some new dp.

I want what I can't have. I fear I am more like my father than I'd like to admit. Shit, the world is in big time trouble if that is true.

This is better than drunk dialing. It's drunk blogging.

To be in love again. To feel. To know what it is to live. To walk away from past heartaches. To have the wind lift me up and carry me toward a new light.
I am beyond happy.

Wow. Things have finally turned around.Life is beautiful. I am so happy.